Archive for November, 2010:

SEGA FONT USED TO REPRESENT THINGS THAT ARE OLD AND OF LIMITED INTEREST TO MODERN CONSUMERS…

SHOCK. As far as we’re concerned, a “retro rollback” is having a wank while remembering that lovely woman from Buck Rogers. Then Deanna Troi loses her clothes in a teleportation accident and turns up and etc etc

retro-rollback

“Here’s an image for a slow news day months from now. WWEShop.com ran a retro sale, and it looks like someone on their graphics team is a SEGA fan. Hope everyone’s having an enjoyable 2011!” – Josh.

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GOOD LUCK, BIZARRE CREATIONS PEOPLE

It looks like Activision, peddler of plastic shite, endless war misery and assorted licensed rubbish, has decided to close Bizarre Creations – the UK developer it bought three years ago. This is pretty grim news, as Bizarre were ace on a technical and human level and were responsible for some amazing games. And The Club. And that one about the animals fighting.

retro evolved 2

The best game of this entire generation so far (our genuine, not ironic opinion) was Bizarre’s Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved 2, and WHERE WOULD WE BE TODAY without Metropolis Street Racer? Almost certainly dead, or at least in a wheelchair. Good luck, Bizarre people.

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MICROSOFT KINECT LAUNCH MAKES US EVEN MORE ASHAMED TO BE GAMERS


‘HIT BAND’ The Wanted were there!

No, me neither, but Wikipedia says they did a song once, and they probably do other songs that Radio 1 like to play.

Leona Lewis was paid to be there as well:


You remember Leona Lewis?

She’s synonymous with all things games!

She’s so committed to the cause, that she did the theme song for one of the Final Fantasy games, 13 years after the franchise became stale.

After Microsoft stopped trying to be Nintendo, they all went backstage and played together:


Leona didn’t stay very long. Afterwards, the one on the bottom right probably made a sexually-related comment, causing the cheeky one in the middle to guffaw.

Possible new hobbies to pursue now games have gone to shit:

Darts

That’s it!

That’s all we can come up with.

Look what 25+ years gaming have done to our imagination.

We’re all doomed come 2035

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THINGS SEGA ARE DOING THAT AREN’T SHENMUE 3!

Number 1: Making a road crossing for hedgehogs:

Sega have teamed up with the People’s trust for endangered species to spunk away a (probably) MASSIVE amount of money on making a crossing to help hedgehogs navigate the roads more safely.

Now, I like hedgehogs as much as the next man, unless the next man’s a gypsy, however, I can’t help but feel that Sega’s money could be better spent elsewhere.

The money they’re wasting on this would pay Shenmue’s Tom’s voice actor a year’s wage!

Other things this money would be better suited to:

Re-making Streets of Rage

Re-making Shinobi

Making more of a fucking effort with Sonic games


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“R3PLAY ARCADE, RETRO & VIDEO GAMING EVENT SEGA BOOTH REPORT”

Here’s a report on a gaming event. Yes really. And no, not by us. The photographs were taken on a mobile phone so it’s kind of hard to understand what’s really happening, but he put the effort in so ought to be rewarded.

In summary – he expected way too much from a fan-organised retro event.

OPENING PREAMBLE:

“When I heard SEGA would have an exhibit stand at R3PLAY Arcade, Retro & Videogaming event I could only think of one place to send a review of it. However they declined and gave me a link to your site instead. The event is held in Blackpool, sometimes referred to as the UK’s version of ‘Las Vegas’ (If Las Vegas was hit by an earthquake, then a missile strike and all the refugees had to wear tracksuits it’s a fair comparison).

“All pictures taken on my shitty old Samsung phone.”

r3play 1

“According to the floor plan this is the SEGA booth. Times must be tough when you can’t even afford a sign, so instead it’s a poster of Sonic 4 and a flipchart using at least 2 COLOURS to advertise its wares.”

r3play 2

“Such savvy marketing manages to attract five people, however three of them just wanted directions to the Nintendo exhibit.”

r3play 3

“Behold a poorly arranged row of LCD TVs displaying: Xbox Live Trial version of Crazy Taxi (all the pop-up of the DC version but none of the music, later changed to Afterburner), Virtua Fighter 5, two Sega All Star Racings, Mega Drive Version of Virtua Fighter 2 (WTF?!?!), Sonic Episode 1 Xbox Live Trial version. So no Vanquish, Virtual On Force, Sonic Colours, Sonic Free Riders. Just a bunch of old games. Thanks SEGA!”

r3play 4

“SEGA held a competition for you to win every game they release on Xbox, PS3 and PC in 2010! Just get the fastest speedrun on the 1st level of the trail version of Sonic 4. This guy really wants the Mega Drive collection Vol.2 on PC, look at him go! On a positive note there was a Cosmic Smash arcade cabinet on freeplay to remind me of SEGA’s glory days and Xbox 1 LAN multiplayer OutRun setup (None of this setup by SEGA)” – Warp Warp.

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PEOPLE QUEUING UP TO BUY THEIR ANNUAL INCREMENTAL UPDATE OF A MAJOR FRANCHISE

Not only are these youths not in bed by midnight, they’re also hanging about on the streets waiting to buy a video game.

black ops launch

They’re only young. They’ll soon learn the futility of it all. Waste the next decade or two then snap out of it, boys.

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WHICH ONE ARE YOU?

I’m the one covered in mud and poo because the pigs got out again and their house blew away in the wind last night (not pictured):

kinect advert

You’re all Mr Top-Right. Have fun. It certainly looks like fun.

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SONIC THE HEDGEHOG “LOUNGE PANT”

From Primark, would you believe [YES, IT IS A SEGA PRODUCT IN 2010, PRIMARK IS WHERE IT BELONGS]. Here’s the scene that greeted reader “Gareth” at 16:00 hours yesterday. Gareth’s given us a lot to work with, here. This is very brave of you, G-Man.

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Trousers on the bed – photographer may not be wearing trousers, or shoes.

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The neat and controlled desk space of a KILLER.

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Halo novelisation on shelf #3 :(

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VAIO :(

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Pumpkin keyrings. Opinion neutral.

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There’s nothing “essential” about Sonic The Hedgehog trousers, Primark. Branded merchandise is definitely a non-essential first-world luxury item, especially when there are still millions of children without access to clean drinking water across the planet. And AIDS and cancer. There’s still AIDS and cancer, Primark. Sort that lot out, then you can start selling your “essential” branded merchandise.

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“Apologies for the photo quality, but I never claimed to be professional. I came home from work yesterday to find that someone had left these placed neatly beside my laptop. The zooming effect replicates my point of view upon finding this little gem. I wore it with my Sonic boxers and t-shirt last night. Photos to come?” – Gareth.

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