Real-time feminine sweat mapping:

A screenshot of wet tits is worth a 1000 words. And is worth 10,000 screenshots and words about Resistance: Fall of Man.

Stick this up your manual, Need for Speed:

If you can’t handle this sort of thing, buy a Wii and sit down at the back of the room with the fat kids, the elderly and the disabled.

In a hilarious ironic twist, we’re going to copy something from Kotaku today.

Specifically this update, in which lots of Americans say how many unsold PlayStation3s their local retail warehouses have.

LITERALLY 500 BILLION OF THEM
It’s happy reading time! Here are some quotes.

“The guy at Gamestop said that they have had PS3s all week that he could not get rid of”

“My local Best Buy has a nicely made-up, color, semi-permanent-looking sign on the door stating that they do not have any Wiis in stock. I got to the game section and they had a pile of at least 20 PS3s sitting on the floor”

“Went to pick up an extra Wiimote and a game and found the entire Nintendo section wiped out. Saw about 15 PS3s just sitting there though, no one even in the section”

“I have seen PS3s in stock at 6 different stores in the last 4 days in Northeast PA. 2 Walmarts, 1 Target, 2 Eb games, 1 Gamestop. Most of them had several and they were mostly 60Gb. Its very odd, but I know i don’t want one”

“Best Buy in Barboursville, WV had 33 60GB PS3’s at 1:30 yesterday. They opened an hour early to hand out tickets and no one was there. They had sold one from the time they opened till I was there”

“I work at a Target and we got 14 60gbs in on Saturday morning. The last one finally sold this afternoon. To put that in perspective, our Wii shipments which range from 20-100, they sell out in a matter of hours (if they last that long)”

“My Best Buy store (St. Louis) held 40 PS3s — all 60 GBs — for Sunday’s ad. We sold a total of seven — yes, seven — the whole day, and one of them was later returned. Today we sold three or four the whole day”

CONCLUSION:
We were right all along and Sony is shit and doomed. It’s just taken people a bit longer to cotton on than we thought. We should now Photoshop together some sort of amusing image illustrating how just doomed Sony is. Perhaps putting “Sony” on a picture of the Titanic might be a good start.

Not that we can be bothered.

A BONUS SOMETHING ELSE WE COPIED FROM SOMEWHERE ELSE:
The amazing Sonic Xbox 360 load time YouTube clip:

We took some photos of a SEGA Park too! Unfortunately it (a) was in London and (b) had been turned into a newsagent.

Someone sent us a photo of a SEGA Park sign they spotted on a London street. The sign was above a rubbish shop selling postcards and bottles of water to tourists for twice what you’d pay elsewhere. The angle of the photo suggested there might be a Sega Park and Casino to the left of the shot. We emailed back, asking what was to the left of the photo…

It’s a pub. We then decided to go and investigate for ourselves, seeing as it’s only round the corner from where we sit in an office and press F5 all day.

Here, in fact.

It doesn’t look like it was a very big SEGA Park and Casino. Perhaps that’s why it closed.

There is no sign of a SEGA Park and Casino above the sign.

There is no sign of a secret entrance in the street, either.

It’s blue though, and you can tell that the marble sides would’ve made a very grand entrance into the old SEGA Park. Imagine walking through those pillars into a world of SEGA fun!

To the right is a trendy ‘eatery’ where businessmen are having lunch. Probably a ciabatta, toasted, with an expresso and a beer. They are discussing the ways in which they’d like to have sex with the receptionist.

To the left is another trendy ‘eatery’ where businessmen are eating gastro pub food. Probably Thai, with a bottle of Kronenbourg. They are discussing salaries without actually telling each other what they earn.

Just to satisfy your curiosity.

Here’s another one of the logo. This is like that bit in Planet of the Apes where Charlton Heston sees a happy thing he remembers, but then it turns out to mean something bad has happened. The bad thing that happened in this case is that another ex-SEGA facility has been turned into something that isn’t about playing Daytona USA any more. The bastards.

It looks in good condition. Maybe one day we’ll summon up the courage to go in and ask the owner if we can have it for fifty quid and his help in taking it down.

They can then re-invest the money in some new signage.

So yes, everyone’s been to Japan and taken photos of lots of SEGA Worlds. Well done you and your three grand holidays. Here are some of your Japan snaps, including, incredibly, one of some cosplaying girls a reader claims to have “chatted up”.

#1: A PHOTO OF DOBUITA STREET FROM SHENMUE

“Here’s something I’ll regret sending to you, although I at least had the good grace and sense to Paint Shop Pro Ryo over my pasty white torso. This is a photo of Dobuita Street from SHENMUE. Taken at 1600×1200 as that’s the only sane resolution to take pics at. Although, if my pics from 8 years ago are anything to go by, I used to say that about pics taken in 640×480 and they look shit and are blocky and low detail now. Anyway. Tom’s hotdog stand would be about opposite that Yakuza wagon that’s just about to disappear me. That silver bag contains a Yokosuka jacket that I haven’t worn once as it has dragons and shit on it and makes me look like some kind of gang member and has hung in my lovely wardrobe ever since.

“No pics of Akihabara as the SHAME of even being present there means it’s strictly a brisk walk down the street with head DOWN until it’s time to duck into one of the 2nd hand game shops to update your list to see who’s selling what game for 100 yen less than the other guys. Stopping to take a photo would involve so many eyes being rolled at you that even the Japs that camp outside gaming stores for three days to catch a glimpse of some idol or other would look down at you in pity and disgust. So no way. I don’t know how the other guy managed it. Must have been Nyarth. Or an American. I do have some school girl pics but she’s six and no I’d probably better not.

#2: A PHOTO OF A SEGA CRANE MACHINE IN KAWAGUCHIKO

“I know it’s not a Sega World but it:

“It was in Kawaguchiko – yet another crane machine but this time someone has dared to put Disney crap inside it. Played a nice selection of Sonic themes though. Couldn’t be bothered to film it in action, so just put the camera on the bench – it was too hot to piss about.”

We nearly didn’t use this photo as the photographer seems to be wearing cropped trousers and a sleeveless t-shirt, as is clearly visible in the reflection:

However, the original photo’s a WHOPPING 2448 x 3264 pixels in resolution, so we pretty much had to use it seeing as it stopped the Hotmail servers responding to all of Europe for the two hours it took to download.

He did indeed attach a sort-of-movie in which you can hear the machine playing a decent rendition of the Starlight Zone theme. This is top quality reader interaction, especially over the festive holiday period when people usually don’t give a shit.

#3 A LOAD MORE FROM SIMON ‘777’ STALLWOOD

Simon went to Japan in January of 2002. He embarrassingly didn’t have a digital camera in 2002, so these are primitive ‘scans’ of the photographic plates he made of his trip:

“It’s the same arcade in Electric city near the subway entrance that everyone likes to take pictures of, but from a different angle!“

“The famous Sega Joypolis, there were pictures on the Saturn game “Sonic Jam” of Sonic and Tails near this building. The Joypolis is located on Decks Beach in real life. This is coming up to the entrance in the photo.”

“When I came to the Joypolis early one morning, it was shut so I took a walk round part of the beach. This picture shows the Joypolis from the other side of the beach.”

“This is the front of the Joypolis guide book.”

“While in Electric City (near Club Sega) a nice Japanese women gave me this flyer. I don’t believe there is a real place called Sonic Cafe, I bet it’s just some web site somewhere, but it’s nice to imagine.”

“It’s the other side of the flyer.”

“Leaving the Joypolis, and its time to cool down. What better way then beer/spirit/sake/cigarette vending machines out in the street!“

#4 SEGA GIGO, AKIHABARA

“Really good as they had all the arcade versions of Virtual On you could ever imagine. Which was obviously great.“

#5 CLUB SEGA AND SOME GIRLS!

Our fifth entrant, and the obvious winner, sent us one very boring photo of Club SEGA from far away, plus two photos of girls he claims to have spoken to and stood quite near with their implied consent.

Happy holidays. Come back tomorrow when we’ll have what will be 2007’s most boring update about the time we went to find a closed SEGA World in London that had been turned into a newsagent. All you could see was the old sign. We took 100 photos of it. It’s boring, but relevant.

A rival SEGA arcade photographer has risen to yesterday’s not-challenge pictorial update and sent us a stupidly high-resolution (2304 x 3072!) photo of the Tokyo Akihabara Club SEGA.

He says: “By the way, the Sega World in Nara was rubbish. The ground level was only crane machines and the upper level was pachinko. And some strange shooter where you had to pay money for each bullet“.

Seeing as all our readers seem to have been to Japan at some point or another, this probably isn’t news to most of you. You probably all have similar photos, in among your pictures of boring temples you thought you should waste a day going to see and those stupid trees with flowers on they have over there. And one you took of your dinner one night. And a train. And a blurry one of some schoolgirls you tried to take without anyone seeing.

Has anyone else got any photos of Japanese SEGA Worlds? Or, more importantly, a camera that can take photos in a higher resolution than 2304 x 3072? What we’d really like is an email containing both, plus a criticism of the Akihabara Club SEGA for balance. Or just 125 pics of schoolgirls as it’s Christmas.

This is a simple pictorial update for people who are in diabetic comas from over-exposure to Cadbury Celebrations, and can now only manage to disinterestedly observe colourful images projected in front of their faces:

Nice, but we get irrationally angry at seeing the photos today’s cameras output. There’s just no need for a photo to be 2288 x 1712 pixels big. Not even in porn.

And it is Animal Crossing Wild World. Any web sites that do a top 20 or a top 50 are just going through the motions. There’s not even any point doing a top ten or a top five. The other nine or four would be meaningless filler. We could pretend we like some other shit half as much as DS Animal Crossing, but you’d be able to tell. And we’ve been through too much together to start lying to each other now.

We were playing Animal Crossing when other people started playing it. We were playing it when those people then stopped playing it a few weeks later after not seeing what the fuss was about.

We were still playing it when those people started playing it again to see if they could work out why we were still playing it after a year.

We played it this morning and will play it again this evening. For reasons to do with turnips you probably won’t understand. We have played it every day since last December – apart from, maybe, three or four days. That’s not a stupid internet exaggeration either – you don’t get an insect collection of this magnitude by only playing for a couple of minutes every now and again.

These are some of the hybrid flowers we have bred in the last year. This is just the tip of the iceberg.

This is a bit more of the iceberg, but still only the top part of it. We have THAT MANY hybrid flowers. This is not gay because it’s only in a video game. Video games are not gay. Even ones that involve breeding and caring for flowers.

This is how much money we have in the bank. In Animal Crossing we are independently wealthy.

That’s why gold-digging sluts like Marina live in our low-carbon-emitting super-town.

This is the main room of our massive house, or the Bridge as we call it. We have put on our Wesley Crusher uniform to show it off to its fullest potential. See that photo of KK Slider? You have to do the gaming equivalent of crawling 500 miles on broken glass using only your eyelid muscles to get that.

And there’s still loads to do, even after a year. We haven’t even seen let alone shot down Postman Pete thanks to his stupid anti-social working hours. We only have one of Gulliver’s UFO items, the Modern furniture series is far from complete, and we’re only half-way to Platinum membership of Tom Nook’s Reward Scheme.

This is when the flying saucer crashed in our town. It was such an amazing event we had to take a photo of the screen. When has a game ever been so amazing you’ve had to take a photo of the screen to keep as a memento? NEVER BEFORE, that’s when.

And Katie still hasn’t sent us the Lovely Phone to put in the Lovely Room.

You know you’re special when you get RARE ALTERNATE DIALOGUE sequences with one of the major characters.

We’d prefer it to contain a few more moments of double entendre, but there are still just about enough to make it worth ‘following through’ with.

This is how to make a snowman. This is mainly for our reference so that next year we can start off properly without the tiresome learning process of working out what size the balls need to be.

See? He loves it.

It’s nice that he’s a misogynistic snowman. We know full well that the snowmen come alive when the game is turned off and start harassing the female town inhabitants.

Got all those.

Got all those.

Got loads of these.

We left these acorns on the floor as a reminder of the good times had by all during the October Acorn Festival. Roll on October 2007!

Come back next year. We’ll still be playing it. It’s that good. And if you don’t get it you can bugger off back to playing games about men shouting “HOLY SHIT” and shooting machine guns at each other with all the other 14-year-old morons.

The problem with giving Animal Crossing Wild World a number out of ten and placing it in the all-time lists is this – it’s not much of a game. It doesn’t test your skills. It’s not like playing Quake III at the absolute limits of your gaming skills for hours on end. It’s not like mastering Gradius V. It’s not like getting to the last boss of Raiden on one credit or completing Hellfire using a third-party controller.

It’s more like keeping a diary, or remembering to have breakfast.

Animal Crossing is just a simple little thing you have and do every day. It’s like your kettle. It’s not as exciting as your new LCD TV or your Sky+ box. It’s simple, but you’d be fucked without it.

Animal Crossing Wild World: “Simple, but you’d be fucked without it” – 10/10, UK:Resistance Game of the Year By A Mile. Here’s a review we wrote of it at the time and never got around to uploading.

A FREE PUBLIC SERVICE REVIEW OF ANIMAL CROSSING WILD WORLD FOR NINTENDO DS
This is a public service review. We don’t often write reviews on the site for free, because they’re a lot of words and a bit of a chore and then everyone disagrees with everything you say and calls you a cunt afterwards. But sometimes you have to tell people about a game because it’s so great. Writing about good games for free is more fun than writing about shit games for money (not actually true, but sounds nice). This is one of those important times!

ANIMAL CROSSING WILD WORLD REVIEW
For Nintendo DS

Animal Crossing isn’t a game. It’s a career. A vocation, a mini alternative life. You could educate a child with it and it would turn out OK. It teaches you everything you need to know about the real world. It teaches you the importance of money, shows you the true value of patience, punishes you for lying, and when characters move out of your town it’s an important lesson about the harsh realities of bereavement in adult life. Freckles is gone, Timothy, she’s gone to another town very far away and she’s never coming back.

It’s not a game, it’s a job. You HAVE to collect your fruit to begin with, else you can’t afford the cool furniture. You HAVE to keep fishing, else you might miss a rare fish. You HAVE to collect all the fossils, fish and insects because something cool might happen when you do. Animal Crossing uses an enhanced version of the COLLECTEVERYTHING(TM) engine that Nintendogs used. It makes chores into games, giving you incentives to spend hours and hours doing nothing in the hope of finding one rare little thing no one else has got.

When we bought it we played it for an hour and a half in bed in the morning, we played it for an hour and a half in the afternoon, we played it for an hour and a half in the evening, then for an hour an a half in bed before going to bed. If anything that’s an underestimate, because starting to play Animal Crossing is like stepping into a time machine where suddenly it’s a huge amount of time in the future when you turn it off and look at the clock.

That’s another reason why it’s great. You can use it to fast forward your boring life. So anyway, we played it for six hours a day (minimum) for the first few weeks of having it. Some of those six-hour periods were spent fishing. Just fishing. Fishing, then running to the shop to sell them, or to the Museum to donate any rare ones we caught. The game keeps a list of all the fish you’ve caught, which is one of numerous mini, incidental challenges you have to complete. In your own time and whenever you like. We’re now down to about three 15-minute periods of play a day, which is much more manageable.

Animal Crossing really suits the handheld. You can play it for ten minutes in the morning, a bit at lunch time and switch it on in the evening for a proper play. It’s why Wild World is such a perfect game. We do all our farming/shopping chores in the morning on the train to work instead of reading about war in a newspaper, then spend the evening having fun instead of watching war on the news. And wi-fi play lets you do it all in another town, with the added excitement of random router crashes to keep everyone on edge. It’s the perfect game and it suits DS to a tee. 10/10, again.

ABOUT THE ABOVE REVIEW:
We’re releasing this review under the GNU Free Documentation License, so if you want to run a review of Animal Crossing Wild World on your web site, blog or student magazine, feel free to use this copy and put your name on it. It’s free for everyone to reproduce! We’re doing this out of love.

WHAT SCORE TO GIVE IT:
If your web site, blog or magazine scores games out of 5 give it 5/5. If you score things out of 10 give it 10/10. If you use the archaic percentage system give it 97 percent because anything more than that makes you look stupid like those American magazines who give games 100 percent. Nothing’s ever 100 percent you pricks.

And the above fact is this – OFFICIAL. Scroll down and read the press release. It’s all in there, plus it’s arriving on Xbox 360 in “late summer” which means PS3’s Reason To Exist List has just got massively shorter – ie, it’s gone from having one game on it to having no games on it.

While VF5 coming to Xbox 360 isn’t quite as great as SEGA saying VF5 is coming to a new SEGA console it’s making especially for Virtua Fighter (ie, the Saturn), it still means we don’t have to even think about maybe getting a PS3 just for VF5 any more. And neither do you. Or anyone else!

The money we save on not having to buy a PS3 just for VF5 can now be reinvested in SEGA plush toys. We’ll even be able to afford a SUPER R@RE MINT WITH TAG Mecha Sonic now. And another Cream The Rabbit, to replace the one we’ve worn the arse out of.

You could Photoshop Ken Kutaragi’s head onto Pai’s body for a hilarious joke to post on a video game forum! A speech bubble from Sarah Bryant could be something about her causing ‘massive damage’! We have tears in our eyes just thinking about the potential for hilarity this news has unleashed.

Here’s one we made in literally two minutes. The purple circle is meant to be a black eye. We are not artists.

These are just PS3 screenshots we got off the internet, so don’t get too excited too quickly. VF5 won’t be out on Xbox 360 until a few months after PS3 – that’s what “system exclusive” means these days. The press release says “late summer” for the Xbox 360 version, so that’s only a few more months for the freetrade alternative to the evil PS3 game.

We are all winners thanks to PS3’s upcoming defeat. This also means SEGA’s been working on Xbox 360 VF5 for quite some time. There has therefore been a small amount of “smoke and mirrors” surrounding its development.

You have no idea how relieved we feel right now. It’s like emerging from the bathroom having had a gigantic poo AND a wank AND the first shower in three days. Now we feel light and envigourated and clean and whole and invincible. Thanks, SEGA.

THE OFFICIAL THING ABOUT XBOX 360 VF5 FROM SEGA, SO YOU KNOW WE’RE NOT JUST ALREADY DRUNK FOR CHRISTMAS AND MAKING THINGS UP:

SEGA ANNOUNCES VIRTUA FIGHTER 5 FOR XBOX 360

Premiere Fighting Game Franchise Makes First Appearance on Microsoft’s Next Generation Videogame Console

SAN FRANCISCO & LONDON (December 21, 2006) – SEGA of America, Inc. and SEGA Europe Ltd. today announced that the highly anticipated arcade fighting game, Virtua Fighter 5, will make its way onto the Xbox 360 video game and entertainment system. Virtua Fighter 5 is scheduled for release on Xbox 360 in North America and in Europe during late summer 2007. The game will also be available for the PLAYSTATION3 computer entertainment system on February 20th, 2007 in North America and will be available in Europe simultaneously with the system’s launch in March 2007.

“Those people lucky enough to have already played Virtua Fighter 5 will know that it’s laid the foundations to become the clear benchmark for fighting games on all next generation consoles”, said Matt Woodley, Creative Director, SEGA Publishing Europe Ltd. “Bringing Virtua Fighter 5 to the Xbox 360 offers us a platform with power to handle the astonishing visuals, the complex and varied fighting styles of all the customisable characters and will undoubtedly put Virtua Fighter 5 into the hands of a gaming audience craving for a highly polished and credible fighting game.”

Virtua Fighter 5 features beautifully detailed stages from around the world where players face off in fast-moving martial arts battles against one of 17 characters. Two lively new characters join the elite group of fighters, adding two new unique fighting styles for players to try and master. With more skill and strategy than ever before, players are also given the opportunity to learn and employ the new “Offensive Move” technique to take down their opponents from different angles, adding a new dimension to the game and something for both new and old fans to master. Virtua Fighter 5 also includes the ability to customise characters by selecting from four base costumes and a wide range of unlockable accessories and earnable items. As players win more tournaments they will not only earn costumes and accessories, but also prizes and in-game money that will allow them to buy items from the in-game shop.

“The Virtua Fighter series from SEGA has one of the most prestigious histories in video games,” said Jeff Bell, corporate vice president of global marketing for the Interactive Entertainment Business at Microsoft. “It’s a franchise that has grown an army of loyal fans both in arcades and on consoles worldwide, and is consistently rated extremely high by the media. Fighting game fans have been hungry for Virtua Fighter 5 and we can now proudly deliver this game with SEGA to Xbox 360 gamers around the world.”

Developed by the highly renowned Tokyo based development team, AM R&D Development No.2, Virtua Fighter 5 for the Xbox 360 will be available across Europe and North America during late summer 2007.

“PlayStation3 is totally fucked now. Even hardcore gamers don’t need it for any reason at all. This is SEGA’s ULTIMATE REVENGE” added UK:Resistance, in a small footnote at the bottom of the press release that definitely wasn’t sent out with the proper press release.