It is also a big, stinking, cesspile of used condoms and nonsense. Here’s why.

7. THE WRITER IS NOT THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON
Look, we can write immensely long, self-indulgent pieces of piffle with lots of imaginary conversations in, but that’s not what people need. Music journalism is about saying if a record’s good or not. Film journalism is about saying whether a film’s worth no quid, six quid in a shit cinema, or twelve quid in a good one with a big screen and a further £17 on the DVD next year.

Games journalism is about saying if a game is worth £40 or not. It is not about referencing the works of Jean-Paul Satre when reviewing Need for Speed Underground 2. Doing that makes you look like you’re still working on the University newspaper.

If you want to show off how good you are at writing sensitive dialogue, do a book. If you want to bum your favourite blog writer, send him an email. He’s almost certainly as frustrated and lonely as you and will therefore embrace the opportunity for a decent (or even sub-standard) bumming.

6. NO ONE WANTS TO WATCH YOU WANKING OFF YOUR FRIENDS
And if they did, they’d want to get a video of it off Bittorrent, not follow a series of links referring you to congratulatory articles written by the the only three people that are in your special wanking club.

5. INTERNET PUBLISHING IS THE FUTURE
Yes, and you know why? Because if you submitted any of these wanky, self-important puff-pieces to a magazine they’d send you away and tell you to do it again properly, in 13,500 less words, and in a way people can understand what the point of it is without needing a personal knowledge of the writer’s hobbies, interests and political leanings.

4. So put it on your blog…

3. Get your university friends to all link to it from their blogs…

2. Have a wank while thinking about how many authors you’ve just referenced in that 15,000-word review of Kao the Kangaroo 2 no one’s ever going to get to the end of…

1. Then shut up and go away.

THE TEN BEST EXAMPLES OF OLD GAMES JOURNALISM

IGN.COM — This review of Project: Snowblind is a great example of Old Games Journalism because it shows you screenshots of the game and also tells you about what features it has and talks about if they’re any good or not.

GAMESPOT.COM — This classic piece of Old Games Journalism really succeeds in telling you what this game is worth out of ten.

GAMING-AGE.COM — This review, a seminal slice of Old Games Journalism, will help you decide whether to buy the game or not, thanks to the way it tells you about its features and comments upon if they’re good or not.

SPONG.COM — This Old Games Journalism news service tells you news about new games without wandering off into 15,000 word imaginary conversations with characters from the Warcraft universe.

EUROGAMER — Genius Old Games Journalist Kristan Reed really tells us a lot about Half-Life 2 without meandering off into details of his personal life or having imaginary 15,000-word conversations with characters from the game.

UK:RESISTANCE — Here’s a review someone wrote for UKR in 1996. It’s Old Games Journalism at its finest in that it says if the game’s good or rubbish for a bit before forming an overall conclusion.

WORLD OF STUART — This man obviously played the game a lot then wrote down the reasons why it was good.

TEAMXBOX — Team Xbox just uploaded a review of Brothers in Arms in which the reviewer talks about important things, such as if the game’s any good, what it looks like and if it’s worth playing or not. At no point does he pretend to be a soldier in World War II for 15,000 words. Classic Old Games Journalism.

KIKIZO — This fantastic example of Old games Journalism has it all — opinions, words and a score at the end so you can easily see what the writer means without having to wade through 15,000 words of pretentious drivel.

GAMESRADAR — Sega’s Project Rub reviewed in outstanding Old Games Journalism style; short, to the point, coherent, with a score at the end and conspicuously lacking in 15,000-word conversations.

Right-click to download FIFA Street commentary samples (2.3Mb MP3).

The last one is obviously a lie. He says “We’re keeping it real on the football pitch made of steel” but after the furore surrounding the use of artifical grass surfaces in the English game during 1980s, it’s extremely unlikely FIFA would ratify the use of steel pitches. Imbecilic nonsense. If you’re a kid and like this kind of thing, please email in and tell us why so we can reply saying you’re a wanker. We won’t become friends.

This makes us think really serious things, like why are we still working in the games industry instead of selling burgers to drunk people.