No one in this day and age should have to pay money to play a rubbish clone of Columns! Especially not £11.50, which is almost enough to get a proper game made since 1987.

This must rank as the biggest rip-off in video games since that fateful Saturnday back in 1995, where we somehow misplaced £439.98 and got a Sega Saturn and two games in return.

Wish we got paid £11.50 (or even the less-prestigious £7.49!) every time someone read a rubbish old joke we wrote while sobbing in a bedsit nine years ago.

Xbox.com :: Xbox Live Arcade

That GTA San Andreas sex game hack was genuine — and it’s in PlayStation2 San Andreas too. Our new best internet friends at GTA San Andreas Net sent us a movie of GTA’s sexy stuff “in action”, this time including FULL NUDITY, SEX IN THE MOUTH and a more varied selection of positions.

Well, two more positions. The other two positions. There are only three positions in sex, aren’t there?

PlayStation2 owner’s joke: “This as close as Xbox owners will ever get to having sex! Ha ha! LOL!”

Xbox owner’s joke: “This as close as PlayStation 2 owners will ever get to having sex! Ha ha! LOL!”

Gamecube owner’s joke: “This as close as I will ever get to having sex! Ha ha! Er… :(”

Rubbish! Frankly, we’d rather look at 458 high quality photos of Japanese women holding gadget things.

The required mod to unlock all the unsavoury adult action in PC GTA San Andreas can be found here.

Ha ha! Women are so stupid! Let’s all of us just get gay together, then we won’t have to put up with this kind of nonsense any more.

Taken from “The Sun” newspaper:

COMMANDER ZORG SAYS:
It’s not OK or normal to be jealous of fictional video game characters. You’re clearly a bit mental, probably because you don’t eat properly because you’re always on a diet. Stopping only having coffee for breakfast and lunch may help. My free forum post entitled “GET A GRIP ON REALITY” will help you.

In the mean time, male readers are advised to AVOID ALL CONTACT with women, and instead seek comfort in the Maria Sharapova-inspired Japanese Fake Breast Cushion.

No, no it really wouldn’t.

If you’ve bought a Gizmondo, then you obviously have a blinding and insurmoutable need to show the world that you have a bit of money and no regard for your eternal soul. But what do you do when you need to show the world that you have access to a Windows fonts folder and no regard for other people’s eyes? That’s right, you make Gizmondo fan art.

Thanks very much to mister “Pixel” for the above image, who also submitted a further fifteen to THIS INSPIRATIONAL SITE. After that they seem to stop naming individual contributors, for some reason.

See? Even in an age where a solid gaming machine like DS and a funky “Lifestyle” toy like PSP occupy the same market, these people love Gizmondo as much as we love Sega. Is this what we look like to other people?

Ludicrously poor “sex game” discovered in PlayStation 2 and PC Grand Theft Auto!

Some boffin has unlocked abandoned “shagging” bits hidden in PC GTA: San Andreas — and they’re in the PlayStation 2 version too. They look rubbish! Let’s laugh at them and feel smug and superior!

“A few months ago, Barton Waterduck discovered a few sections of unused code in the PlayStation 2 version of GTA San Andreas for the girlfriend “missions”. With a bit of memory editing and such, he discovered these removed portions of mission scripting were to not only put the camera inside the girlfriends’ house when you stop in for “coffee”, but also to make a little mini-game of it.”

This looks like a joke cobbled together by children in a free image manipulation tool such as MS Paint!

“Push UP and DOWN in rhythm”? Ahh, so *that’s* how doing it works. We’ve been wondering about that for some time. Hopefully the Xbox version lets you take your trousers off.

Taken shamelessly from here: GTA San Andreas : San Andreas: Uncensored (News)

This update’s for you, Mister Semicolon Emoticon.

MISTER SEMICOLON EMOTICOOO-HON!

In an age when we can say the most painfully patronising things to complete strangers – things that would get us punched to within an inch of our lives if we said them down the Kebab and Calculator – without ANY FEAR OF PHYSICAL REPRISAL or even the VAGUEST POSSIBILITY of SETTING FOOT ON THE SAME CONTINENT as our target, you make it possible for us to STILL grinningly deny that we are doing anything confrontational with a little HEY! IT’S THE INTERNET! AREN’T WE ALL BEST MATES REALLY, DESPITE THE FACT THAT MY POISONOUS LITTLE EXISTANCE MAKES YOU WANT TO KNAW YOUR OWN COLLARBONE OFF! disclaimer.

SNIIIDE AND COWARDLY!

So this one’s for you, mister… for bringing us all just three easy keypresses from being an agonising shitstain who should be put in a washing machine full of jagged halfbricks until their bodies die.

THAAA-HA-HANK YOOOOOOOU! ;)

There’s a new employment scheme in Bournemouth:

We’re often asked why we hate modern youth culture so much — THIS IS WHY:

Can you believe this? Can you actually believe this? This photo was in “serious newspaper” The Times yesterday.

Battle Raper 2 is a fighting game where the women get their clothes torn off, then WEIRD SEX THINGS happen. You’re sold, right?

Battle Raper 2 looks like any other substandard fighting game, say, like one made in 3D by SNK.

Only it gets a bit saucy. It’s got lovely girls in and you can smash off their clothes as they fight.

And it has some sort of ‘View Mode’ for just looking at the women. This is great. We like just looking! It’s so much better than the strategy of “trying to take part and then being rejected”.

You can make them open their legs to examine thigh bruises and then heal them. If you’re finding this all a bit unsavoury that’s a GOOD sign. It means you’re quite normal.

There’s proper nudity and even ACTUAL SEX. Look at the bottom-left bit — he’s ACTUALLY HAVING SEX with her!

You can grope them with a disembodied hand…

…even DOWN THERE!

It’s going to be even more popular than Grand Theft Auto!

Then you spunk on their tummies and lose interest. This bit is so amazing we tried to rip a movie of it — but it was a weird format we couldn’t edit. Sorry about that. The whole thing’s on the internet here (26Mb PSP format executable MP4 movie file). It really is worth seeing, even if you live in Cornwall and have to spend a whole day downloading it on a modem.

Battle Raper 2. Out now! *SCRUBS SKIN WITH BLEACH*

Gotham 3 has got its own blog! It’s not cynical or about the games industry (that’s so last month), it’s about how AWESOME the road is going to be in Project Gotham Racing 3 for Xbox 360.

This is a screenshot of the road in Gotham 3:

“We’ve got diffuse textures, specular maps, bump maps, and more textures (at different scaling) to ensure that you never see a repeated bit of tarmac. Every inch of every track will look unique, which is no small feat considering we’re building huge areas of cities.”

WE WILL BE CHECKING TO SEE IF THAT IS TRUE.

Gotham 3 development blog: BizarreOnline.net – Never drink the random purple beverage, it hurts