We got sent this. Pay attention. It’s a grower and one of those things that’s so ace we can’t stop looking at it:

Tells a story. Has a punchline. Slags off Sony. All boxes ticked.

IN OTHER NEWS…
Cunts Corner has been allowed back on the internet again, and this time it has photographs. If we’re not on there by 3.30pm with some sort of accompanying explicit gay Photoshop illustration involving at least three penises we shall be very disappointed.

We have made another t-shirt. It’s black and about Sony being fucked. It’s a celebration in 100-percent cotton. We’ve only got 50 of them done, so once they’re gone, they’re gone. Buy them here.

If we sell just twelve of these t-shirts we’ll have made more profit out of PlayStation3 than Sony and all third-party PS3 software publishers.

To make room for this future unsold stock, we’ve made all our unwanted, wrong-colour stock of old shirts 12 quid each. There is only limited room in our t-shirt/bike/porn/hostage storage cupboard. Our apologies to the two people who bought one in the last month.

These new ones are 14 Mighty English Pounds each, and that includes postage, even if you live somewhere far away that costs three quid to send it to. You also get a free envelope customised with your address written on it, plus a label in the back of the neck of each shirt that conveniently tells you what size it is.

Here, we put two oranges inside the shirt to simulate what it might look like if a girl was wearing it. It wasn’t very arousing, and just made ‘things’ seem worse.

If you work for Sony Computer Entertainment or Chart Track you can have one for free. Just email in from your work address, asking nicely, and saying that UKR is the best site on the whole internet, even including Pornotube and Torrentspy, and that it “brightens up your day” with its “accurate reporting of sales figures and public opinion”.

This is pretty much just a vanity project so we have one to wear around the house. We’re not expecting anyone to actually buy one.

AN EXPLANATION OF THE DESIGN
“RIP” is in an approximation of the PlayStation3 font, which means PS3/Sony is dead. “2007-2007” is the year PS3 was born and subsequently died in Europe. You know, like a gravestone. “United in Resistance” is just a thing we put on as it sounded nice and sort of linked back to the site.

The only downside we can think of this design is people might think you’re viral-marketing Spider-Man 3, a film so bad it managed to travel back in time and rewrite history to make the first film rubbish as well.

You’d better get used to playing games by waving things about, basically, as that’s all there’s going to be in about 18 months time.

NDS: 285,192

WII: 101,320

PSP: 35,172

PS2: 14,815

PS3: 12,974

360: 3,205

And that’s for ‘Golden Week’, which is like a Japanese Christmas and Bank Holiday rolled into one, and a time people tend to buy games consoles for something to do while at home in their tiny little paper houses.

Once everyone’s finished wasting vast piles of money developing their current PS3 projects there’ll be 50 collections of mini games released for Wii every week. If you want a vision of the future, imagine a remote control being waved near a human face… for ever.

We can’t wait to see what Sony’s embarrassing climbdown will be. Emergency 50 percent price cut? Cheaper new PS3 version without Blu-ray drive? Free t-shirts? Something has to be done before September, or it’s exit hardware industry time.

Here’s some of the crap we’ve got in recently. If you sent it, by “crap” we mean “little works of genius we’re very grateful to receive”.

This is a flyer being circulated by someone called Alan who’s trying to sell a PS3 in a university. That’s his phone number. We’re not entirely sure about the legality of putting someone’s phone number on a web site read by lunatics, but are prepared to risk being implicated in Alan’s death for a minor laugh.

A sign saying “Wii ROX” made out of unsold PS3s. Hopefully this photo was arranged specifically for us, and hasn’t just been stolen off an internet forum.

Self explanatory.

What Ken Kutaragi did next. Again, hopefully this was made just for us and wasn’t stuck on Gaming-Age and featured on Kotaku three weeks ago. We’ve not been keeping up on gaming news recently, thanks to post-traumatic stress brought about by the WAR.

This image was definitley made for us. No one else would have it.

This is awesome and deserves its own update, rather than being hidden away down here. Sorry about that, person what done it.

This is probably a war reference we don’t get, as all we really know about WWII is that the Japanese did very bad things, which is why Granddad never drives Hondas or buys Sony products to this very day.

A PS3 “not sold out in the slightest” sign from Russia! Even out there no one cares for the evil capitalist machine. Interesting to note that in Russia PS3 costs 2-1.990p. Right. That’s your lot. We have cleaned up our desktop quite significantly.

See what SEGA thought the future would look like in 1993, thanks to a Japan-living-in reader called Rudie. He’s embarrassed us quite severely by putting in the sort of effort we haven’t put in since 1999.

“Here are more pictures of things that say SEGA. Near my place in southern Tokyo there are two arcades both called SEGA HI-TECH LAND.”

“This is the entrance to one. You can taste the future. And you know it will be great because it says SEGA!”

“There was one person on the arcade portion, which means it was more active than American arcades. Everyone else was by the UFO Catchers and Pachinko machines on the other side. The clerk didn’t mind when I got pictures of the empty VF5 machines.”

“This mat states that the 23rd of every month is SEGA day. That makes Japan automatically better than every other country on Earth.”

“The back entrance to the other arcade. I don’t know what else to say.”

“This is the front entrance.”

“Look at all those empty machines! That just means there’s no waiting to have fun at SEGA Hi-Tech Land.”

“The best part is at the arcade they have free wetnaps that remind you about SEGA day! See two SEGA Arcades within walking distance of each other. They are still open which means someone out there still cares about fun.”

This should be our new logo.

This one’s great. Probably a bit too obscure a reference if you’ve just come here from MySpace, though:

Also, our congratulations go out to the creator for not mentioning the Nuremberg Trials or dead farm animals and therefore producing something we can use without getting letters from solicitors about ceasing and then desisting.

And by ‘model’ we mean plastic thing. And by plastic thing we mean ‘toy’. And by porn we mean… ‘porn’ albeit in a strangely unsettling fashion.

We didn’t take these photos.

There is a story behind them, a story NOT involving us.

A man who works at a game shop got the toys, opened one, took some photos and sent them in. His initial email pointed out that he thought the toy looked like Emily Booth, which was the ‘angle’ he suggested we use.

We didn’t say it was a funny story.

Then he took some with the flash on.

We’re not sure if he did that as a joke or seriously to give us a better look.

It was a good idea though.

The end (of society).

Isn’t that a clever headline? You can use that if you want, for free, to illustrate the “Father of PlayStation retires” story you’re no doubt currently writing for your blog/site/forum/magazine/podcast/videoblog:

And here’s a picture we just made to illustrate the enemy leader’s unconditional surrender:

Sony’s plans for a ten-year reich – obliterated!

This is one someone else just made. Hopefully this won’t turn into some sort of celebratory Photoshop competition. That would be very sad indeed, were it to happen. Especially if this archive of wartime imagery and this archive of Sony executive staff photos were used to portray Sony as broken and defeated Nazis facing certain execution.

HOPEFULLY THIS WON’T TURN INTO SOME SORT OF CELEBRATORY PHOTOSHOP COMPETITION, BUT IN CASE IT DOES, HERE ARE SOME RAW MATERIALS:

A photo of Ken Kutaragi

A photo of Adolf Hilter

A photo of some unsold PS3s

A photo of the French PS3 launch event

Please don’t let this turn into some degrading internet Photoshop competition in which Sony is portrayed in an unfavourable light. It would be deeply unprofessional considering the sadness of this news.

She’s American, therefore she is not being ironic in this photograph. That expression is her ‘being sexy’ expression.

We’d rather take a course of gay drugs and put Master Chief’s balls in our mouths than spend a second in the company of any of these controller-kissing cliches.

This is an interview we did with Sumo Digital, the developer of the Xbox 360 and PSP versions of Virtua Tennis 3.

It’s not a particularly good interview, as we were trying too hard to be funny in our questions and they were trying too hard to be funny in their answers. As a result, it contains no useful information at all.

Still, it’s an interview with Sumo Digital about Virtua Tennis 3 and has lots of great screenshots we took, so as long as it gets at least 10 Diggs and a link from Kotaku it will have been worth the effort.

AN INTERVIEW WITH STEVE LYCETT AND TOBY ALLEN, FROM SUMO DIGITAL, ABOUT VT3:

For idiot newcomers who’ve just discovered gaming thanks to Nintendo’s new toy, please say why Virtua Tennis is the best sports game in the world.

It’s more like playing real tennis, you actually have to move your player around the court. It’s nice and easy to play, you don’t have to worry about loads of buttons and controls, so pretty much anyone can just pick it up! Plus you can play sitting down, which’ll be a new experience to Wii owners, that and the players having a full complement of limbs.

We noted with GREAT JOY that VT3 plays the same as VT always has. This is more of a statement than a question, so you don’t have to say anything after this one.

If it ain’t broke…

VT3’s new mini games – are these designed by Sumo or AM3?

Whilst we did suggest various mini-games – most to do with selecting inappropriate camera angles! – these were dropped in favour of the AM3 ones :o)

For our European readers who like statistics, can you say how many mini games there are?

I believe we have at least more than one mini-game, and possibly less than 13.

What about other stuff? Is there other stuff?

You are expecting more? You can hear tennis players moaning and groaning at your every movement and you want more…?

Is there a ‘super racquet’?

Yes. But we’re not saying what special abilities it will endow you with.

From a technical point of view, how do you make graphics go on a TV screen?

Inside each console is a sausage mincer that takes the raw graphics, then minces them up to go down the cable to the screen. This is why some cables are better than others. Take composite, it’s only got the one video tube, about as thick as a chipolata. This is why the picture on composite is all greasy and smeared. We recommend using a good quality component cable, which allows us to deliver a nice red Cumberland, green Lincolnshire and blue traditional Banger, giving overall a much meatier picture.

Is Richard Jacques doing any of the sound? You could get him to do grunting noises.

We prefer the girls grunting noises to be honest.

Can we help in any way? We could make grunting noises, or help ‘do’ the manual. For free, obviously.

We’d love to say yes, but usually we expect people to pay us for the privilege of working with us.

Who would you rather work closely with in a hot motion capture studio – Maria Sharapova or Daniela Hantuchova?

Wait a minute, we didn’t have to choose last time.

Can you adjust chest sizes in the character creation menu?

Of course we can, we’ll probably lock it out of the final game though.

You’re implementing the online play for Xbox 360 VT3 – how’s that going?

It’s going at 1080p at 60fps mostly. Plus with it being on Live, you can add your own grunts to the game! Or heavy breathing, whichever you prefer really.

Why is it that some games are glitchy and rubbish on Xbox Live, but others are really smooth? Surely developers should all enable ‘Really Smooth Mode’ by default?

Sending online data is similar to sending video, just you need to make sure there is no gristle in there. We use Tyne Brand data, unlike some other developers who use meat they’ve got cheap in the pub.

Do you have any involvement with the PS3 version of VT3?

We’ve played it. That and stole all AM3’s source code, which saved us doing a load of work.

Wouldn’t it be great if Sony closed and SEGA made a new console? Say, for Christmas 2007? It would be about five times as powerful as Xbox 360 and would launch with just Space Channel 5 Part 3!

But if Sony shut, there’d be no PS3 to play Sudoku on! We would of course welcome a new Sega console like a brother we never knew we had. So long as they weren’t ginger.

Isn’t it sad what’s happened to Sonic The Hedgehog recently?

Don’t tell me that was Sonic I hit on the way home from the pub. I just thought it was a blue haired punk juggling some rings. Sorry mate.

We might launch a campaign soon saying SEGA should make a new 2D Sonic game to release on Xbox Live/Virtual Console. Would you support this move? And more importantly, would you buy a t-shirt supporting it if we got some made up and charged about £17 for it?

We’d fully endorse a new 2D Sonic title. In fact we’re available for work as soon as VT3 goes. We only charge two thirds of our normal fee for a 2D game, since it has one less dimensions worth of graphics. T-Shirt wise, so long as it is better than the rival gangs ones, we didn’t get that.

Do you have any quotes you’d like us to get in the VT3 review? Usually we charge money for this service, but seeing as it’s Virtua Tennis we’ll do it for free.

VT3 is the only game to buy in March. Period.

Finally, can you say something controversial, so we can make it the headline and get loads of traffic from Digg? Say something like “PS3 isn’t as good as Xbox 360” or “Wii is just a Gamecube with a rubbish controller”.

Jack Thompson agrees that Virtual Tennis 3 is wholesome family fun. It is the only game he officially likes. Allegedly.

Thanks!

HERE ARE SOME ADDITIONAL SCREENSHOTS WE TOOK OF XBOX 360 VIRTUA TENNIS 3, SHOWN IN THEIR FULL 1080p GLORY:

We’re very proud of this screenshot. Great composition.

We’ve reviewed Xbox 360 Virtua Tennis 3 about four times so far for various media outlets, giving it two 9/10s and two 5/5s. We’ll give it 10/10 here as you understand a bit better. 10/10. It’s the first game this year we’ve been genuinely enthusiastic about, instead of just pretending to be enthusiastic about.