30-40 down in Virtua Tennis 3, with a look of resignation on his face. It’s so accurate.

On the plus side, this is the most realistic-looking video game man ever. If you had a Sega Lindbergh in your house it would be like having a friend!

After two months of crying and denial, we got round to playing Beat Down: Fists of Vengance. The strategy of chavving your games up for fun and profit has finally reached Japan and, as you could probably predict, has come out like a kitten that’s shat itself on your bed. It’s adorable, but it’s still disgusting and has to be shut in the fridge until it learns.

Join “A Street Fighting Man Raven,” “Clever Fighter Aaron” and the inevitable six foot black guy “JASON G” as they struggle to defeat Chester, Wallace, Fatima, Eugene and Ignacy. It’s like when you were sixteen and too embarassed to show your friends Final Fantasy because the main character was called Cecil, all over again.

Capcom’s biggest secret weapon for making the game feel “Street” and “Cred” and “A lot of other things in quote marks to denote that we’re making a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle while saying it” is the incessant repetition of the phrase “WE ARE ON THE BLACK LIST” which is clearly the “Street”-est thing anyone in Tokyo has ever heard.

Sorry, Japan. You do not have gangs like America has gangs. You do not even have gangs like Walton on the Naze has gangs. Please leave this nonsense to EA and Rockstar and go back to making happy games about hedgehogs and mice and mushrooms and rape and destroying the world with a giant beachball.

Afterburner Climax is why we will ALWAYS love Sega. The sky is SONIC BLUE, the sea is SONIC BLUE, the sun is SUPERSONIC YELLOW and it all looks like a memory of being on a happy childhood holiday.

Look! It’s a postcard from daddy saying he loves us and is coming home!

Or it’s actually the staggeringly hot Afterburner Climax and we’re going to go mad about until it comes out, and then probably for quite some time afterwards, too.

We have just climaxed…

…all over Wolf’s buff stomach. These are Sega’s new arcade machines and our only hope. Three cheers for games with blue skies that aren’t about being in a fucking gang.

And if you don’t know what that means, close the curtains, take your trousers off and put it into Google image search.

If only all women were kept in clean plastic boxes for us to take out when we need them.

MORE SILENT HILL MOVIE PICS HERE, NONE OF WHICH ARE EVEN THE SLIGHTEST BIT POSSIBLE TO WANK OVER:
http://www.silenthillresorts.com/gallery/folder/Movie%20Stills

Only ONE MONTH AND THIRTY ONE DAYS TO GO! And a year. (Source: Gamestats.com)

Bollocks to it. We’ve waited this long. Another year won’t hurt, even if we have to spend it knelt on the floor gazing upwards with longing anticipation like a beautiful young girl, and Sega are a creepy 30-something man with a slight beer gut standing on the kitchen stool preparing to fling string over us (with our mouth open and hand held out so we can catch as much as possible to rub into our tits).

NO! Not her! We were only making a harmless analogy! She’s pure and innocent and would never do anything like that. Never. She’d only even CONSIDER it if was like a really good friend that she knew she could rely on and trust and would never leave her because they’d sent her pictures of their Nintendogs and the bus they used to take to work before the council sold out to Firstbus and they cancelled the service.

oh god richard it could have been so special why have you driven us into HER arms like this

We’re really against pornography and the objectification of women, ESPECIALLY when they’re served up naked on Sony’s PSP UMD format so we can wank over them in the airing cupboard. It gets us angry just thinking about sexy women parading around naked for our pleasure! Curse this sexist, male-dominated industry :(

However, we feel it’s our duty to report on the UK’s first PSP porn UMD “Desperately Sexy Housewives”. Let’s hope no women get degraded in it. That would be terrible.

It arrived in discrete plain brown wrapping. This is good, because it means the only woman we ever speak to from the flat next door still doesn’t suspect we spend all day in the house alone watching porn.

The bad news: it’s certificate 18 UK porn. If you know anything about porn (duh!) you’ll know that certificate 18 UK porn isn’t very good. Especially not when you’ve had proper internet porn for a decade.

Is there a typo on the back of the box? Of course there’s a typo on the back of the box! Everything from small, independent companies always has typos on the back of the box, because there’s never enough people working at them who know about English to check stuff properly.

“This is the erotic tale of four sexy housewives whose coffee mornings turn into torrid swinging sessions as they indulge each other with their favourite sexual fantasies” it says — WOW! We’re going to have to plug in the PSP’s mains adaptor, because it’s going to be a fun evening.

We didn’t know who Marilyn Starr was, so we looked her up. Now we’re very familiar with her, and particularly familiar with her stretched-out and tatty old mimsy.

Ooh, yeah, Dave’s great, and was the star of our all-time favourite porn movie — Boy Scout Sleepover in Wookey Hole.

It’s nice that even new porn made in 2005 stays true to porn heritage by presenting everything as if it’s still 1974.

THE PLOT: First up is some kind of intro sequence where all the women “actresses” try to act like they haven’t just smoked loads of crack backstage. Then they pretend to be gossiping women, like the real Desperate Housewives. Then they go and watch TV.

She’s reaching for the remote control. Amazingly, this shot is as sexy as it gets.

There now follows a 35-minute sequence where the women try to work out which channel is the AV channel and then why there’s no sound. It’s a massive challenge to maintain an erection through this bit.

Then the women all start watching… PORNOGRAPHY!

Only it’s rubbish certificate 18 UK porn, which means you don’t get to see anything.

Look! This is all you get to see in British porn when a man gets a blow job. It’s shit. She might have a Snickers in there and we’d never know.

And here’s the back of her head from another angle. At this point our penis is as shrivelled and useless as an acorn that’s been at the bottom of a swimming pool for 18 hours.

He seems to be enjoying himself, but that’s because he can fucking SEE!

“Mr Worf! Deanna! Get back to your stations!”

Meanwhile, the housewives are watching all this and taking it very seriously. The sexual tension seems to be building up quite nicely in their lounge.

They get so hot watching Worf and the back of that woman’s head that they all pair off and lez up. Underwater porn is never sexy.

Anyway, this carries on for ages more and you never get to see anything. It’s rubbish, both in terms of plot and character development, and also the more important aspect of SEEING THINGS GO INTO OTHER THINGS. PSP porn has failed us. 1/10.

COMPETITION
Win this un-soiled copy of Desperately Sexy Housewives for PSP!

Email in telling us your favourite sexual fantasy. The one we like best (the most disturbing one with the highest prostitute death count or the one with the most stuff going up Cream The Rabbit’s arse) wins the PSP porn. If we get lots of good ones, we’ll do an update called “READER’S SEXUAL FANTASIES”. Anonymous, of course.

There is no cash alternative. The only alternative is if no one enters, in which case we keep it.

Last week we had a dream that George W. Bush gave out a Jack Thompson-like challenge stating he would pay ten thousand dollars to whatever group of bedroom programmers made a game about America attacking whatever country he liked the sound of next. And when we woke up, our pillow had gone!

Meet Kuma Reality Products, the company that specialise in making crappy modules based on news stories for their crappy (free) first person shooter. Juding by this CNN headline, thought, things are getting a bit close to the knuckle.

All this trouble must be because of how hardcore they are. Look, they’ve even spelled their name with a backslash. That must be why OUR TROOPS PLAY KUMA GAMES!

“This game actually makes me flash back and think about the war and the aftermath….But that’s not necessarily bad. Being that I will be going back to Iraq for a 3RD tour, I’ll say that it’s much better fighting from my PC behind a desk then actually slinging lead at each other.”

SGT from HHC 1/64 Armor,
3rd Infantry Division(M)

It’s as if the person writing this is just NEARLY intelligent enough to realise that the sensible solution to his quandry is to PLAY VIDEO GAMES INSTEAD OF JOINING THE BASTARD IDIOT ARMY, but not quite.

We feel bad making fun of them, though, because “Kuma family member Silent Killer Z” is in critical condition in Iraq after being shot by a person with a gun that fired real bullets.

IT’S BEING WRITTEN BY ALEX GARLAND

Good or bad thing? Good = he wrote 28 Days Later. Bad = he wrote the novel which inspired the Leonardo DiCaprio date-movie-from-hell The Beach.

IT MIGHT MIGHT OH YES HE IS OH NO HE ISN’T BE DIRECTED BY RIDLEY SCOTT

It’s rumoured that Scott has seen the screenplay and told them to piss off. It’s further rumoured that the project was to be pulled unless Scott would do it. Now it’s going ahead. By the ancient laws of internet forum logic, there is only one POSSIBLE conclusion. (They’re giving it to Uwe Boll.)

WILL MARIA BE ATTENDING THE PREMIER?

She looks a bit preoccupied at the moment.

AND WHAT DOES HARRY KNOWLES HAVE TO SAY ABOUT ALL OF THIS?

That he imagines it as a cross between the darkest elements of Alien and Black Hawk Down, and that he wants a Twix.

Looks like all those big long press releases about women in gaming has really paid off!

Now women can pretend to be gamers by doing whatever it is women do in an exciting new world of gang warfare, dating and rap music. Plus, in this game it won’t matter that they can’t drive anywhere without running into something.

We could only get one screenshot because it crashes right after you start it. Probably because it was made by women.

This is a great day for equal opportunity in gaming!