WE’VE GOT TO TRAVEL BACK TO 1995 IMMEDIATELY. This isn’t how it was meant to be. Something has gone BADLY WRONG with the time stream. This shouldn’t exist. SOMETHING HAS GONE WRONG. This shouldn’t be here in our WORLD LINE:

WE’RE ON THE WRONG TIMELINE! It’s not supposed to be like this. Oh god. We’ve got to fix it. We’ve got to do it all again. We’ve got to travel back to 1995 and TRY HARDER TO SAVE SEGA. WE’VE GOT TO GO BACK TO 1995 AND GET A SEGA SATURN. IT’S THE ONLY MACHINE THAT CAN PLAY SEGA RALLY PROPERLY IN THIS TIME FRAME. ALL THE SATURNS WERE DESTROYED BY PEOPLE WHO DIDN’T UNDERSTAND ITS POWER. WE HAVE TO GO BACK.

CAN ANYONE SUPPLY THE FOLLOWING:

1. Magnetic housing units for dual micro-singularities.
2. Electron injection manifold to alter mass and gravity of micro-singularities.
3. Cooling and x-ray venting system.
4. Gravity sensors (VGL system).
5. Main clocks (4 cesium units).
6. Main computer units (3).

It’s true. It’s really true at last. Gamers and internet geeks are actually getting SEX FROM WOMEN in Japan, and it’s all thanks to this guy.

Yes, it’s Train Man, the Japanese TV drama about a successful and attractive woman and a trainspotter falling in love via IM. Japanese ladies now see men who sit at home using the internet all day as sensitive, appreciative, romantic and challenging individuals rather than men who drink Spar vodka in the company toilets, download MP3s of women screaming and occasionally enjoy weeing on themselves in the shower.

This is not intended as an “Interesting news post” or an ironic “Ha ha! Only in Japan” style update. We are mentioning it because many people have booked holidays in Tokyo this year and it is of UTMOST IMPORTANCE THAT NONE OF THESE WOMEN SHOULD DISCOVER THE TRUTH. If we find out that just ONE of you dozy bastards has been letting the cat out of the bag, there will be consequences.

This is from some Xbox 360 party, and we can only assume they’re trying to spell out 3 – 6 – 0 and that Fergie has got it wrong and is doing a four.

The alternative — that they think they’re BEING REALLY COOL — is too horrid to contemplate.

Virtua Tennis 3 — powered by Sega’s Lindbergh board — will be on show this week at the ATEI show held in the heart of London’s fashionable ‘London’. We’ll probably go just because of this, and also because there might be an OutRun2 on freeplay and girls playing DDR.

As you can see, the game is about ‘tennis’. The rules of tennis are that you hit the ball over the net, trying to keep it between the lines. You score 15 points each time your opponent fails to keep it in, although sometimes you only score ten points — that’s because the scoring system was created by the French who were just being difficult.

The most important rule of tennis is to be a pretty blond girl. Then it doesn’t matter if you win, as you will win in life anyway.

Sega didn’t send out any screenshots of the blond girls, so all you get is loads of men’s arses :(

It’s the grass one set in London! Obviously it’ll be called the “London Open” or the “England Cup” or the “Jolly Tournament” rather than “Wimbledon”.

Looks really quite amazingly nice, really, doesn’t it? Even though it’ll just be “more Virtua Tennis”.

We even bother uploading the logo. That’s how much we love Sega. Come back next week and we might do a little review based on playing it at ATEI, if we go.

THE FULL AND QUITE POORLY WRITTEN PRESS RELEASE:
Sunday, 22 January 2006

Sega Brings Centre Court to Earls Court!!

Some of the most realistic graphics to come out of Sega’s world leading R&D teams will be on display at Earls Court this week. Taking a look at the latest version of Virtua Tennis 3 on the new Lindbergh universal cabinet and you will think you are at home in July watching Centre Court on your brand new widescreen plasma. All that is missing is the strawberries and cream!

The game boasts the top players in the world including Henman, Roddick, Hewitt and World No.1 Roger Federer. The format of the game takes players on a world tour of some of the most famous courts in the world across France, the US, Australia, Germany and of course the famous halloed turf from SW16.

To increase the player’s involvement this version features IC Smart card technology. With the card the player can participate in a virtual ‘World Ranking’, starting at 999th in the world with the aim of becoming World Champ. The progression up the ranks depends on how well matches are won and who against. Equally any matches lost will affect the ranking. Also as a feature to stimulate regular repeat play if a player does not use his card for a period of time his ranking will decrease.

It is also possible to manipulate the play style of the tennis player; whether you want to ‘play base’ line, ‘serve and volley’ or ‘offensive’ amongst a choice of 8 styles you can. With the IC Card the player can change outfits and build up a collection of tournament medals.

For the novice player the game features a series of training sessions. This will strengthen various techniques by setting the player a mission – such as performing 6 forehands followed by 6 backhands followed by a smash volley.
Sega’s Justin Burke commented, “Aside from all the great names, famous courts and games features perhaps the ‘wow’ factor is the amazing graphics that are recreated on the screen. This in a location is going to stand out by a long way. The first two games in this series have both been massive hits and there is every reason that this will be another smash!”

We bought one of the Sega Toys Homestar Home Planetariums with the help of (a) lots of money and (b) someone who went to Japan for Christmas. It’s a plastic globe that makes the stars appear on your ceiling.

Suddenly, lying on the floor in the dark is a hobby rather than a cry for help.

Here’s where it says “Sega” on the box! And it’s the right kind of blue. It’s the wrong font but still a NEW ELECTRICAL SEGA THING!

This is the Sega Homestar. We got the silver one, by chance. It has buttons on it, a sort of disc tray in the front and looks quite cool — if a little cheaply manufactured (the buttons are a bit ‘Pay As You Go’).

Here’s another place it says “Sega” on it! This proves we were not stupid to blow 150 quid on getting this relatively small and flimsy piece of plastic sent back to us from Japan.

(OK, so it’s actually saying “Sega Toys”, but that’s close enough when IT’S ALL YOU’VE GOT LEFT TO CLING TO.)

The disc tray comes right out so you can look inside at the mechanism. It’s a little motor and small plastic wheel. This must be really easy to develop for!

We also got a ‘Handy Homestar’. We have absolutely no idea how this works. Also the battery on it was flat. Still, it looks like a cool little thing AND it’s by Sega so we’re very glad we got it.

It comes with little boxes of discs. The discs contains the stars.

It doesn’t take CDs. Or GD-ROMs. Or DVDs. The discs are little transparent plastic discs with a map of the stars printed on them.

This is us putting a disc into a Sega machine! Just like in the old days. Just think, that could be a game disc we’re putting into a new Sega console!

TURNING IT ON! It lights up and everything. This is great news. It really works and we haven’t wasted lots of money (not that buying Sega things is ever a waste of money!)

These buttons alter the speed and rotation of the stars.

Some buttons remain a mystery to this very day!

When you look inside it it’s FULL OF STARS! Just like Dreamcast was. At least, that’s how we remember it.

This flimsy circular insert adjusts the focus of the beam. When beaming from a normal height bedside cabinet to a regular ceiling, it covers an area approximately 12-14 feet across with an image of a starry galaxy.

If were were putting our photos on Flickr this’d be the one we’d use. It’s the artiest one. Look, that thing on the left is a bit blurry. We even let ourselves go mad and hold the camera at an angle. If you work for a magazine like Stuff or T3 you should probably “get us in” to do product photography!

And this is what you get on your ceiling. This is our bedroom ceiling, ladies! It’s quite a good effect as long as the room is very dark. The stars are a little blurred around the edges, but that makes it all the more interesting to look at. When the stars slowly rotate it’s quite mesmerising and nice, especially when the horse tranquilisers are kicking in.

BUT WAS IT WORTH 150 QUID?
Not really. But it’s cooler than a lava lamp and relaxing to look at when you go to bed all angry and full of rage. We’re thinking of organising an event where we demonstrate the Homestar in a public environment. If you’d like to come along, email us. If lots of people express an interest in lying on the floor in a dark room looking at the stars, we’ll book somewhere.

Out in the UK on January 27 — and WE’RE READY FOR IT!

“…once the clitoris has been located, shoot at it — but remember to also stimulate other areas with bombs.”

“If you have a ‘multiple’ try gently dragging it along the surface of the skin for an extra delicious sensation when she’s ready to explode.”

Gradius Portable!

ENSIGN TEELA: I found photos from this concert that happened last November where they performed remixes of all the Sonic Rush music with costumes. The Japanese says “Sonic Rush Jack,” which could be interpreted as “Sonic Rush Jacques” and we could make a joke about Sonic music.

COMMANDER ZORG: That’s absolute shit. Get out. Everyone’s right about you.

ENSIGN TEELA: But wait, look. It looks like that bloke’s sucking Sonic’s cock.

COMMANDER ZORG: Hmmm…

Yes they are! Starting from today! Starting from the day Monkey Ball Mini Golf comes out for mobile phone:

Monkeys — check! Pretty clouds — check! Checkpoints — check. Bananas — CHECKITY-CHECK MOTHERFUCKER!

The game’s site has an extremely unnecessary PDF manual explaining how to play it. The main thing is it involves having a certain number of bananas.

Each time you collect a thing, you get another of a different thing. This is how games are supposed to work! Only Sega understands this properly. Sega is the last survivor from the Golden Age. If Sega dies, this knowledge will die with it and games will only ever be about running drugs for the mafia and smoking crack in hotel rooms with prostitutes.

Points! You play to accumulate “points”. Younger readers might like to know that “points” is what “respect” used to be called in the old days.

Each course has an objective. Your objective is measured in bananas. Your objective is MEASURED IN BANANAS! We measure everything in bananas. We’re 34 bananas tall, weigh 1,050 bananas and our penis is 0.7 of a banana.

IT’S ONLY THREE QUID FROM HERE AND IS SORT OF BY SEGA SO CAN’T BE THAT BAD EVEN THOUGH IT’S FOR A PHONE:
Monkey Ball Mini Golf – iFone

We’ve made two UKR t-shirts you can buy in our new shop. One’s about loving Sega, the other’s a bit more vague and sort of a joke about ‘gang culture’:

We’ve made 100 of each, about 40 medium, 30 large and 30 “American” (XL). We even made ten “Gang Member” ones in a girl’s size for girls! We’ll be taking those to the grave, but it was fun making a “product”.

ABOUT THE SHIRTS
They’re printed on needlessly expensive American Apparel shirts, because we didn’t want to do any cheap, ill-fitting crap. The AA tees are nice and a bit fitted so they don’t go all stretched and baggy. The designs are screen printed so will last.

They’re 15.99 MIGHTY ENGLISH POUNDS each. Postage is 1.99, or 2.49 if you buy two or more. Oh, and buy them here. You can pay by Paypal or using a credit card, and you don’t need to sign up for a Paypal account. Hope you like them! (please like them, we’ve got two-fucking-hundred).

OUR OFFICIAL PRESS RELEASE:
Both UKR t-shirts are also ideal for mopping up tears or blood.