It’s like when we used to bother with the funny drawings.

Can someone please write about 1000 words on the “Best Games of 2007” and email it in next, so we don’t have to bother doing that either.

Are you a bit confused about what a PS3 is actually FOR? We don’t blame you, it’s nothing like a traditional games machine – because it hasn’t got any games.

Here’s how Sony is trying to convince people to buy PS3. They’re saying it’s also an MP3 player and CD player and DVD player, plus you can put photos on it and use it like a big, ugly memory stick. Clearly some sort of apology is in order from all those that criticised this wonder-machine!

We have no idea where Sony’s buying its DVD player from – ASDA’s got loads for 15 quid. Oh wait, it’s probably buying an over-priced Sony one.

WHAT YOU WILL ALSO NEED FOR YOUR PS3:

Optional Wii adaptor to play games (RRP £1,000,000)

Optional Xbox 360 adaptor to play games months/years earlier

Vibrating controllers (expected Spring 2008)

Patience

UPDATE!
A man called Chris made this. He almost certainly used something a bit more advanced than Paint.

The one for Wii will be a Wii beside a dusty copy of Zelda.

REVENGE IS SWEET! Remember all those shitty PlayStation ports we had to put up with on the Saturn? PAYBACK TIME IS NOW, thanks to PS3 getting a piss-poor and delayed version of The Orange Box crudely forced out in time to ruin Christmas for anyone that gets given it.

From IGN‘s review of The Orange Box on PS3:

It’s a jerky mess, basically. Because PS3 suffers from the double shame of being rubbish AND hard to make games for. Hopefully nobody will buy this EA-produced mess – it will teach EA to not support the Dreamcast.

OTHER GAMES THAT ARE SIGNIFICANTLY WORSE ON PS3
Here’s a list we’ve been working on, just in case you know anyone stupid enough to be contemplating buying a PS3 for Christmas.

Assassin’s Creed – “…a mocking shadow of the Xbox 360 version“

Pro Evo 2008 – “Konami Digital Entertainment is aware that some players of PES2008 are experiencing ‘stuttering’ by their machine when playing on PS3“

The Orange Box – “The 360 version takes about three seconds to load your last checkpoint if you die. The PS3 version takes seventeen“

Splinter Cell: DA – “…even though the game is belittled so dramatically from a visual perspective, it still manages to run at a lower frame rate than the Xbox 360 version“

And so on.

In reverse order of STAGGERING SHAMELESSNESS we have:

Overclovers UK, generously chucking out a standard £179 Wii for £328.99 to make many a child’s dream come true this Christmas – a dream that will be cruelly SHATTERED when daddy gets put in prison by the credit card company early next year.

Then there’s quite a leap to this man. You have to respect him for trying, but suggesting you buy a Wii for £30,000 so you can “get in the papers” as the country’s biggest idiot is PURE GOLD. At least he’s not overcharging for postage – at only £1 he’s making a loss on that.

And the winner! An Irish man selling a Wii for £1,000,000 on Buy It Now, or a much more reasonable £60,000 if you can wait and don’t have to have it immediately. He is also using the “get in the papers” angle.

SOME OTHER ARSEHOLE:

£14,999 with half of that going to charity. The other half is going to a man in exchange for him posting you a Wii. At least he’s not charging extra for postage.

Sports Pack? You mean a Wii and Wii Sports, the game all Wiis come with in the box for free for £179? But being sold for a massive profit by some shady web retailer?

This is making us incandescent with rage – and we couldn’t give a toss about Wii. Imagine how bad some poor dad must be feeling, under pressure to deliver a Wii this Christmas, faced with this sort of shameful rip-off everywhere he turns. It’s enough to trigger a festive suicide.

They’re feeling bad about it. But are STILL DOING IT.

Contractual obligations require us to also do the whole words/picture/caption thing on several other “feeds” across the internet. Here are a few of the least low lowlights from the past week.

This thing about Ninja Gaiden 2, because it’s the only game keeping us alive with hope right now.

This thing about an idea for an exciting new way to waste everyone’s time that MTV had.

This thing about FIFA Street 3 of all things.

This thing about the Xbox Live Video Store, because it’s easiest writing about things you already sort of know about.

This thing about Korean ladies displaying a bus, because you can’t not use pictures like this when they come along:

A must try harder C+.

Problem is, five of those 84 games are the individual events from Wii Sports, nine are Wii Play and 70 are the mini games from Mario Party 8. If you’re going to do this, you may as well list the individual components that make up each Wii to further boost its perceived eBay worth.

We really didn’t want to get in a crazed WAR ON EBAY over all this business, but some of the shit going down over there deserves carpet bombing.

The biggest lie of all. Everyone knows that Wiis get played until the remote batteries go flat three days later, then get put in the cupboard under the stairs for the next person who lives in your house to throw away.

When the people of the Czech Republic talk about video games consoles, they don’t blurt out “PlayStation” or “Nintendo” like it’s still the early 1990s – they go for DREAMCAST!

HELLO FROM CZECH REPUBLIC: “Hello from Czech republic. I like to read UKR so I decided to send you pics from book I found in niece’s hands. It shows many common life things include electronics in form of drawn pictures. The author of book had to be very distinguished as Dreamcast was choosed as example of true video game system (and not the Sony crap) which should be recognized by kids – Eso Rimmer.”

Sadly they also like Macs.

A man has 20 envelopes. He is eBaying them one by one. One of the envelopes contains a piece of paper with “Wii” written on it. If you get that envelope he will send you a Wii.

He won’t just lie about it and have your money, he WILL send you a Wii. A man’s eBay word is the strongest promise in the world.

Once again we find ourselves sobbing over the depravity of mankind. And it isn’t even lunch time.

It’s a Russian face mask from the 1950s, which reader “Shaun” found and suggested we do something with as, at a very long stretch, it could be said to be a small amount like Sonic The Hedgehog.

It’s a blue hedgehog mask. It’s on eBay at the moment. If you had the time and motivation, you could claim this was the original inspiration for Sonic.