“That girl from Atari, the boy from THQ”…

Or, to put it more accurately, the freak with the beard, the smelly one, the psycho fat one, the weirdo who never says anything (no wait, that’s us! We’re not going), all the skinny balding ones with shaved heads and glasses, the stutterer, the one who’s handy for when you need coke, the ranting alcoholics, and, maybe, a woman, probably from the company organising it so it doesn’t look too one-sided.

It’s a video game industry singles night, and it will be the ALL-TIME WORST EVENING OF ALL TIME AND EVER. Even if you’re not there, the ripples this horrifying gathering will send through society will make it a dark day for ALL OF HUMANKIND.

And we’ll be scanning in the photos. Go here to read the FULL HORRIFYING DETAILS.

Forget the Xbox 360 launch, ignore PlayStation3, leave Nintendo DS the hell alone — it was all about feeling girls at E3 2005. And this is the most astonishing 2005 E3 “booth babe” feature of all, one posted by a bloke in a wheelchair who uses his pretend disability to GROPE WOMEN, take sick UPSKIRT PHOTOS and do the sort of things that normally get you escorted out of places.

Being disabled ROCKS, you get to grope women AND are always sitting down!

This reminds us of a really long-winded thing we wrote but never used about how it must be great to go through life with only one arm or leg. Because if you only have one arm or leg there’s no expectation to achieve anything or do anything with your life, so if, say, you manage to get a job at McDonalds while only having one leg, everyone thinks you’re some kind of *hero*. Easy life!

A FEW MORE E3 ‘BOOTH BABE’ FEATURES, THIS TIME NOT FEATURING DISABILITY SO YOU CAN ACTUALLY GET TURNED ON:

JEUX FRANCE
“Les booth babes de l’E3 2005”

THE TECH ZONE
“E3 booth babes”

GAME GAL (WARNING: SOME MEN)
“E3 2005 Hall of Shame”

1UP
“Booth babe Gallery”

IGN
“Babes of E3 2005: More Assorted Hotness”

IGN
“Babes of True Crime”

IGN
“Babes of Nyko”

Found any more? Email them in. And be thankful E3 isn’t held in Germany.

In the interests of impartiality, we present this new “screenshot” from Xbox 360 game Gears of War.

Looking suspiciously ten times better than anything else Microsoft has shown for its new machine so far, is MS “pulling a Sony” (this means LYING) in the wake of its E3 battering?

We hope this is Xbox 360-powered for reasons we can’t go into.

For the particular benefit of any UK journalists who went this year.

E4 SUMMARY — DISAPPOINTING

We stayed up all night to watch E4, and there wasn’t anything mentioned about video games at all :(

Joey and Chandler did play on a PS2 for a bit, but it was the old model. Glad we didn’t go all the way to America for this.

Here’s what we saw on E4:

9:00pm — The OC. Nothing mentioned about PS3 or Nintendo Revolution.

10:00 — Six Feet Under. Failed to reveal Xbox 360 specs.

11:00 — Friends. Nintendo Revolution controller not featured.

11:30 — Friends. No more PS3 games announced.

12:00 — Dawson’s Creek. Joey and Dawson reveal no next-gen console details.

E4 — rubbish.

From yesterday’s Evening Standard, which we fortuitously found on a train. It’s the old “Oooh, aren’t games getting more realistic?” case study, in which lots of old men who don’t play games pretend they’re REALLY OFFENDED by something which they don’t really even understand. Kudos to the ever-present ELSPA man for making it sound like piracy is the problem.

KEY PHRASE TO LOOK OUT FOR:
“The Microsoft console has graphics so powerful that explosions, blood and shootings look realistic”

Finding this was one of those great coincidences. We only get a “free” Evening Standard about once every 20 train journeys, so imagine our surprise on getting one AND it having a Sega story in it! Chance in a million! There was also a lovely photo of Kirstie Allsopp on the TV listings page. Email us if you also have a fetish for podgy women in big coats and scarves wearing bright green shoes. We could probably be friends.

Turns out Channel 4 cut her out of the 100 Greatest War films, AND her web site is flogging off all her stuff cheap. It’s like she’s died*. But she hasn’t!

AND THE REAL REASON WE DID THIS NEWS:

*If she was to die, we’d put our money on her falling off a balcony at a party while high on a cocktail of drink and drugs. The post mortem would reveal she recently had sex with three different men. Luckily, she’s STILL ALIVE! :)

Yes, it was definitely Gizmondo.

FREE ADVICE FOR GIZMONDO
Do more of this. It seems to work quite well, especially on the internet.

…because there was already enough geeky men standing around with digital cameras. Nice ironic photo of people taking photos, though.

Would the fact that we’re twice the age of these kids have made us cooler or sadder in the eyes of the booth babes?

Gizmondo!

It was the centre of attention, almost, thanks to the slutty Gizmondo booth babes. And so the Gizmondo cash continues to BURN AWAY, as the neglected handheld (far left) looks on, folornly, knowing its brief time here has already passed.

FREE ADVICE FOR GIZMONDO
At least make your bitches HOLD ONE at all times. We could’ve easily cropped the actual machine out of this photo.