These images MOCK US. These disgraceful illustrations HEAP SHAME upon the internet. These SICK CARTOONS are EVIL. Those in the Western states who publish such images SHALL BE CLEANSED DURING THE NEXT HOLY WAR. All who look upon such images are INFIDELS who deserve to BURN IN THE FIRES OF ETERNAL DAMNATION.

The DEPICTIONS OF EVIL must NEVER be reproduced. Hosting such files is an INSULT TO ALL THAT IS GLORIOUS. And they are not funny.

Oh no, hang on, it’s sold out again.

No wait! They’ve got another one! Oh no, it’s gone again. This particularly inept piece of sign-writing is from Woolworths, which is where people go to work after even McDonalds and the London Underground has said no. We stole some pick and mix and a magazine then left in disgust.

He said that people who weren’t into his ‘breakbeat’ style might like to try his Starship Troopers medley from the PC game instead.

He also said some personal things just to us. And his mobile phone number was in his email signature, probably because he wants us to text him photos of our genitals (we’ll do it tomorrow, as we’ll have to shave our pubes off tonight to make it look bigger).

The Richard Jacques Starship Troopers Medley [8.7MB]

It’s posh orchestral music, so don’t download it if you don’t like orchestral music. It’s 8.7MB which is a lot to download if you’re only going to disinterestedly listen to the first 20 seconds and think to yourself “this is shit” and then skip to Franz Ferdinand or Akon.

NOTES FOR AMERICAN READERS:
Orchestral music is stuff like the theme to Star Wars. You know, with violins and trumpets and shit. There are no rap words in it, so don’t bother.

EVERYWHEEEEEEEEEEEERE!

Well, everywhere if you pass an import magazine stand on your way to work, anyway. We were actually going to buy one of them, run it under the tap and then scan it in – you know, so we could do a joke “Torn porn found under the hedge” style update. Then we ACTUALLY FOUND ONE TORN AND SOGGY UNDER A HEDGE. Is anyone out there a Bhudda-ist? We need to know how much karma we just used up finding Sega porn under a hedge. We’re scared that tomorrow morning we’re going to be run over by a runaway bus driven by the dwarf from Don’t Look Now or something.

We found this on the blog of a fellow called cori95. Normally when we nick things we either decide it’s too risky or flat-out chance it. This guy deserves a link though (despite the fact there’s practically no chance of him finding us out) because as well as this TERRIFYING SCIENTIFIC ANALYSIS of Rinko’s mons veneris (complete with a miniature Agent Smith eyeing it up in the background), he has pictures of Maria on his site. Congratulations, UK:R Special Friend Of The Week.

Good thing: They’ve stopped taking photos of her slightly from the side in order to pretend that she’s not cross-eyed. This (further) allows us to construct elaborate fantasies where we meet her at a public event and her (obviously) low self esteem from her spacky-eyed-ness ends up with us both in a 25 quid hotel room, where naturally she’ll want to try her best out of fear of rejection.

Bad thing: We really, really, really want people to stop telling us what her “Real” name and “Real” personal details are. HER NAME IS PRINCESS RINKO AND SHE COMES FROM THE SEGA JOY PLANET.

Another thing we want: To wake up to this every day. Look at her! Cute, adoring face… sunshine and happiness shining from every pore… but still a little bit spazzy-looking so you’d feel a little bit bad showing her to your mates. SHE’S LIKE SEGA MADE FLESH.

Scantily-clad, underage flesh.

You can buy Emily Booth’s probably-not-that-stained coat on Ebay. We’re holding out for those pants. And maybe the shoes. And maybe a personal home visit including a massage, genital touching and full intercourse to the successful bidder.

“The awesome full-length leather coat which Emily wore for the Matrix inspired ‘Gamer Girl’ photos (as featured on Bouff.tv) is now up for grabs on eBay! Emily has personally signed the coat inside the lining at the bottom and we’re also including a superb glossy 8″ x 10″ photo of Emily wearing the coat with the auction. This is the first in a series of regular official Bouff.tv auctions that we will be running this year so keep an eye on this eBay address to see what’s available.”

If we write this really really quickly and don’t do any captions or anything funny/clever we can probably upload these before anyone else in the world!

Did we win?

SEGA ANNOUNCES BRAND NEW SUPER MONKEY BALL STYLE OF ADVENTURE

Enter A New Monkey Ball Experience With All Your Favourite Characters In An Original Story Based Platform Adventure!

LONDON & SAN FRANCISCO (January 25th, 2006) – SEGA( Europe Ltd and SEGA( of America, Inc. today announced a giant leap for Monkeykind! Super Monkey Ball Adventure offers an all-new narrative driven and platform based style of gameplay, along with brand new Monkey Ball abilities and a bunch of fresh new characters. The next step in the Monkey Ball series hasn’t forgotten its traditional puzzle-based roots, adding 50 new and original puzzles to this new and exciting gaming experience. Super Monkey Ball Adventure gives a unique look into the crazy world of the Super Monkey Ball gang to entice Monkey fans new and old.

Super Monkey Ball Adventure hits the PSP(tm) portable entertainment system for the very first time, and on top of the new features, PSP fans have the exclusive opportunity to delve into the history behind the Monkey Ball series, as well as play the new trading card game. Also set for release in Summer 2006 is the Nintendo Gamecube and PlayStation 2 version. An added bonus is that both the PSP and PS2 editions offer players a game sharing option…so now you can play with your Super Monkey sized balls at home or continue on the go!

“Our Monkeys have so much to offer and it’s been wonderful developing this new game for them to cavort in”, commented Matt Woodley, Creative Director at SEGA Europe “Super Monkey Ball Adventure is a great mix of the Monkey Ball gameplay we all know and love, added to a huge adventure which I know will appeal to all ages. SEGA and Traveller’s Tales have taken our friends, added loads of new characters and made an entirely new type of game, and one, indeed, to be very proud of.”

Adventurers will discover that in Super Monkey Ball Adventure they can make their balls bigger, better and even more useful thanks to a whole host of new abilities, including sticking to walls, hovering and the ability to become invisible. Super Monkey Ball Adventure also contains fifty new puzzle trays and six new party games to challenge gamers of all ages. Players can select Aiai, Meemee, Gongon, or Baby to adventure their way through five different Monkey Ball Kingdoms to complete quests by solving puzzles.

A host of new friends join the team, including Princess Deedee of Monkitropolis and Prince Abeabe of Kongri-la, lovers who are being kept apart by a feud between their kingdoms. The couple elope to Jungle Island where they enlist the help of the Super Monkey Ball gang, to unite the feuding Monkey Kingdoms and defeat the Naysayers who have sucked all the joy from the Monkey Ball world.

Key Features:
* All-new platform adventure style of Super Monkey Ball game
* Five Monkey Ball kingdoms each with their own quests
* Fifty new and original puzzle trays
* New characters to meet and help
* Three brand new party games and three classic favourites
* New Monkey Ball abilities including – sticky, wood, hovering, boxing and invisible
* PSP exclusive features

Super Monkey Ball Adventure is set to release in Summer 2006 on PlayStation 2, Nintendo GameCube & PSP, for more information on this and other SEGA titles please go to www.sega-europe.com.

WE’VE GOT TO TRAVEL BACK TO 1995 IMMEDIATELY. This isn’t how it was meant to be. Something has gone BADLY WRONG with the time stream. This shouldn’t exist. SOMETHING HAS GONE WRONG. This shouldn’t be here in our WORLD LINE:

WE’RE ON THE WRONG TIMELINE! It’s not supposed to be like this. Oh god. We’ve got to fix it. We’ve got to do it all again. We’ve got to travel back to 1995 and TRY HARDER TO SAVE SEGA. WE’VE GOT TO GO BACK TO 1995 AND GET A SEGA SATURN. IT’S THE ONLY MACHINE THAT CAN PLAY SEGA RALLY PROPERLY IN THIS TIME FRAME. ALL THE SATURNS WERE DESTROYED BY PEOPLE WHO DIDN’T UNDERSTAND ITS POWER. WE HAVE TO GO BACK.

CAN ANYONE SUPPLY THE FOLLOWING:

1. Magnetic housing units for dual micro-singularities.
2. Electron injection manifold to alter mass and gravity of micro-singularities.
3. Cooling and x-ray venting system.
4. Gravity sensors (VGL system).
5. Main clocks (4 cesium units).
6. Main computer units (3).

It’s true. It’s really true at last. Gamers and internet geeks are actually getting SEX FROM WOMEN in Japan, and it’s all thanks to this guy.

Yes, it’s Train Man, the Japanese TV drama about a successful and attractive woman and a trainspotter falling in love via IM. Japanese ladies now see men who sit at home using the internet all day as sensitive, appreciative, romantic and challenging individuals rather than men who drink Spar vodka in the company toilets, download MP3s of women screaming and occasionally enjoy weeing on themselves in the shower.

This is not intended as an “Interesting news post” or an ironic “Ha ha! Only in Japan” style update. We are mentioning it because many people have booked holidays in Tokyo this year and it is of UTMOST IMPORTANCE THAT NONE OF THESE WOMEN SHOULD DISCOVER THE TRUTH. If we find out that just ONE of you dozy bastards has been letting the cat out of the bag, there will be consequences.

This is from some Xbox 360 party, and we can only assume they’re trying to spell out 3 – 6 – 0 and that Fergie has got it wrong and is doing a four.

The alternative — that they think they’re BEING REALLY COOL — is too horrid to contemplate.

Virtua Tennis 3 — powered by Sega’s Lindbergh board — will be on show this week at the ATEI show held in the heart of London’s fashionable ‘London’. We’ll probably go just because of this, and also because there might be an OutRun2 on freeplay and girls playing DDR.

As you can see, the game is about ‘tennis’. The rules of tennis are that you hit the ball over the net, trying to keep it between the lines. You score 15 points each time your opponent fails to keep it in, although sometimes you only score ten points — that’s because the scoring system was created by the French who were just being difficult.

The most important rule of tennis is to be a pretty blond girl. Then it doesn’t matter if you win, as you will win in life anyway.

Sega didn’t send out any screenshots of the blond girls, so all you get is loads of men’s arses :(

It’s the grass one set in London! Obviously it’ll be called the “London Open” or the “England Cup” or the “Jolly Tournament” rather than “Wimbledon”.

Looks really quite amazingly nice, really, doesn’t it? Even though it’ll just be “more Virtua Tennis”.

We even bother uploading the logo. That’s how much we love Sega. Come back next week and we might do a little review based on playing it at ATEI, if we go.

THE FULL AND QUITE POORLY WRITTEN PRESS RELEASE:
Sunday, 22 January 2006

Sega Brings Centre Court to Earls Court!!

Some of the most realistic graphics to come out of Sega’s world leading R&D teams will be on display at Earls Court this week. Taking a look at the latest version of Virtua Tennis 3 on the new Lindbergh universal cabinet and you will think you are at home in July watching Centre Court on your brand new widescreen plasma. All that is missing is the strawberries and cream!

The game boasts the top players in the world including Henman, Roddick, Hewitt and World No.1 Roger Federer. The format of the game takes players on a world tour of some of the most famous courts in the world across France, the US, Australia, Germany and of course the famous halloed turf from SW16.

To increase the player’s involvement this version features IC Smart card technology. With the card the player can participate in a virtual ‘World Ranking’, starting at 999th in the world with the aim of becoming World Champ. The progression up the ranks depends on how well matches are won and who against. Equally any matches lost will affect the ranking. Also as a feature to stimulate regular repeat play if a player does not use his card for a period of time his ranking will decrease.

It is also possible to manipulate the play style of the tennis player; whether you want to ‘play base’ line, ‘serve and volley’ or ‘offensive’ amongst a choice of 8 styles you can. With the IC Card the player can change outfits and build up a collection of tournament medals.

For the novice player the game features a series of training sessions. This will strengthen various techniques by setting the player a mission – such as performing 6 forehands followed by 6 backhands followed by a smash volley.
Sega’s Justin Burke commented, “Aside from all the great names, famous courts and games features perhaps the ‘wow’ factor is the amazing graphics that are recreated on the screen. This in a location is going to stand out by a long way. The first two games in this series have both been massive hits and there is every reason that this will be another smash!”