Blood everywhere! The blood of the arrogant! PlayStation3 had the biggest hammering of its entirely hammering-based lifetime last month, as Xbox 360 and Wii both outsold the overpriced HD shitbox by FOUR TIMES.

Even if the magical price cut and introduction of an even worse version of the hardware boosts sales by, say, 178 percent, it’ll still be LAST BY A FUCKING MILE. JOY OF JOYS! TYRANNY HAS ENDED!

AMERICAN HARDWARE SALES FIGURES FOR SEPTEMBER 2007

360: 527,000
Wii: 501,000
DS: 495,000
PSP: 284,000
PS2: 215,000
PS3: 119,000
GBA: 75,000

Sony will finish in third place this console generation, beaten by a PC that breaks all the time and a child’s toy. The mighty have fallen – TO DEATH!

Ulala in a tennis costume. Ulala playing Sonic. Developed by Sumo Digital. Not only coming to Wii. We are deliberately not using any exclamation marks here as we’d just get carried away. And we’re saving them for the screenshot of Ulala.

Sky. Grass. SEGA. It is the summer of 1992 again!

A 3D Sonic we actually don’t mind.

Ulala!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She’ll be at a significant disadvantage wearing those shoes.

No famous old brand left untouched.

Please god let there be a very adjustable camera angle for surveying all of Ulala’s very lovely parts.

BEFORE YOUR VERY EYES!

SEGA LEGENDS SET TO SERVE UP AN ACE IN THE WACKY SEGA SUPERSTARS(tm) TENNIS!

LONDON & SAN FRANCISCO (Oct 18, 2007) – SEGA Europe Ltd. and SEGA of America, Inc. today announced SEGA Superstars(tm) Tennis, a game that brings together some of the most treasured and well known characters from the SEGA universe, in some of the most unusual courts and outrageous settings ever imagined. Developed by Sumo Digital Ltd., SEGA Superstars Tennis will be released on the Sony PlayStation(r) 3 computer entertainment system, Sony PlayStation 2, the Xbox 360(tm) video game and entertainment system from Microsoft, and Nintendo Wii and DS, all hitting shelves early in 2008.

SEGA Superstars Tennis has over 15 playable SEGA idols including Sonic the Hedgehog, AiAi from Super Monkeyball fame, Ulala of Space Channel 5 and Amigo from Samba De Amigo. In addition to their own unique attributes, each character will also come equipped with their own superstar tennis skills, putting a whole new spin on each match played!

Exhibition mode offers the chance to challenge Sonic, or the character or your choice, to a match on one of many courts, including Sonic’s home court of Green Hill Zone, or Amigo’s Carnival Park court. Wherever you play there will be a host of SEGA celebrities cheering you on from courtside and by partaking in crazy doubles matches with your choice of partner, you could end up playing against some pretty unusual couples! Prove your SEGA hero is the shining star of SEGA Superstars Tennis by collecting silverware in the Tournament Mode. There will also be the opportunity to unlock a host of exciting extras which will be announced in the near future!

Complementing the Exhibition and Tournament modes, there will also be new and innovative ways of enjoying some of SEGA’s classic titles, plus platform exclusive ways to play the game, including online modes for X360 and PS3 versions!

“SEGA Superstars Tennis has the potential to be one of the most fun and accessible sports games ever.” commented Gary Knight, European Marketing Director. “The fantastic Sumo Digital team has had access to a wealth of SEGA IP and you’ll be surprised at the gaming icons that will be making an appearance!”

Available on the Sony PlayStation(r) 3 computer entertainment system, Sony PlayStation 2, the Xbox 360(tm) video game and entertainment system from Microsoft, and Nintendo Wii and DS, SEGA Superstars Tennis will release in early 2008.

This one really is the greatest. All those other ones we’ve done are now considered rubbish in hindsight. This is the Mona Lisa of Sonic art. Look into the eyes of those poor bunnies and feel their pain and anguish at the destruction of their beautiful world. The tears are coming again. The tears never really stopped.

SONIC DESKTOP #5: “YOU CAN’T STOP ME THIS TIME, SONIC!”

Beautiful! Best so far. Again, we can only apologise on behalf of SEGA Japan for the unfortunate ‘portrait’ orientation of the original material. They just didn’t plan ahead to the time, 15 years later, when their suffering fans would want to put this shit on their widescreen monitors.

And as has become traditional, someone took the last one and made it a bit better. He’s rounded off and extended the claws. It is apparently “inspired by the cover art for the album ‘Virgin Killer’ by The Scorpions.”

And we got this one from “Chris”. Seems a bit mean, but that’s the internet for you. He said he bought a t-shirt from us so we sort of have to use it.

PREVIOUSLY, ON GREATEST SONIC DESKTOPS:

“SAFE LANDING FROM ROBO CHAOS ZONE!“

“UNDERWATER CRISIS!“

“I’M COMING TO GET YA!“

“MUST… KILL… SONIC THE HEDGEHOG!“

And he also has some very cheap tracksuit trousers. And he looks like he’s on day release from some sort of special safe house for special people. If you are currently wearing any sort of video game merchandise, take it off and burn it in the garden now. Because this is what you look like.

EYE WITNESS: “I followed this man through the Wellington TranzMetro service here in New Zealand in order to get a shot of his fantabulous backpack. It took me a while to get it because I was also photographing ladies’ breasts in order to balance out my sexuality quotient for stalking a man and taking a “candid” shot of him. I hope he wears his socks like that in order to look like the white bands around Sonic’s ankles. I later spotted him and his friend looking at red shoes in a shoe shop. I dream that he will later be seeing running around Wellington waterfront with blue hair streaking in the wind – Chris.”

Emily is (predictably) working for Nuts TV. Here she is doing things to a robot .

So, PS3 sales are up 178%. Amazing. Except that when you start being given percentage figures instead of actual sales figures you know someone is trying to hide something. You see, in the previous week PS3 only sold a measley 6700 machines. 20,000 less than the 360, so despite the increase it is still falling short by a long measure, shifting only about 18000 units. What’s worse for Sony, is that nearly 90% of those sales were for the soon-to-be-discontinued 60GB backwards-compatible version. That is REALLY bad news for the senior executive that thought the public would want to buy a Chavtastic Gimped machine. In summary, PS3 = Fucked. Move along now.

Japan. Land of the humorous mistranslation. These photos come from the SegaWorld in Koriyama, Japan, where a sensationally poor collection of Sonic The hedgehog poetry adorns the walls. In the legendary writings, Tails is referred to as “spunkiest” – yet more evidence of his much-rumoured homosexuality.

“I’m sending you a few extra pics to give it some context… Like the crap picture I took of the outside of it by day – the reason the picture is so shit is because I’m on a bike and there’s a motorway in between me and SegaWorld and I’m not sure if I’ll be capable of getting any closer than this.”

“Thankfully, I do, and what a place it is! There’s lots of UFO Catchers full of Stitch. My pride tells me that this shouldn’t really be allowed in a Sega establishment, but something else catches my eye…”

“Amazing Sonic poetry. Complete with spelling mistakes.”

“And there’s more – Tails’ own tribute seems to have been censored by the light fitting.”

“Amy’s tribute was actually quite enlightening, since as far as I know, she was only in Sonic CD which I never played. Now at least, I know she’s a ‘togh cookie’.”

“As for the rest of the ‘World’, it mostly contained Virtua Fighter 5 cabs, an old Jurassic Park, a beautiful selection of 40p-per-play Afterburner Climax cabs and a ‘Let’s go Jungle’ cab which was surprisingly decent although one of the fire buttons was a bit broken. There was also some sort of weird Fantasy Zone game that involved shooting things on a carousel, which pleased the SEGA fan in me, but evidently not enough to make me play it.”

“The upstairs, predictably enough, was all pachinko machines and horse racing simulators that you could gamble on.”

“As I left, I went into the used book store next door and bought some used Dreamcast games. And then had a burger.”

“All in all, a reasonably good day. 7/10 – Tom.”

Sonic The HORRIFIC MUTANT CAT spotted in a Chinese shop by vigilant reader. SEGA needs to get a crack legal hit squad out to China, it’s losing billions out there every day.

FROM THIS MAN: “I recently visited a friend in China when I spotted this distressingly familiar ‘cat’ in a department store, inexplicably facing the shoe section. The harrowing expression on the nearby mannequin’s face was pretty much akin to my own – Tom.”

“PS: I have some photos of ‘Sonic poetry’ which adorned the walls of a SegaWorld in Japan, if you’d be interested.”

ARE WE INTERESTED IN SONIC POETRY?
Shit yes.

This one is the best yet, as Sony Europe’s Ray Maguire amazingly manages to combine the words “thought out” and “plan” to describe the mass global confusion Sony has created around its Blu-elephant PlayStation3.

“This is all part of a very carefully thought-out plan”
– Ray Maguire, SCEE, today.

Exclusive images of the new, redesigned Phil Maguire and Ray Harrison supplied by “bored” reader Dan.

Only the problems with this are: (1) It’s a Nintendo game. (2) It’s a Wii game. (3) It’ll be another rubbish, hobbled version of Sonic that appears in it, because as we all know, the REAL Sonic would drill Mario’s fat arse into the ground in half a second, then smash his mushroom-faced fuckbuddies into a billion pieces in the next half a second.

Then he would fly off with Tails on a little red aeroplane, laughing about it, off home to see Cream, who’s very excited to see him and eager to hear his tales of victory (insert 500 words of erotic fan fiction).

This is NONSENSE. We clearly remember the end movie of Sonic CD, where Sonic had the ability to spin SO FAST he could smash robotic enemies in HALF. Mario’s fleshy belly would be spread to the four winds in a flash if this was the real Sonic and not some cross-promotional marketing-lead imposter.