In which nasty stupid children and parents blame everything on video games instead of, say, them being morons. It features such amazing lies as “kids don’t go to school any more” and “it’s more damaging than any chemical addiction” – and that’s just in the first 50 seconds!

EMERGENCY LOW-RES BACK-UP
When ITV does find out and makes YouTube take it all down because it’s copyrighted material for which we don’t own the rights or have permission from the owner to use, you can download the full file here. It’s 27MB, so don’t download it just for fun, else our internet will run out. We’re not a cash-burning internet start-up, you know.

Here we go then! We’re not there, but it’s still exciting to imagine.

17.58pm It’s about to start!

18.00pm It’s probably a bit late starting!

18.05pm It’s probably started!

18.08pm Peter Moore is probably saying something about how great a start it’s been for Xbox 360. Maybe he will take a sly sideswipe at PS3, while subtly advocating Nintendo Wii!

18.10pm The crowd is probably getting a bit bored now, and just wishing they’d show a trailer of Halo 3 or DoA Xtreme 2, instead of talking about how many people downloaded Cloning Clyde.

18.18pm If we were there, we’d be hoping some dancing girls dressed like Ulala take to the stage to herald the immediate availability of Space Channel 5 Part 3 on Xbox Live Arcade.

18.25pm At this point in procedings we tend to look down at our dictaphone to see that it has stopped recording. Or we forgot to start it recording in the first place. Oh well, we can always just rewrite everything from Eurogamer tomorrow.

18.32pm At this point we might have summoned up the courage to take a photograph!

18.40pm 40 minutes in, all the girls in the room should have been neatly categorised and given scores out of ten. This is always the most important part of any event.

18.50pm It’s probably about to finish.

18.57pm It’s probably finished! Time to head off to whatever event they have planned and be the most drunk person by miles within 30 minutes.

Phew! That’s that over with for another year.

The PlayStation3 hype rollercoaster has just rolled over the top of the high point and is now crashing downwards at full speed. It’s like 1995 and 1999 all over again. We’ve been here before. All you have to do now is not listen to anything or look at the internet for six months and it will all have passed.

The Tokyo Game Show has just happened. Lots of bad news was said at it. Like when Tecmo said Ninja Gaiden, which is the best game ever even including Sonic The Hedgehog, was going to be on PlayStation3.

Not only is Ninja Gaiden going to PS3, it’s also got playable Rachel in it. This is as disastrous as a plane full of anthrax crashing into your house three minutes before you were scheduled to lose your virginity to Cheryl Tweedy and evil clone Cheryl Tweedy.

Then we saw some more screenshots of Virtua Fighter 5. We thought about saying Wolf’s chest looks a bit lumpy on his right-hand side there, but we’d just be lying to ourselves. This looks amazing, and is therefore as disastrous as going on a long drive and realising you forgot all your CDs but it’s OK as your girlfriend remembered to bring her Snow Patrol B-sides collection.

Then we saw screenshots of Devil May Cry 4. We momentarily laughed because Devil May Cry isn’t as good as Ninja Gaiden and Tecmo said that Ninja Gaiden would NEVER… and so the dark sadness fell again.

Then there was Heavenly Sword. We thought about pointing out that the bloke’s hand is a bit square and his fingers are rubbish, and maybe saying Heavenly Sword has “set video game hands back 15 years” but that would seem like clutching at straws. And we’ve clutched at our straws so much they’re perfectly flat and the plastic has melted together from our angry body heat. They’re not even straws any more, they’re McDonalds tea stirrers now.

At least Gran Turismo “HD” looked awful still. So that was the Tokyo Game Show. A few PS3 games looked OK which is bad, but the plus side is that everyone’s still laughing at Sony for slashing the price of PS3 and changing the spec because it HASN’T GOT A CLUE what it’s doing despite having been doing this for a decade. So it’s kind of OK but not really OK. It’s OK. We’ll be OK. And remember, the press release that’s coming in November and March about PS3 being “the fastest-selling console in history” has already been written, and the reason it sold out is because they only made 12.

THINGS WE’VE BEEN SAYING TO OURSELVES RECENTLY
1. We don’t want to play Metal Gear Solid 4 anyway

2. The Virtua Fighter series peaked with VF3

3. Rachel’s tits aren’t that amazing they’re worth spending 500 quid on rotating a camera around

4. We can’t keep this up for another five years.

Thanks everyone! It was an enjoyable day yesterday, as the reptilian overlords behind Wikipedia battled to retain control of the site’s Lair entry. We particularly enjoyed the subtle addition of the word ‘minge’, which stayed undetected for some six hours.

THE BEST ACTS OF VANDALISM:

“It is rumored, however, the game may support between 0 and 1 players”

“Premium will ship with 30 dragons but the Basic edition will ship with no dragons. One of the main features of the online package will be the option to purchase extra dragons via ‘sonsactions'”

“…a screenshot released shows a man in heavy armour riding a mighty monkey steed”

“Lair is a upcoming game being developed by Factor 5 and published through Sony Computer Entertainment America for the Sony PlayStation 3 video game console. It uses the Wii controller’s tilt functions for movement within the game”

“Lair is a collection of captured images from Sean Connery crap-fest “Dragonheart”. They will be exclusively viewable on Sony’s billion dollar PS3″

The premise of the game revolves around ordering pewter dragons from mail-order companies that advertise in the back of Sunday supplement magazines. The more dragons you order, the bigger your army (the combat phase of gameplay takes place within the impoverished fantasy life of the game’s hirsute protagonist, Simon), although this leads to an increasing chance of you defaulting on your installment plan, and having your kneecaps shattered by a sociopathic bailiff, ‘Bricka'”

“You will need two PS3s, two copies of Lair from the same shop of the same edition (five editions are confirmed), a link cable and two SonyLAIR HDTVs as on all other TVs the graphics are scrambled”

AND THE WINNER:

“…it wants to be a launch title, because dragon games sell”

Scroll through all the edits by reading the article’s history page. As you read, you may like to stay mentally active by pondering WHAT SORT OF PERSON spends all day reloading a Wikipedia entry on an obscure PS3 game to correct minor acts of vandalism?

Not just for having the most Spanish-sounding names you could possibly imagine, but also for spearheading SEGA’s push into Spain – with the opening of a new SEGA office in Madrid.

VIVA (the men in charge of) SEGA ESPAGNA!

Jose is standing in front of Shadow. This means he’s evil, so is probably in advertising or marketing.

Javier is standing in front of Sonic! So he’s the good one, and probably does something useful and popular like handing out the mail or petty cash. This is such a beautiful photo we’ve made it desktop size. Together they are… SEGA SPAIN! Vamos SEGA Espagnol!

“WE ARE ENCHANTED TO ON BOARD GIVE TO THE WELCOME TO JAVIER AND JOSE” (THE PRESS RELEASE FED THROUGH BABELFISH, AS THAT’S BEEN FUNNY SINCE WE FIRST GOT THE INTERNET IN 1995):

SEGA RETURNS To SPAIN

SEGA of Europe announces the opening of their new Spanish office, agreeing with 15 anniversary of Sonic.

SEGA Europe Ltd., today makes the opening public of their new office in Madrid, Spain.

The return of the emblematic Japanese company to our country obeys to the consolidation strategy as one of the main publishers in the new generation of platforms of electronic entertainment adopted by SEGA and supposes a recognition to the growth and potential of the Spanish market.

SEGA of Spain begins their walking with an equipment of Marketing and Communication, headed by Javier Rodriguez – Director of Marketing – and Jose Herráez – PR Manager -. During the stage of implementation of the Japanese company in Spain, including the next campaign navideña, the SEGA titles will continue being distributed by Atari.

“The Spanish market has received great relevance in the last years and it has become one of most important of Europe.” It affirms to Mike Hayes, President and COO of SEGA Europe. “The opening of a seat of SEGA in Spain is a logical step in our strategy of growth and we are enchanted to on board give to the welcome to Javier and Jose.”

Javier Rodriguez, Director of Marketing of SEGA of Spain, affirms. “SEGA is an emblematic mark that has written whole chapters in the history of the videojuegos. SEGA of Spain is born with the ambition to settle down as one of the marks leaders in the new generation of videojuegos. The opening of the Spanish office supposes an exciting challenge and our plans for the future are going to excite and to surprise all the sector of the videojuegos.”

On SEGA® SEGA Europe Ltd.
It is the European division of Japanese the SEGA Corporation, one of the companies leaders in the edition of software of entertainment for consoles, PC and moving bodies. For more information, it visits www.sega-europe.com

The order has already been given for someone to take photos of SEGA Spain’s office. It’s probably a little red brick building with pinatas outside and a dead bull in the car park.

Coronation Street, the rubbish soap opera about the tedious lives of poor people who live in the North of England, featured Sonic The Hedgehog in its episode broadcast on Sunday August 27. They were playing it on PC, so it might have been an illegal ROM.

Although, as someone from SEGA told us this was going to happen about five months ago, it looks like a cleverly worked PR trick. Because even though it’s a laughably bad pantomime of a show, Coronation Street is watched by about 12 million people. Stupid people who can’t afford games consoles and think chips count as vegetables, but it’s still quite a coup.

PLEASE NOTE:
We’re not becoming one of those sites that’s just a list of YouTube videos. Promise. It’s a coincidence. We probably won’t do another one of these for six months now. We’re also quite proud of this one as it required (a) finding the episode, (b) downloading the torrent, (c) editing the relevant chunk out of it, and (d) putting the clip on YouTube. This is the first new technical thing we’ve learned since getting a DVD player in 1999.

They’ll be accused of dumbing down again, but we kind of like it.

SmackDown covers always sell.

A friend of UKR is after a J2ME developer to help with a new mobile project.

If you’re interested, email us and we’ll forward your details in confidence. It’s a serious and proper project that sounds very exciting and will involve being paid, not just doing all your best stuff for free on the internet like an idiot.

Why does everyone with a Google Video game show look disabled? Do they get extra benefits from the government for doing this?

We’ve made a new kind of t-shirt. This one’s red and says “Spiel Macht Frei” on it, which is German for something and sort of accidentally stuck as our logo because we couldn’t think of anything better in English to change it to.

Then it says “UK:Resistance – Not making a difference since 1996” underneath, which is something new we just thought up, seeing as we’ve been doing this for 10 years now.

We got a whole box of them:

You can buy them from our shop. They come in medium, large and extra fat, are red like we said and quite nice.

This is a photo of them taken with the flash. It gives you a better idea of the colour, which is a nice dark red. Not that horrible bright cheap red. Oh no.

Also, to show how much we love throwing money away, we got ten made in a girls size – for girls.

We made this girl ourselves out of a pineapple, a chair and some socks. She’ll keep us company for the winter, then we can eat her in the spring as long as she hasn’t gone rotten.

This is what the logo looks like in close-up. It’s screen-printed so it will last and looks very nice. We used macro mode to take this photo. It’s always a pleasure to work in macro mode!

We couldn’t use the Sonic logo, as that would make SEGA angry with us and we might stop getting sent free games and stickers. Which, to be honest, is the only reason we carry on with this tedious charade any more.

This is a close-up of the neck. If you’re anything like us you might be a bit ‘fussy’ about what the necks are like on your t-shirts. This has a nice neck. We went to the factory before we placed the order and looked specifically for a t-shirt with a nice neck.

They’re sixteen British pounds, which includes packaging, the new really expensive postage that makes big light things (ie, t-shirts) cost twice as much to send out as before, and us writing out envelopes and taking them to the post office which is amazingly tedious and always makes us wish we’d never bloody bothered doing it at all. Get them here, or don’t, then post about how they suck and you hate them in the Comments field and that that you hate red and that we should’ve done a green one with Tails on instead – THEN you might’ve bought one.