We love the internet. It never forgets. And it doesn’t feel pity. Or remorse.

Those PAL machines must really be piling up by now! Sony will have about 25 million ready for the European launch!

HA HA HA HA HA ETC
Next Generation – Report: First PS3s Made for Europe

We’re really dragging this out. You’re getting one a week, and you’d better be grateful. We expect emails of thanks. At least 50 a day, and half of them had better be from girls. Maybe we’ll do two over Christmas, as that means we can have a day off trying to think of something to do.

SONIC DESKTOP #2: SAFE LANDING FROM ROBO CHAOS ZONE!

Click on it for the full-size original. Enjoy the beauty of art that just doesn’t get made any more, and that hasn’t got soldiers in.

READER SUBMITTED ALTERATIONS:
A reader ‘hacked’ our last Sonic desktop image to create these nice cut-out versions with lots of blank space for lining up icons in. They’re quite nice, and we’re hoping he does the same with today’s update:

1920 x 1200 widescreen

1600 x 1200 non-widescreen

This is bound to come in handy next March:

“We’re still on schedule to launch PS3 in March throughout the PAL territories” – David Reeves, Sony Computer Entertainment Europe.

We will be checking the internet every day to see if this remains the case, Dave. And anything less than 50,000 units doesn’t count as a launch, either.

This will save Sony from its PSP hell! It’s called Pocket Pool, which is (a) a new PSP pool game and (b) a euphamism for wanking:

Pocket Pool has a “provocative adult theme” which means you unlock photos of women as you play. Here are some more photos of the women in it. These are relevant to our ‘remit’ because they are from a game.

The photos have been taken by “the web’s premier glamour photographer” who is a man called J. Stephen Hicks, apparently. Maybe the sequel will use Max Hardcore.

There’s also 13 pool games to not know the rules of, like 9 ball, 8 ball, Rotation, Black Jack and, oh, one we know the rules of called Snooker.

There’s also 20 video clips of these women to unlock and look at. That’s it, really. Here are a few more photos:

Isn’t that nice? It’s out in January, by which time PSP might have sold another couple of hundred units thanks to Sony’s incredible online marketing campaign that’s really winning over the gaming community right now.

Literally hundreds of them. Well, at least 15, which is still a lot when you consider the search terms (girls, playing, Wii, photos, of, naked, XXX). And they obviously don’t mind you looking as they’ve put the photos on the internet for looking at:

It’s amazing what you stumble across while searching for Thai ladyboy party piss porn.

They may not be fully aware of what they’re doing or what’s happening, but at least it looks like they’re having fun. Well done, Nintendo. Go and knock yourself out.

Basically… Sony paid marketing company Zipatoni to make a blog about how great PSP is, because PSP is such a piece of shit no one on the whole internet wants to make a fan site about it for free.

Obviously it’s all backfired and turned into a massive slagging match, as Sony’s marketing gurus block words like “viral” and “marketing” from the comments fields and delete posts 24/7.

HOW WE LAUGH AT COMMENTS LIKE THESE!
All quotes left on Sony’s latest fake marketing blog:

“As a gamer who is part of Sony’s target audience I’m insulted not just by the integrity of this website, but that this reflects how intelligent Sony’s marketing department thinks I am.”

“Second…Sony…PLEASE stop trying to be ‘hip’. Please START focusing on product and games and opening a REAL dialogue with your users to make your gaming products better.”

“This fake cool vibe is as pathetic as an old uncle dancing to hip hop at a family wedding.”

“Please, while you’re removing this comment and the 200 other negative comments above it (again), have the decency to do one honest thing in your life and inform sony of just how bad they screwed up by ordering this a_d. This is simply so insulting to anyone who truly loves games, the only reaction you will likely get is a decreased willingness to buy anything sony branded.”

“Just checking back again, I note that my post,saying the word advert(i)sing was banned, has been deleted.”

“Thank you for making me feel even better about not buying your products! And by the way, your incredibly horrible attempts at typing in a way you must assume most gamers type is pathetic. Way to go! You just insulted all the people who buy your products! Now back to Mario on my DS. :)”

“Let’s face it folks, PSPs are utterly worthless unless you hack the thing. Downgrade your firmware to 1.50 and install Devhook 0.5.1 and emulate Firmware 3.02 – swapping between the two rocks. And you have ISO support now.”

“Makes me ashamed of buying a product from such losers. if you guys wanted to sell psp’s then why don’t you get dame game on it, right now theres no great games on psp just a bunch of shovelware.”

“No one wants a psp, and Sony is going down in flames. I’ve awaited this day for many, many years now.”

“What The Hell! Not only is this fraud of a joke site a simple paid for advertisement for Sony, but it also is horrendously awful! You spent how much on this absolute tripe? Sony shareholders better wake up and start firing people left and right if they want to retain any value.”

“You want people to love your products and actually produce sites like this? Don’t pay someone make a site… Just make a product good enough for people to love. The community and love will follow.”

SEE THE DISASTER UNFOLD, LIVE!
And be sure to check out the awesome defence posts by site updaters ‘charlie’ and ‘cousinpete’ such as…

“we be just tryin to represent u guys… regular playas just tryin to get their gaem on, but now u gotta do all be dis then… u guys are noubs, pwnd!!” – ‘charlie’

…and…

“You all is haters tymes 4. Dis is lee-git. Don’t know why youse thinks this is a schill. Are site was registered through an external provider. We don’t work for sony. And for all you dissin’ my skillz I’m down for a one on one rap off or settling it street stylez if you feel me playa. Teh. I own a Nintendo DS and I love it. I would still like a PSP for shizzle. But the DS is just as solid.” – ‘cousinpete’

…over here at Sony’s latest attempt at lying to people on the internet.

EMERGENCY BACK-UP:
When all the posts get deleted and the site gets closed because it’s just too embarrassing to carry on having it on the internet, a recent back-up of the page will be located here. It’s simply too good to let fade away.

SEGA’s made another free internet game. This way is best, as you’re left much less broken and disappointed when it turns out to be rubbish.

But Asteroid Crash is actually quite good!

Asteroid Crash proves Commandment One of the video game world – anything that involves the collecting/gathering/sorting of bananas will always be good.

The game reinforces the message that bananas are a force of good by telling you you’re bad if you shoot a banana.

It also proves Commandment Two – You should always be able to explain how to play a game and what it’s about in one sentence, else it’s too contrived.

It’s by Michael Dobbins again. When he puts his mind to it he can deliver. Well done, Mike. We’re saddened that you haven’t responded to our interview request yet :(

Nice, but not really anything to do with Monkey Ball. 7/10.

PLAY IT HERE:
Super Money Ball: Banana Blitz. ASTEROID CRASH MINIGAME (capital letters SEGA’s own).

SOME OTHER VIDEO GAME COMMANDMENTS:

All the buttons should just be ‘jump’

Music shouldn’t have lyrics, but if it has to the lyrics should only be about how nice a place the game world is

Girl characters should be rubbish and slow

The plot should only be mentioned in the manual

The sky should be blu… oh. Have we done this before?

Someone only went and ‘came through’ with the goods. We now have, sitting here in a MAXIMUM SECURITY PASSWORD PROTECTED ZIPPED FILE on our PC (backed up on two independently located memory sticks in case of hard drive failure), the world’s greatest collection of hi-res, Mega Drive era Sonic The Hedgehog artwork.

This is day one of a desktop image campaign that will run for a decade:

SONIC DESKTOP #1: UNDERWATER CRISIS!

Click on it for the full-size original. It’s not quite big enough to fill a whole hi-res desktop, so you’ll have to do your own cropping and resizing. We suggest adding a subtle black border down the side, perhaps.

Episode 1: Ken and the Giant Bears

Next week: Ken and the 400,000 American units.

Because the 1993 Sonic The Hedgehog calendar features some AMAZING lost Sonic artwork. We are particularly fond of the one in which Sonic is rescuing Tails from the clutches of a giant crab.

The stories the pictures paint are many and thrilling:

1993 – when Sonic could sell products his name was on.

We recognise this one! It was on the box.

If you happen to have worked for SEGA in the early 90s and happen to have this artwork in a hi-res format on whatever kind of disc things were stored on in the early 90s, PLEASE GET IN TOUCH.

This one we recognise from somewhere.

Amazing! He’s like Tarzan and Superman rolled into one. And quite gay.

Moving. Genius. Storytelling at its finest.

Lots of inspiration for gay fan fiction there (we’re currently 50,000 words in and Richard Jacques has just got sucked through a portal into Sonic’s world…)