Author Archive

MUTUAL MASTURBATION FRIDAY, AKA PS3 STILL BOTTOM IN JAPAN

We suggest a simultaneous ejaculation at 3.15pm, which leaves enough time for lunch to settle down so no one feels nauseous after. Everyone in?

JAPANESE HARDWARE SALES, WEEK ENDING OCTOBER 12

DS: 31,914
PSP: 23,901
Wii: 22,877
360: 7,763
PS2: 6,982
PS3: 5,734

ANALYSIS
At this rate, Sony’s only revenue stream from gaming in 2011 will be the several thousand pounds it generates annually through selling replacement PS2 DVD drive lenses. Today’s news agenda set, as always, by NeoGAF.

Comments (16)

AUSTRALIAN CAR WITH “SONIC” NUMBER PLATE

This was sent in back in March. We have been sitting on it all this time. Or, rather, we have been waiting for a day when there’s such a lack of quality alternative material available that even a car number plate photograph is welcome.

“I spotted this in a shopping mall car park and thought it was worth taking a photo of with my POWERFUL 2.0 MEGAPIXEL iPhone. Notice that the plate actually says “SONIC” and not “SON1C”, “S0NEC” or sOnIKZZORSzZ1!!1!!” This guy was clearly there from the beginning, and did not jump on the bandwagon with Shadow the Hedgehog” – Johnny.

A SIDE NOTE REGARDING MANLINESS
“On a side note, the car is a Commodore, the type driven by hard men who drink XXXX and work on construction sites. I took this photo while pretending to text so as to not be called a poofta by the owner. He wasn’t actually in the car, but there was still a chance he was somewhere around, hence the shaking hand.”

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A LITTLE SEGA CAR AND A MAN’S SEGA TATTOO

There are four perfectly innocent photos of the little SEGA car to draw you in and earn your trust, then a horrific image of a man’s SEGA tattoo.

“Some images that could look nice in your website. I haven’t found any SEGA tatoo yet… apart from mine, I mean” – Clozeone.

Ahh, isn’t it sweet?

Isn’t it just the cutest thing?

What a lovely little idea!

TOMORROW: Gold cock rings photo special.

Comments (8)

“DELUXE 10PC AMY ROSE COSTUME FROM SONIC THE HEDGEHOG”

Sent in by a man/manchild/girl that calls itself “Link” and may therefore be some sort of Nintendo sympathiser. Found on eBay. Comes pre-owned so has been worn and might still smell of previous owner, or at least of previous owner’s washing powder and house.

10 pieces? That’s one piece of broken dignity, three pieces of smashed pride and six pieces of shame.

THE FACE COMES OFF.

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HETEROSEXUALS MAY NOW FREELY ADMIT TO WANTING A BIT OF SONIC

Sent in my a man who operates under the internet name of “Babook” to stop people finding out who he is, where he lives and the crimes he has committed in the past.

And no, we don’t have a higher resolution version, or any alternative angles of her rolled into a ball.

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A LIST OF SALES FIGURES, IN ORDER

Cocks out, everyone! PS3’s the anus of another chart. Sony’s ten year plan to become the new AMSTRAD is going swimmingly.

JAPANESE HARDWARE SALES, WEEK ENDING OCTOBER 5

DS: 42,385
PSP: 26,045
Wii: 25,330
PS2: 8,618
360: 8,271
PS3: 7,232

PS3 is getting hammered, into the ground, balls first. As ever, we must state that we do not care who wins. It is all about Sony losing, as justice for all its past LIES and SINS.

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FREEZE! SOE PD!

About two years ago, a reader asked if we wanted a Dreamcast coat that said “SOE PD” on the back. We said yes. We may even have said “SHIT YES!” and went off to pick it up, a process that involved actual human contact with the owner. It was terrifying, yet exhilarating to get a piece of Dreamcast internal merchandise.

Then we somehow lost the coat before getting around to doing an update about it. God knows how it got lost, as it was never worn or taken anywhere. It just disappeared.

Fortunately, someone else has one. And they paid money for theirs.

The coat itself was bulky and ugly, the sort of thing a person who works outside all day might be made to wear by their employer. Losing it wasn’t that much of a heart break, to be honest, as it’d only have sat there taking up wardrobe space until we died and a homeless charity came to take it away.

“Seeing as you’ve done a few updates about random SEGA-branded kit over the last few weeks, I thought you might like to see these poor quality pics of a Dreamcast branded jacket I got off eBay a few years ago.”

PRODUCT DEVELOPMENT!

“It says ‘SOE PD’ on the front (which probably stands for SEGA of Europe… something), and on the back it has an expertly embroidered Dreamcast logo. Unfortunately (or more likely, fortunately) I can’t wear it in public because even though it’s a ‘medium,’ it’s far to small for me. Bah!” – Tom.

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ELSEWHERE ON “THE NETWORK” #00041

We have once again defied the will of the general public and pretended to know something about the following subjects.

  • This thing about how science could make man better.
  • This thing in which we explain the concept of “books” to younger urban readers.
  • This thing which is about Tekken 6 coming to Xbox 360 again, as the world needs to be told as many times as possible that PlayStation3 is dead.
  • This thing about Gears of War SHOES, which definitely warranted the use of an emoticon in the headline.
  • This thing about the Bruker AKS G4 PHOENIX Combustion Analysis System with Infrared Furnace for Determination of Diffusible Hydrogen in Wide Range of Metals Applications, because you can’t not use pictures like this when they come along:
  • A mumsy and safe 6/10.

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    WE’VE ALWAYS LIKED TEKKEN, YOU KNOW

    Jesus H Gates. Namco has just told the world it’s bringing Tekken 6 to Xbox 360. Another reason for retards to bother with PS3 blown to SMALL PIECES. Imagine Ridge Racer coming out on the Saturn. IMAGINE THAT NOW. Amazing news.

    Here’s a charitable link to CVG about it, should you consider a story on CVG to count as official confirmation of something being real.

    Have we ever mentioned how much we’ve always admired the character development and play innovations of the Tekken series?

    Comments (28)

    THE LATEST NEWS FROM SEGA NEWS FOOD AND WINE

    A year ago we revealed this. Now, a reader who isn’t au fait with the entire UKR archive, has submitted this. A more up-to-date image that accurately portrays the current UK situation – banking doom and murders – via its news boards.

    At least some of the graffiti has been cleaned up.

    “You probably have this picture already, but not taken at 8.58am on the 1st October. It warms my heart that a memorial to the memorial of S.O.R.’s Axel Stone lives here” – r@v.

    Comments (12)