It’s political correctness gone right.

This is the best one, really. It’s best because it’s in a normal colour (blue). It’s apparently a good conversation starter at parties and barbecues, and one man even said some girls started talking to him about it which lead to him losing his virginity.

This one is second best, out of two. So it’s sort of the worst. We have no idea why we made it on ‘teal’ or aquamarine. It must’ve looked better in the printers. Next time we’ll just do one in black for all the fat/shy people.

She then ruins it loads and makes us lose our erection by talking about Tekken 5 for ages, then the Tekken 5 loading screens, then how there’s a “Customise” option where you can customise your character. You could say she loses focus a bit. Still, all we’re thinking about is “Wow, she has a Dreamcast!!” so we’re guilty of losing focus too.

She also plays Sonic Rush in another one. If we were to ever meet her, we could fill in all the awkward silences by talking about Sonic Rush. We could ask what her favourite level is, then say “Oh” and that would be a conversation with a girl! We would then write the time and date down in the notebook we have where we list all the times we’ve spoken to girls.

Watching this other one is like actually having a girlfriend! She’s rambling on about something for ages, and all we’re doing is wishing she’d shut up and let us concentrate on watching the telly.

It’s quite interesting to see what happens when you just leave a girl talking on her own for ages. They literally go quite mental! Here, she’s started playing a Tamagotchi game and is listing the kinds of shops in it! There’s a cleaners where you get to wash and iron clothes, for example!

We still like Siren, even though she said on her forum that UKR “is certainly very predictable” and that “you just want them to do something to surprise you rather than running over the same old ‘we’re so UN-Politically Correct it hurts’ stuff… y’know?” which is actually quite a fair point that we’ll seriously take on board.

“BTW”, this isn’t stalking if you’re one of their boyfriends or the police, as they actually put the videos up on the internet themselves for us to watch, so we’re allowed to watch them and probably even allowed to pause and rewind them and watch certain bits again 100 times. We’re also not saying it’s rubbish, as we love watching their work. It’s mesmerising!

In fact, Versus TV is the BEST THING ON THE INTERNET right now. Please make more of it and please can we be in it as special guest stars one day. We’re much more polite in real life and will practise what we’re going to say beforehand so we come across as funny and interesting.

We’ll call ours Katie, and pretend it’s a little girl. But if Katie doesn’t grow out of listening to iPods we’ll beat little Katie until she fucking learns. This is what we’ve learned about how children work from reading news on the internet.

BAD KATIE. KATIE MUST STAY IN HER ROOM. KATIE WILL NOT HAVE ANY DINNER UNTIL SHE STOPS LIKING iPODS. KATIE WILL GET SHAKEN AND HIT UNTIL THE COUNCIL TAKES KATIE AWAY. OH NO. POOR KATIE. WHAT HAVE WE DONE? WE WILL CRY ON YOUR BIRTHDAY AND WONDER WHERE YOU ARE.

We just wanted to share this photograph. There is no funny caption. There could NEVER be a funny caption about this, not even if the writers of Planes, Trains and Automobiles and Larry David got together and worked on it for a whole month.

To this day, we still don’t understand how fruit machines work. Why, for example, is that bit flashing and saying ‘multiplier’? What button do you press now? There are never any instructions on them. How do people learn these things? Is it the sort of skill you only learn in prison, like how to hotwire a car and how to make methamphetamine from household products?

Eight pounds was probably quite a lot of money in 1992. We can’t remember, due to being really young. Like, maybe only 20 or 21 if Vixen, Siren or any girls on MySpace want to know.

It’s Vixen and Siren. It must be confusing being a girl on the internet and keeping track of all the pretend names you have to use to stop men finding you and killing you. They say they’re going to tell us what games to play. At least this time it won’t just be the UbiSoft back catalogue.

The game we’re thinking of playing at the moment is Put The Sausage In That One’s Mouth While That One Feels Our Bottom And Says We’re Really Nice And Funny. You can see them ACTUALLY WALKING AND TALKING LIKE THEY’RE LOOKING AT YOU here.

The fantasy scenario we’ve built up in our heads around the above photo is this: They’re both trying to look as sexy as possible to make us like them, and if there’s no clear winner we can have both.

If you need to ask why, don’t and just go away.