The games industry continues to make its own jokes today:

A PLEA: Would anyone from Gizmondo like to anonymously tell us what’s going on inside the company? It’s bound to make a good update, and will definitely be funnier than anything we’ve managed to do since 1997.

And he’s taken some photos with a digital camera it looks like he got out of a Christmas cracker to prove it.

Hi chaps,

Just in case you weren’t crazy enough to buy a CDi, like myself, and therefore couldn’t take a photo of Philips’ unique CDi control pad, I went to the liberty of taking one myself and emailing it to you.

Apologies for the poor quality. [APOLOGY ENTIRELY NECESSARY]

Still, now you can create, oooh, I’d say a good 387 different visual joke gags about how Nintendo’s new pad looks exactly like Philips’ old pad. And to think, people thought Nintendo and Philips broke up in the 90s, how wrong they were!

I hope this is of some help, I spent a good 5 minutes charging my camera to send this pic.

Regards,
Micheal Colardale

PS: The flap at the bottom of the pad can be opened to reveal all the CDi buttons, which actually makes it look even MORE like Nintendo’s Revolution pad. Do you want me to send another photo showing this? [WE DIDN’T REPLY BUT HE SENT IT ANYWAY, 16 MINUTES LATER]

Here’s an image of the CDi pad “open”.

Closed (left) and open. Not really very much the same as the Nintendo Revolution controller thing, but thanks for writing in anyway, Michael! you have no idea how grateful we are for the little distraction of getting an email. Each “bing” is like a ray of sunshine that temporarily lifts the Shadows from our soul and makes us put the knife down!

Despite being quite old, we remember virtually nothing about the Philips CDi. This is because when it came out we instinctively knew there was no need to remember anything about it because it was clearly doomed. This freed up valuable brain space for remembering early 1990s pop lyrics instead, such as all the words to ‘Insanity’ by Oceanic and ‘Naked in the Rain’ by Blue Pearl.

OTHER THINGS FROM OUR CHILDHOOD WE DIDN’T BOTHER REMEMBERING ANYTHING ABOUT:

– The Commodore CD32
– The cartridge-based C64
– The other CD-ROM thing Commodore did that we don’t think even came out
– The FM Towns Marty
– Amstrad stuff
– What uncle Steve used to do to us in bed

It’s 10:55am and people are STILL standing around monitors pointing and laughing at the photos of it.

“And when I press this, the Anal Love Bullet starts vibrating”

Write a ‘comedy’ games site? Need a Revolution controller joke right now? We’ve saved you the effort and the 30 seconds it takes for Photoshop to load up, simply cut-and-paste one of these hilarious images to your site and be the funniest person on the internet. Hurry up though, there’ll be at least 4357 similar jokes appearing online in the next 20 minutes.

This is an Arm Holdings promotional photograph, because Arm Holdings did some of the technical stuff inside GBA. They made some of the “silicon chips” that make the graphics work, sources close to Arm Holdings have exclusively confirmed to us today.

This photo might also be taken from the cover of a book entitled ‘How To Lure Children Back To Your House So You Can Have Sex With Them’ but suggesting that would be super-libellous and against the law, even on the internet.

Awesome staring eyes, tangible sense of menace. We spend ages practising this look in the mirror, but for some people it’s a natural gift. Click on the picture to download it as a convenient 1024×768 desktop image. We’re confident there has never been a better promotional photograph than this.

AND WHAT IS NEO_KITTY DOING TONIGHT?
She’s off out dogging with Neil.

Hold on to the edge of your bedsit’s sofabed, it’s…

A wireless controller for PlayStation2! The exclamation mark we’ve used there is a sham. Oh dear, it’s like they’ve Photoshopped “SEGA” over where it used to say “Joytech”.

Oh, OK then — we’ll have sex with you all. But you’ll have to come up with a rota. There’s only three of us here and Ensign Teela can’t get erections any more due to gender confusion issues. Wear something nice, this is the sort of thing we like.

Meet the frighteningly large-headed Liv Brent, who MUST be really into games because she’s holding a controller — the right way up AND with her fingers on the triggers!

Liv and her AMAZING HUGE HEAD will be presenting something about games called “Sci Gamer” on the Sci-Fi channel. It will almost certainly have “comedy” features and will get axed after one series. We’ve seen it happen too many times.

Click here to have Liv’s AMAZING ONE-DIMENSIONAL HEAD fill your entire screen.

We had to turn up sober to work this morning to raise the two quid necessary to buy this game, so let nobody say we don’t suffer for our art.

Blimey! It’s a game about Japanese girls… IN SPACE! This just proves that our so-called Japanese friends are keeping all the good stuff to themselves.

The gameplay revolves around having a large number of girls in the fridge. You get them out, look at them for a bit then put them back in the fridge again. You can watch FMV and pretend that you’re playing Kriss Kross: Make My Video on the Mega-CD again, but mostly it’s all about the fridge.

It’s still rubbish though. Maybe if we knew more about Morning Musume (apart from the fact that one of them is cross-eyed and one has spazzy teeth) then the experience would be better for us. This is worse than when they made that movie about vampire goth girls in tight leather fighting warewolves in Matrix style bullet time, and it STILL sucked.

It’s going to be REALLY awkward when we inevitably meet them at some UbiSoft industry event now, but we’d be letting you down if we didn’t pass comment on the UK wing of entirely fabricated girl gaming clan the Frag Dolls.

SO HERE GOES!

1. Voodoo!

She’s obviously first. Look! Scroll up and look! She’s got lovely big brown eyes like a cow, and that’s not an insult because we love cows. We know two men that are already obsessed with her having met her at preliminary Frag Dolls events, and for this reason we should probably put her last, seeing as we’re realists and know there’s no point pursuing Miss Lovely, but… SHE HAS SUCH BIG BROWN EYES :(

2. Lucky!

She’s like a quite ordinary nice girl who’s spent twice as long as usual doing her make-up this morning, probably because she’s going to the pub with her male work colleagues after work tonight and wants to try and have sex with one of them. If we were one of her male work colleagues, we’d certainly buy her triples without telling her in order to get her drunk enough to agree (or not be able to say no) to doing the sort of things we like to do to women!

3. Sarin!

This one’s all right. Given that this is probably the first time she’s ever been told how to stand for a photo, she’s doing an OK job. God know why she’s called herself Sarin though. Sarin is a poisonous nerve gas the Nazis and Saddam Hussein liked to use. She must have body image issues if she thinks she’s that bad.

4. Kitt!

Not really. That said, though, at the launch party for Ghost Recon: Whatever Part 3’s Called, when we’ve already had eight double vodka cranberries before we even got there, we’d probably try our patented pulling technique out on her (this involves staring at girls from quite far away, then hoping they come over and talk to us about games or the internet because they noticed us staring at them. Currently we’re at 0 for 278 with this technique, so it’s bound to work soon).

5. DISQUALIFIED: Jam!

We’ve put Jam last because we kind of, sort of, half know her a bit, having been made to meet her in a gay bar with lots of weird Goths once, so admitting to wanting to have sex with her (or not wanting to have sex with her at all) would make things even more awkward than they already are (and at the moment they’re already as awkward as carrying a fridge up some stairs on your own when only allowed to touch the fridge with your feet and the stairs with your face). That said, we’d *RESISTING REALLY HARD, HARDER THAN EVER BEFORE THROUGH GRITTED-TEETH SMILEY FACE*

SUMMARY:
It’s out of our hands.