By Consumer Editor Michael Zorg

Confused about HDTV formats? Then be confused about HDTV formats no more!

HDTV BUYING TIPS:
From what we can work out, there are two kinds of HDTV set — EXPENSIVE SILVER WIDE ONES, and CHEAP BLACK SQUARE ONES.

CONCLUSION:
The expensive silver wide ones are probably best to buy because they cost more.

SCORES:
Silver Wide Ones 5/5
Black Square Ones: 3/5

What next for the crusading Miami attorney?

1. People who LOUDLY CHEW GUM
2. Asians and blacks

WHAT YOU WILL NEED:

1. An office re-fitted in the 1980s or early 90s
2. Some imagination
3. A willingness to affect change in your life.

HOW TO PLAY:
Try to calm down a bit. Lean back in chair. Unclench fists and teeth and buttocks. Look at ceiling for at least an hour. Try to calm down a bit more. Imagine each square is something you’re angry about. See angry squares merge and disappear. Imagine light fittings are things you’re frustrated with. Imagine them also joining together and disappearing. Unclench fists and teeth and buttocks again. Go home, and when asked if everything is OK, say “IT IS FINE” and lie down until it is tomorrow.

WAYNE’S WRITING TUTOR SAYS: “I’m a big fan of EA’s FIFA series and I’m really looking forward to getting my hands on the final version. The game is very popular with many other players, especially when we travel together for away matches, and it’s a great honour for a young player like myself to be chosen to be featured on the cover of FIFA,” said Wayne Rooney — IN EXCHANGE FOR MONEY.

“Your face, Wayne. HOLD IT OVER YOUR FACE”

This is going to save the controller-faking community thousands of man-hours over the coming months.

Here’s a Nintendo Revolution Controller we just made:

We made it look like a sick puppy with a squiffy eye so it appeals to the female demographic!

Nintendo Controller Fake Editor – by claudiotosado

It’s from EA game From Russia With Love, so it’s not like we’ll ever see this again:

The artists have trimmed off about three stone and a few centimetres of jaw bone, apart from that it’s quite accurate.

UKR FACT: We had a pretend girlfriend called Natasha for two years, so our parents didn’t worry about us being (a) lonely, or (b) gay.

Xbox 360 Ridge Racer 6 is going to feature HEAD-TO-HEAD ONLINE RACING, and better still, you can UPLOAD YOUR TIMES to a central server!

The press release spells out how genius Namco is going to make these amazing new gaming features happen:

“Utilizing a Worldwide Player Matching system, players can match up against drivers from around the world in intense head-to-head drift racing match ups”

It’s one brand new feature after another!

Three cheers for magical innovationalists Namco! Oh, and Ridge Racer 6 is now confirmed as an Xbox 360 launch game, which is like PROPER NEWS.

There’s a game called F.E.A.R. coming out on PC. In the amazing, ironic way our mind works, this got us thinking about the Ian Brown song that’s also called F.E.A.R. — in which Ian ‘Crack-face’ Brown sings a whole song only using words that start with F, E, A and R.

AND THEN!
We though we’d try and come up with some F.E.A.R.’s for what the game F.E.A.R. might be about. We’re not going to bother trying to make them rhyme with each other, that’d be going too far.

You might want to skip this update and come back tomorrow. We’re not expecting anyone to email in saying they liked this, if that helps take the pressure off.

OUR VIDEO GAME F.E.A.R.’s (please read them in the style of the Song):

Fantastic Early Artwork Renders
Futuristic Earth’s Apocalyptic Remains
Find Every Ancient Route
Familiar Exploration, Awful Resolution

Forgotten Enemy After Revenge
Fight Endless AI Robots
Fucking Enemies All Respawn
Final Enemies Are Repetitious

Fire Energy At Retreaters
Frag Everything And Run
Fuck Every American Retard
For Elevator, Access Required

Fire Everything At Robotnik
Fight Earth, Alien Race!
Fire EMP, Axe, Revolver
For Ever As Ryu

Futile EA Annual Remake
False Enthusiasm At Retail
Feeling Endless Aeris Remorse
Forgettable Ending Adds Regret

Face Evil Attacking Relentlessly
Something Something, Ages Reloading.

That’s it. That’s how funny we are these days. With this and a rubbish joke about the RIAA suing radio listeners we’ve officially lost too many brain cells to be left in charge of web sites.

*JOE PASQUALE LOOKS ON FEELING SUPERIOR SMILEY FACE*

THE ALL-TIME LIST OF FUNNY THINGS:

1: Fat women tripping over and falling into fountains (14th consecutive year at number one!)
2: Really excited dogs
3: Someone knocking a cup of tea off their desk and it going right in their bag
…
…
…
9,999,998: Dad’s bowel cancer
9,999,999: The new Ricky Gervais sitcom ‘Extras’
10,000,000: UK:Resistance circa 2005

The drama queens at anti-piracy boredom-enforcer ELSPA have decided to jump on the “blame benefit claimants for everything” bandwagon, using such ANGRY TABLOID PHRASES as “falsely claiming benefits” and “lining their pockets with tax payers money” in an attempt to make video game piracy sound as important and dangerous as, say, smuggling drugs or having a gun.

Here’s how they’ve tried to make video game piracy sound as important and dangerous as smuggling drugs or having a gun:

Tax payers money? TAX PAYERS MONEY? We’d rather it went to video game pirates — who at least give us something in return — than students. What’s ELSPA doing about students? NOTHING. That’s the real crime. If you eliminate the students, you eliminate the demand for getting things for free. We’d even vote for the Liberal Democrats if they said they were going to “stop students”.

PS:
We want a secret cupboard. Their secret cupboard was obviously rubbish. Ours would be so secret that Michael Rawlinson wouldn’t ever find it.

By way of an apology for all the bad things we’ve been saying about women recently, here’s a photo of a lovely one in her underwear — proving that the USELESS MOANING BITCHES do sometimes serve some sort of purpose: Employee of the Week.

Next week: Abi Titmuss. After that: Jennifer Ellison. After that: Abi Titmuss. After that: Jennifer Ellison. After that: Abi Titmuss. After that: Jennifer Ellison. After that: Abi Titmuss. After that: Jennifer Ellison. After that: Abi Titmuss. BUT THEN… Jennifer Ellison again.