To be on the safe side, can about 50 of you lot get down there as well? And take proper cameras, not mobile phones.

If you enter the competition and win, that’s your travel expenses paid.

Everyone was excited about Gameswipe, because it looked like being a bit of “proper” games TV. As in, it might have interesting opinions and views, rather than being a woman with a passable face talking about the new promotional footage they got sent over from EA to illustrate the week’s new releases.

If you can make iPlayer work where you live, you can watch it here. The ace opening titles are highlight #1.

First of all, we had to remember what room of the house the television was in. Where was it last? When did we last watch anything LIVE as it was broadcast on the common people’s entertainment medium?

It was in the bedroom, in the corner there underneath all the clothes. Now, the remote control… and what buttons do you press to make it work? Right. Gosh, look how many new channels there are these days. Anyway…

Charile’s got a wonky face, used to work on a games magazine and is angry all the time. He is one of us. He’s so much like one of us that he really shouldn’t be allowed to do nice things, like be on the television where women will get to look at him.

But he was. And as of this morning, Gameswipe’s the #2 most popular thing to watch on iPlayer. Let’s try not to be too angry about those facts and attempt to review the programme impartially.

We were terrified it was going to be shit, as that would make it look like we’re trying to be all cool AGAIN by saying something popular’s shit on the internet to get attention.

But it wasn’t, and cheering was heard from all the houses in the street when Sonic appeared at the 6:28 point. It looks like Gameswipe is going to be OK!

Gameswipe did one thing very well – it articulated the puzzling way games are VERY POPULAR WITH EVERYONE, yet no one seems to know how to put them on telly. And when they do get on the telly, it’s usually some idiot who doesn’t understand them who’s been given the job of talking about them.

There’s some brilliant archive footage and TV adverts in it, including this seminal shot of Dave Perry and Big Boy Barry. Charlie said something funny about this moment. We won’t attempt to appear funny by association by reproducing it here.

It also managed not to be ironic about the old days. It was factual when it needed to be. A bit too much like a catalogue listing products in places, but for the adult, arty, BBC4 audience it was aimed that, that was what it had to be to make them understand.

Don’t usually like this man, but he made a good point about giving up after 11 percent. Even the Castle/Consolevania men were acceptable.

He calls 50 Cent an embarrassing piece of shit, says MMORPGs are rubbish and isn’t exactly holding himself open for Wii. Job done. We won’t spoil any more, just in case you’ve got a torrent on the download and it’s what you were planning on doing tonight.

Definitely not shit. Probably the best and fairest games TV show there’s ever been, even including all those episodes of GamesMaster that are better in our minds now than they were when they came out. Wouldn’t mind a whole series of it, please, if there’s any budget leftover from paying celebrities to dance about.

EA made its booth babes at TGS wear ill-fitting promotional t-shirts. She’s not wearing much make-up because she’s just sobbed it all off in the toilets.

The poor thing. All she can do is take solace from being allowed to accessorise.

Microsoft opted for visible green bras, which is why it’s doing much better in the territory these days. Photos taken from a frankly disappointing Famitsu booth babe update. This had better just be a Day One teaser set before the men with confidence and proper cameras arrive and start telling them to lick their fingers.

Do you want it wrapped, or is it OK to leave it in the Amazon packaging?

Your other present is a DVD. Not sure which one yet.

Here’s consumer rights MILF Anne Robinson having a right old go at PS3. The report is utter nonsense, but we’re obliged to agree with it seeing as it’s Sony getting called shit on national television.

WARNING: Contains Iain Lee at the 4:30 point.

Feels like we’re fighting dirty by using this horrific weapon.

The makers of this ask if the viewers would like it to be made into a full-length film. We’d imagine SEGA’s answer would be “Definitely not”.

Our answer is also a “Not”. But thanks anyway.

The enemy has won a minor battle. Reader “Benjamin” has provided a visual analysis of the newly-released sales data.

Week #2 up 200 percent. Week #3 up 42 percent. Week #4 MISERY AS USUAL until the next price cut at Easter of 2011. The enemy may take solace in this HOLLOW VICTORY, but we will not be fooled. No tide has turned here, it is merely a ripple in the ocean of piss that is PS3.

We ignored the recent Dubai shopping centre SEGA theme park news on account of there not being any accompanying imagery. Fortunately, SEGA has now prodived some on its world-consuming Flickr presence.

Flickr Account Monitor “Anne” provided all the links and captions. We did the really hard bit in uploading all the pictures. If anyone’s a hero today, it’s the man who uploaded 11 images and pasted 11 bits of text below the right ones.

It is good (AKA heart-breakingly sad) to see that the arcades of Dubai are just as empty as the arcades of the UK. Although the Dubai one has the excuse of not being open yet.

[1] “Sega has apparently decided to open a new country in the Mall of Dubai.”

[2] “They seem to have set up public works programs building futuristic halfpipes in order to jumpstart their economy.”

[3] “The almighty visage of Sonic watches over the workers and inspires them to greater heights of glory.”

[4] “Not sure what Spingear is. National sport? Game show? Way of torturing PS3 owners (i.e. political prisoners)?”

[5] “The Sega Republic seems to sparsely populated. Perhaps the population will rise as word gets out that they offer billiards?”

[6] “Children of the Republic can acquire all sorts of Sonic plushes. Though none of Cream the Rabbit. :(“

[7] “Magic thought-projecting bubbles (separated by gender) help to keep the citizens thinking in the proper Sega frame of mind.”

[8] “The great leader lets the citizens know they’re doing A-ok!”

[9] “The Sega Republic’s military is trained on state of the art simulators.”

[10] “Immigration kiosks stand at the entrance to the country. Becoming a citizen is easy, and mainly involves swearing never to buy a PS3, and to laugh at Ken Kutaragi whenever possible.”

[11] “The card that identifies one as citizen of the Sega Republic. It provides a mild electric shock to the citizen whenever they think about buying a Sony product.”

There’s a picture to go with this week’s Japanese sales data, taken from here. This would make a great desktop image. It’s small, so there’s lots of space for your icons to go around it.

People will say it’s because Japanese gamers are waiting for the PS3 Slim. We will not say that. We will merely sit here becoming increasingly drunk, even though the yard arm is still in the shade.

Don’t get Bravo any more. As in, don’t receive the transmission. Which is probably for the best, otherwise this poor lady would be getting a much more thorough debriefing right now.

She’s the vaguely acceptable face of “Gameface” – a new (SEASON 1, EPISODE 5) TV show about games. Incredibly, she uses the term “veritable platter” in her opening piece to camera, setting back games reporting by over a decade.

They should’ve used Emily Booth. Everyone should use Emily Booth. We would like to use Emily Booth, as has been well documented. We would, as Annie Lennox once put it, also like to get used by Emily Booth. Used as a toilet.