10% — Creativity-challenged magazines copying ideas out of ‘Jack’
25% — The effectiveness of using “They started it” as an excuse
30% — Having to wait eight weeks for a response
35% — Shenmue obviously

Yes, of course that’s a deliberately misleading headline designed to strike fear into certain hearts. The point is the forum at Gaming-Age found the below image of “Xbox 2” on Amazon. Beautiful in its simplicity. We can’t wait to get one, despite reservations over that controller design.

The Amazon “review” uses the following words and phrases:

subject to change
strongly hinted at
rumoured
speculation
rumours
allegedly
expected
suggest
undoubtedly
it’s thought that
no official announcements as yet
widely rumoured
hinted at

Read the full ludicrous guess-piece here (then maybe write a news story on it for your web site or cynical-yet-insightful industry blog). We’re waiting for the first reader review to appear.

Lovely New Lara comes with a bluetooth mobile phone headset, no doubt designed with a lucrative tie-in with Nokia in mind. But what is she saying? Who is she talking to? It’s READER INTERACTION TIME!

There is no joke here. Reporting facts like these makes us feel like Michael Buerk standing in famine-torn Africa in 1984, or that bloke who said “Oh the humanity” when that air-thing caught on fire. You can see the disaster for yourselves. Words are meaningless at desperate times like these.

BECAUSE…
FIFA Street has taken over the country. It’s probably going to win the general election. A CG Wayne Rooney will be prime minister, and new education minister MC Harvey will write a rap about school dinners. He will rhyme “reconstitued meat” with “FIFA Street”.

Will the last person leaving the country please turn off the power strip so the Xboxes don’t go up.

We’d find it easier to go into a pharmacy and ask for “AIDS CREAM” than go to a game shop for a copy of FIFA Street.

Direct from Japan! See Sonic Happy Meal Game expert BUST Tails Football in ONE MINUTE! Awesome reflexes! Pure speed! See the game PLAYED TO COMPLETION in 1:03!!

Download video file HERE! [6.9mb avi]

Yes, Gizmondo has a WHOLE SHOP all to itself on London’s Regent Street. It’s as stupid an idea as an undersea supermarket. Or a shop that only sells pre-chewed pen lids. Or a shop you go in to catch flu. Or a colon cancer booth. Or an MP3 player that won’t play all of an album’s tracks in a row.

ANYWAY…
So we went to the Gizmondo shop for two reasons; to see if it really exists or was just a joke, and if it DOES really exist, to see what kind of people would go in it.

IT EXISTS!
Wow. It’s all new and clean. Just like the Apple store, only not selling anything you aspire to own. It’ll still be new and clean when they board it up in a couple of months, too! And look! There’s a person actually inside it! (NOTE: that is NOT our reflection).

A CONFUSED TOURIST!
No, the Queen’s house is near Green Park. No, Tony Blair lives nearer Westminster. No, I’m not Robbie Williams. We probably should’ve told the poor man that the Apple store with all the iPods is just around the corner.

SOME STAFF!
There were four, but three ran away when we started taking photos. What is that man thinking? Does he think he’s on the bleeding-edge of a new-media revolution? Or is he worried that there’s only one person in the shop apart from some idiot taking photos, which means he’s probably going to be sacked in about two months when the money runs out? If it’s the latter he’s too good to be working there and should start a Blog about the comedic Gizmondo cash-squandering.

SURGING QUEUES OF RABID EARLY ADOPTERS!
Or… just one man half-heartedly playing a game because he has nowhere else to be and nothing else to do. This is what games industry parties are like, only we’re sober and not standing next to Richard Melville.

A TRENDY LOUNGE!
This is where the models will sit for the photoshoots, when they have a party to celebrate actually selling one to someone.

WIDE RANGE OF GAMES!
The shelf next to it had a similar row of Fathammer Classics — the ‘other’ Gizmondo game currently out to buy.

MORE COMING SOON!
Here’s an annoying fact. We went to the shop last week on a recon mission, at which time there was a game called “Sega Classics Collection” in this Coming Soon section. “That’ll make a good photo!” we thought, thinking how we could possibly say the Gizmondo is the best thing ever because it’s got Sega games. But then it wasn’t here when we returned to take the photos.

SUMMARY…
A picture speaks a thousand words. The word is “HA” repeated 1000 times.

Time for another (NOT AT ALL BASED ON OUR REAL LIFE IN ANY WAY WE PROMISE) Employee of the Week. This one was submitted in the form of a handwritten note by UKR groupie “Alleycat”, so if you meet us in real life don’t say this is your favourite thing you’ve ever seen on the site.

Probably the greatest bargain in the entire history of videogames. Head to Play.com and do your bit for charity.

It’s worth £1000. And all your CHILDREN.

For today, it was either another one of these stupid things no one (a) gets or (b) reads or something needlessly aggressive about the Gizmondo ad spamming service. But we’ve already written some SEETHING and completely unnecessary Giz-hate for the weekend (teaser trailer!) so we’ll let it pass. For 24 hours at least.

Hmm, what clues can be gleaned about the form and function of Xbox 2 from this posting lifted from the ourcolony.net Xbox 2 viral marketing web site?