SONIC TEAM — MAKING THE UK A BETTER PLACE!

…by being the 8th most successful video game development studio over the last year in the UK, according to a survey in nauseatingly smug industry pamphlet Develop.

Here’s the top 10.

  • 1. EA Canada (93,513,089 pounds generated at UK retail)
  • 2. Rockstar North (71,067,230)
  • 3. Maxis (31,907,533)
  • 4. EA Redwood Shores (30,600,306)
  • 5. Ubisoft Montreal (22,930,009)
  • 6. London Studios (SCEE) (22,914,433)
  • 7. KCE Tokyo (22,127,973)
  • 8. Sonic Team (20,762,935)
  • 9. Codemasters (19,153,610)
  • 10. EA LA (18,934,945)
  • Bungie is at 11 with Halo 2 on 16m and all of Nintendo is at 28 with 8.6m.

    Sumo Digital was not listed :(

    For the full text click here.

    AN ACTUAL SCREENSHOT FROM ‘JUICED’ ON XBOX

    And the actual press release from the press release ‘crew’:

    “By showing off your modding and driving skills, you’ll gain ‘Respect’ from the rival crew chiefs, and will soon be invited to their race events, challenge them to race ‘for pinks’ via video calling and bet against them for cash. As your notoriety grows, new drivers will call you up to ask to join your crew, opening up the never before seen ‘crew races’ where your skills at managing your drivers while you race are key to beating your rival crews.”

    The video games industry is doing our jokes for real.

    ACTUAL SCREENSHOTS FROM ‘JUICED’ ON MOBILE PHONE


    It’s not a joke, honest! Games are going backwards. At 1000 miles an hour and towards HELL.

    XBOX 2, PS3 *AND* NINTENDO REVOLUTION CONTROLLER REVEALED-ISH!

    That’s another deliberately misleading headline introducing a piece that’s just us stealing something off the web and pretending it’s ours, like “proper” video games web sites do.

    Point is, we’ve found the below “blank canvas” image, ideal for Photoshopping on the games console logo of your choice on and posting it on web forums.

    It’s from the press site at Axion and is, interestingly enough, a controller that lets you play Mega Drive games on its portable DVD players — but in the right hands could be anything.

    Click on the image to download a hi-res version ideal for Photoshop fun!


    HOW TO GET GIRLS TO POSE IN ONLY THEIR PANTS:

    Get them drunk.

    That was an easy update, courtesy of the “lifestyle” gaming brand we love to really really really hate Joystick Junkies. Please don’t download all their PR images and post abusive Photoshop jobs on our forum. That’d be a terrible occurrence!

    Especially if you made this one say something rude, or made it look like something was going into her mouth:

    We hope they have copyright clearance to use all this valuable videogame intellectual property.

    WORST IDEA OF 2005:SHORTLIST ENTRY #5

    Ladies, gentlemen and theoretical heterosexuals, we bring you news of the Christian Game Developers Conference.

    YES, WE JUST SAID…
    The Christian Game Developers Conference. Luckily for them it doesn’t seem to have a web forum. But it does have a Mission Statement:

    “Dear Jesus, please let me complete GTA San Andreas without spilling any precious lifeblood”

    WHAT TO EXPECT AT CGDC:

  • Three thousand Jeff Minter lookalikes.
  • Ring tone “Hymn Zone” for the kids.
  • EA spies scoping out if it’s a demographic worth buying into.
  • Us doing our OutRun2 sermon.
  • Assorted conversions.
  • Recently unemployed UK developers getting religion.
  • Disc duplication forum — how to turn one DVD into 5000.
  • OH, *NOW* WE WANT ONE!

    Clever! A silver PS2! That’s why Sony’s the leading aspirational lifestyle consumer electronics brand! They take something you’ve already had for five years, then make it in a different colour! Xbox 2 better watch out!

    Idiotic youths can use its mirror finish to admire their tattoos and lip piercings.


    EA CRICKET: EXCLUSIVE NEW SHOT #4


    Familiar foes will text message you challenges — can YOU win their respect and become the ultimate homeboy of Cricketsville?


    SEGA MODS UR RIDE, INNIT BLOOD. U GET ME?

    Great news! Sega’s making one of those car-modding games, which means it’s OK for us to start liking them now!

    It’s called “Faster Than Speed”. Let’s gloss over how stupid that name is.


    Faster than Speed is about “rides”, “tricks” and urban things we don’t understand because we don’t live in DA HOOD or Compton or Philly or wherever it is everyone who plays video games is supposed to live these days. (We live here).

    THE OFFICIAL PRESS RELEASE

    Don’t Be Furious – Be Faster Than Speed with Sega

    Enter the exciting street-racing world of FASTER THAN SPEED where the winner rules and the loser walks! The current hot twin driver by Sammy, and now available from Sega Amusements Europe, is in a new styled cabinet launched at the ATEI. Its great value price tag coupled with the excellent recorded performance results will allow operators a great return on investment.

    Hit the street with the most addictive driving experience of your life! Pick from 8 customized rides. FASTER THAN SPEED will take your players into the exotic, dim-lit, back streets of over 12 cityscape tracks challenging the quickest, the fastest, the ‘badest’, and pushing the most fearless racer to conquer the asphalt! To take down your challenger, you need to burn the street with a variety of high-speed tricks.

    This street styled racing game is fully linkable and allows drivers the choice of paint colours and features so he can “pimp his ride”, the more races you win the more features that become available to you. FASTER THAN SPEED also features bonus games and hidden cars as well as allowing experienced drivers to do trick manoeuvres.

    Best we can hope is it makes millions to bankroll production of Xbox OutRun2 SP or OutRun3 for anything.

    EA CRICKET: EXCLUSIVE NEW SHOT #3


    Authentic British street-speak and many urban youth phrases have been accurately incorporated by the Canadian developers, who spent up to ten minutes looking at some British web sites as research.