“It allows anyone who plays the game to relive their life, their entire individual life.” Um, yes Peter, are you sure? Have you taken your medication today? You know it’s not a good idea to make statements like that, don’t you? Just look at what happened to your little friend Demis Hasabassabasabis and his ‘living, breathing city’. Maybe, aim a bit lower, like “It’s a new take on the popular Tetris style of game”. Then we’ll all be impressed if it’s something marginally better than that.

Over the past week, all the UK game industry events have been cancelled (except EGN but that doesn’t count), leaving 15 year old gaming website “CEO’s” to cry over their keyboards. But fear not, UK:Resistance will come to the rescue! We’re planning UK:R – LIVE for later this year. Venue is to be announced (will have wheelchair access) but expect somewhere with a capacity for at least 45 people. Attractions include Girls Aloud (TBC) repeatedly performing ‘Love Machine’ throughout the day, a ‘Retro’ games section featuring linked Dreamcasts running Sega Rally 2 and exciting daily seminars. Gary will be holding a debate entitled Games Journalism – The Future, where the merits of the ‘out of ten’ scoring system will be extolled followed by a discussion about whether words are even needed in game reviews in the 21st century. Jon will be hosting a talk on the Saturn Virtua Fighter 3 conversion with hardware upgrade cart and how it could still be a viable product 7 years after it’s shelved release. Stay tuned for further information regarding this spectactular event.

(NB. The European Cheese Tasting Seminar have asked us to point out they will be holding their annual event as usual at the Wisbech Conference centre)

#5: Gizmondo ‘TBA-TRIS’

Shapes coming soon!!!! Keep checking back!!!! New shape announcements imminent!!!!

The wonder, the excitement, the anticipation as news reaches us of a massive 89 games due out for Gizmondo. We can’t wait to see ‘Race’. Surely it will be a groundbreaking new take on the racing genre and not a sub-par effort along the lines of a PC driving game circa 1998? ‘Jump and hit’ must be a trendy simplistic name for what will no doubt be an innovative new title pushing the boundaries of handheld gaming and not just some by-numbers platform outing. And who can imagine what is in store for us with the enigmatically named ‘Goal’? Until then Gizmondo owner, you can pass the time playing Pocket Ping Pong 2005.

A Gizmondo — Yesterday.

#4: ROCKSTAR GAMES ‘GRAND THEF-TRIS’

The shapes are sinking concrete-encased bodies of people you’ve just GANG-BANGED in an urban DRIVE-BY and are now dumping in the sea after having just raped them and stolen their money!

NEW IDEAS FOR SPACE INVADERS
You are Steven J. Invader, a space-cop in the year 22… oh Jesus. Has it really come to this? We’re even boring ourselves now.

Here’s something we forgot we had. It’s an ancient movie of a woman dressed like Lara Croft getting her unnecessarily large breasts out on a bus. This would’ve originally been posted in, ooh, about 1998 or so. There’s a link to it in the archives, but we can’t read all that again. Too much pain.

Lara Croft getting her unnecessarily large breasts out on a bus (3.9mb).

That’s the new-look Lara Croft on the left. She’s lovely now! That’s the old Lara on the right, as laughably and ineptly imagineered by the primary-school artists of Core Design. Ahhh, those beautiful yet HIDEOUSLY MISSHAPEN eyes, lips and cheek bones. The laughs we had!

Tomb Raider Art: Not Funny Any More *SAD SMILEY FACE*

NEW IDEAS FOR TETRIS WEEK!
#3: ELECTRONIC ARTS ‘MOD-TRIS’

Pay £3.50 to buy new custom shapes! Custom shapes equal CRED!

Dear The Internet,

Why-oh-why-oh-why would anyone want to write forty-seven THOUSAND words about Manhunt?

For forcing this monumentally tedious crime onto an unsuspecting internet, NTSC-UK gains a coveted spot on the list of sites we hate. Well done!

#2: UBISOFT ‘SPLIN-TRIS’

Manoeuvre one shape (a green triangle) REALLY SLOWLY down a VERY DARK grid where if you touch the sides you immediately die.