We’re told he “used to be gay” until he “saw the pink one and it made him straight”. Although that might all be lies his friends made up to embarrass him on the internet.

Amazingly, this was a proper TV show that went out on proper TV in the UK, not just a joke some disabled-looking fat people put together for YouTube. Poor old Sir Trevor McDonald used to present proper news, not just made-up rubbish for morons like this.

The only thing we’d trust that kid’s mum to be in charge of is selling us some chips and a burger at 3.30am, and maybe cleaning our house, but only if we were there to make sure she didn’t steal anything to fund the buying of whatever it is she’s injecting.

In this one, some fat weirdo says he used to wee in a bottle while playing Xbox 360 and PS2 and Gamecube so he didn’t have to stop playing. He had a chair with wheels on so he could switch between the three consoles! That’s a great idea! We must get one of these ‘chairs with wheels’.

In this one a woman says her kid went paranoid and mad because of a game and then killed himself. That’s madness. It’s OK to kill yourself over something important like postings on an internet forum, but not over something as trivial as a video game.

This was on TV two weeks ago, so we’re really pleased with the speed in which we’ve turned this update around.

It carries on for half an hour. The above is the whole first ten minutes. Oh, and it would appear we are becoming one of those web sites that’s just a huge list of links to YouTube videos.

This is the second ten minutes.

This is the final 2.35 minutes. YouTube won’t let you do more than ten minutes at a time. It might get taken down when ITV sees it on there, so don’t blame us if the link’s broken when you’re reading this in 2009. The joke’s on us though, as we’ll be in jail after being made an example of by the copyright police.

Hopefully out on Xbox 360 before the end of the year, though they’d better not go pulling any of that ‘microtransaction shit’ on us. And don’t let the Americans be in charge of all the music, either.

If you think we’re writing captions for 68 photos of girls with all the same smile you can go melon farm yourselves.

Six pictures in and the winner has already been revealed. You can go back to NewsNow or Kotaku, or wherever it was you clicked on this link.

We’d like to make a deposit in that lovely, soft bank.

If you click on these pictures you should be able to see a bigger version. We say should, as there’s no way we’re bothering to check that 68 links work.

Doesn’t that thing she’s doing with her fingers mean something rude? When we were at school it meant ‘put your tongue in me’. Mind you, that was in 1967 and times have changed a bit since.

This is the one we pondered over most. She’s weird looking, but extremely cute. Under proper lighting conditions she could either be amazingly hot or all lopsided and geeky.

Too westernised. 4/10.

Too much like a character from an American PC MMORPG. 3/10.

What a lovely smile! This photo must’ve been taken within the first five minutes of the show doors opening, before her delicate, butterfly-like soul was STOMPED INTO SHIT by 50,000 geeks trying to get a photo when she’s bending down.

This one turned out nice. Good sense of movement.

Getting one like that to consent is one of our ambitions.

Yes, there’s still lots more. This is the halfway point.

We really should learn how to do that thing other web sites do, where they have a link that says “Read more” that goes to a second page. It would add an air of professionalism that would surely see us ‘headhunted’ by Kotaku or Joystiq so we could do this sort of thing for money.

At the moment we do this for aggravation and legal threats.

Respect goes out to KOEI, for opting not to dress its booth girls in outfits influenced by fuedal Japan, and instead making them look like Asian prostitute robots from the near future.

More Asian prostitute robots from the near future. Roll on 2012!

Christmas, birthday, Christmas, birthday, Christmas, birthday, Christmas, birthday, Christmas, birthday, Christmas, birthday, Christmas, birthday.

This is a character from some Japanese game. It’s probably quite close to how she looks in the game.

Oh dear. This photo really needed to be not blurry. Still, you can get quite a good idea.

Even Japanese women can’t think of anyone else to cosplay as than Kasumi. The TGS organisers are banning Kasumis from 2007’s show.

We’d really like to get our hands on that – then fold it up neatly and put it in the cupboard with all our other rare SEGA t-shirts.

PROPER JOKE CAPTION: Rockstar’s Table Tennis has been redesigned a bit for the Japanese market!!

Sorry if you’re on a capped broadband service. You’ve just used up all of September and October’s allowance.

That’s it. That’s what happens to the “main page” when you put 68 photos on it. Hope you enjoyed it as much as we hated resizing everything and doing all the links.

The Tokyo Game Show has just happened. Lots of bad news was said at it. Like when Tecmo said Ninja Gaiden, which is the best game ever even including Sonic The Hedgehog, was going to be on PlayStation3.

Not only is Ninja Gaiden going to PS3, it’s also got playable Rachel in it. This is as disastrous as a plane full of anthrax crashing into your house three minutes before you were scheduled to lose your virginity to Cheryl Tweedy and evil clone Cheryl Tweedy.

Then we saw some more screenshots of Virtua Fighter 5. We thought about saying Wolf’s chest looks a bit lumpy on his right-hand side there, but we’d just be lying to ourselves. This looks amazing, and is therefore as disastrous as going on a long drive and realising you forgot all your CDs but it’s OK as your girlfriend remembered to bring her Snow Patrol B-sides collection.

Then we saw screenshots of Devil May Cry 4. We momentarily laughed because Devil May Cry isn’t as good as Ninja Gaiden and Tecmo said that Ninja Gaiden would NEVER… and so the dark sadness fell again.

Then there was Heavenly Sword. We thought about pointing out that the bloke’s hand is a bit square and his fingers are rubbish, and maybe saying Heavenly Sword has “set video game hands back 15 years” but that would seem like clutching at straws. And we’ve clutched at our straws so much they’re perfectly flat and the plastic has melted together from our angry body heat. They’re not even straws any more, they’re McDonalds tea stirrers now.

At least Gran Turismo “HD” looked awful still. So that was the Tokyo Game Show. A few PS3 games looked OK which is bad, but the plus side is that everyone’s still laughing at Sony for slashing the price of PS3 and changing the spec because it HASN’T GOT A CLUE what it’s doing despite having been doing this for a decade. So it’s kind of OK but not really OK. It’s OK. We’ll be OK. And remember, the press release that’s coming in November and March about PS3 being “the fastest-selling console in history” has already been written, and the reason it sold out is because they only made 12.

So old. So tired. Ready to sleep now.

This is the ‘BEFORE’ shot, from back when the entire internet didn’t make up 10,000 Photoshop jokes about PS3 every day (we’re very proud of you all).

And this is what it really looks like running on PS3. At least they got the Stamina gauge right, although they forgot what side they put it on when making the actual game.

What does it even MEAN? Were we really so innocent as a nation in 1996 that stuff like this seemed all edgy and cool and risque? Or was SEGA just loads shitter than we remember?

We’ll have her geo-located to within six centimetres by home time.