We went there after one thing. One shot, one specific photograph, one moment of magic — and got it. Was it a booth babe’s pants? An ironic photo of a man taking an ironic photo of men taking photos of girls? No. It was this. We couldn’t believe our eyes, and luck, at seeing a wild Retro-Man in his natural habitat.

If you like retro games, this is you. Even if you are thin, this is you on the inside. You will forever be morbidly obese and playing Tron in the minds of women.

Game Stars Live — where 20,000 school kids are currently finding out that you don’t get given “free games” from Sony just for turning up — is happening now. Here’s what’s on the UKR stand! Don’t forget to pop in to pretend you’re our friends for a brief, awkward and painful five-minute chat!

Tune Tune TunerStars
Tune up for the ultimate tuning sim! Tune everything, tune it again, tune that, tune the subsequent settings then tune it all again as part of a well-tuned tuning team to win the (tuneable) TunerStars Tuning Tunionship! Tunes by upcoming garage star MC Tweaker. And girls with chequered flags! (tuneable colours).

Slow Game For Old Men
You play Mythrusrusrusrus, on a quest for the 1,889,999 really well hidden dark swords. Honestly, you’ll have to click on every pixel. It’ll take a year to do, but that’s OK, isn’t it? You’ve got to do something before you die. Xbox exclusive.

STOP! Men of Police Enforcers
You’ve got a CAR and a GUN. And we made some cities with two buildings you can ACTUALLY GO INSIDE. So off you go. That’s a game nowadays, isn’t it? That’ll be £45 please, you IDIOTS. “9/10 — Zany Console Planet”

Some Interactive Thing That’s Probably Meant For Pre-school Girls
Just because we don’t understand how waving at something (to music) is supposed to be a game doesn’t mean it won’t sell to 10 million youths.

The Acclaim 2004/5 Line-Up
Thanks to disgruntled ex-employees dumping code on Bittorrent we’ve just signed Juiced!

“So good it’s almost scary” — Those are the words of actress/model/Newsnight presenter Kelly Brook, on her inclusion in Need For Speed Underground 2. Over to EA’s PR-bot:

“Kelly takes on the role of Nikki, a rebellious and full throttled street racer who can really handle herself, looking as good out of the car as she does in it.

“Kelly said of the game “It’s amazing to see yourself transformed into a videogame character, EA did a great job making my character Nikki look like I do. I’m very excited to be a part of Need for Speed Underground 2 and I can’t believe how realistic videogames have become, the sense of speed and graphics are so good it’s almost scary.”

This is good news because these are her tits:

We must stop EA buying OUR WOMEN.

Two of the most depressing, soulless and miserable things in the world are combining at Gamestars Live — the despairingly popular trend of “retro gaming” and the abysmal “lifestyle branding” of the JoystickJunkies — represented in unison at the JoystickJunkies Retro Lounge.

If ever we were to lose control in a public place and start talking to people in real life like we do on the internet (saying “he’s a fucking cunt” and “you’re a TWAT with gay hair” instead of “sorry” and “would you like a cup of tea?”) this’d be where it’d happen.

Mind you, we’ll still drink their free beer (because this means we win, as it incurs them expense without gaining any positive coverage in return for the trendier-than-thou rapers of gaming history).

Christ. It turns out DoA was a precise and realistic representation of the SICK PERV SHAME of real-life beach volleyball, as these images of the Athens 2004 Olympic Beach Volleyball event testify.

If any girlfriends of ours tried to go to the beach dressed like that we’d probably go mental on them with coathangers, claw hammers and acid so no-one would ever look at them again.

SMALL BIKINI SHAME
We’ve created some wallpapers of the amazing arses for those of you who can get them past girlfriends/IT departments. Enjoy.

Our favourite by miles. (1024 x 768, 123k)

Assorted v-ball ass desktops. All joint second favourites. Even the Chinese one.

Normally we like to protect our image sources, but in this instance feel we must share our findings for the good of others with nothing to do on Sunday than rhythmically tap their genitals into the underside of PC desks.

Pace yourselves, though — these are only the photos from DAY ONE.

We’ve been dreaming of a time when, to play FIFA, is not to be painful, to be loading up the game not feeling sha-a-ameful – that time is now! Morrissey’s recent single ‘Irish Blood, English Heart’ is on the FIFA 2005 soundtrack, a fact we were told two months ago but dismissed immediately as a joke.

EA! STOP TARNISHING HISTORY!

Also impossible to comprehend is the inclusion of New Order’s ‘Blue Monday’, a song so legendary in status that pinning it onto a FIFA game is tantamount to the VIOLENT ANAL RAPE of our childhood memories by some sort of tentacle beast from DIMENSION X.

Click here for the full FIFA 2005 soundtrack listing of shame. Has YOUR favourite artist’s integrity just gone up in smoke?

So go the beautiful, poetic lyrics of Shystie’s rap intro to Acclaim’s new racer Juiced — easily the most “street” and “urban” game currently in development. She shouts “Blood!” as men break-dance beside computer-generated cars which, funnily enough, is how we like to spend our Sunday afternoons too.

Here’s a quote from Shystie, taken from our own personal favourite UK Underground Urban Music Magazine RWD, which reveals that someone’s been lying to her quite a bit;

“It’s called Juiced, a car racing game. My character is a gang leader, she is still called Shystie and it’s out on Xbox and PlayStation in September. I’ve done a tune for it as well. It’s the first game where you can do full damage to all the cars, plus you can kit them all up… It’s by the guy who did Tomb Raider and Driver, the game’s big man!”

We’re not arguing with the bitch or her crew.

Download it here (25Mb avi).

Much as we loathe web sites that exist solely for unemployed web designers to show how much they know about using Flash and Photoshop, we can’t help but admire the odd example of web-based image tomfoolery. Reader Kevin O’Connor (who may or may not be an unemployed web designer) made the following interpretation of the new-look Nintendo DS, which he quite rightly humiliates, putting it alongside a make-up device or absorbent pad of some sort.

With Aloe Vera extract.

Ooh, controversial!

We didn’t forget, we are bothered and we will post out the prize. James Garratt sent this and needs to take the considerable risk of sending us his home address — and choice of game from the Dreamcast pile. See how we give things back to the community.

“This year’s winner of the Annual Sunbathe-under-a-sieve & Win a Free Game competition”