#1: MIDWAY GAMES ‘DRUGS-TRIS’

Make the shapes look like DRUG NEEDLES for taking heroin because games with drugs in are REALLY COOL!

The winner and therefore loser of the Worst April Fool Joke award goes to this miserable effort from amateur hour web site Total Video Games. Predictable subject matter, tired references, boring writing and utterly hateful all-round. Why would you even bother doing that? (We mean the joke AND the web site).

EQUALLY LOWLY COMMENDED IDIOCY:
This.
This.
This.
And this.

Although the last one’s meant to be serious “New Games Journalism”, we think. Which is funny in a despairing has-it-really-come-to-this kind of way. Thanks to mediocrity like this, our opinion of ourselves gets higher every day. We ROCKS!

In another Earth-shattering display of unoriginality of the sort that’s CRUSHING THE WHOLE GAMES INDUSTRY TO DEATH, another worse version of a cheap old game you’re already bored of has been served up for you to buy again, realise you’re already bored of, then forget about and wish you’d spent the money on anything else. This time it’s Tetris and it’s on your Sky digital TV box.

Nice, but our favourite Sky game remains trying to wank ourselves to an unsatisfactory climax over ten-minute preview screenings of heavily-edited soft pornography or never-naked coke-whores:

The best Sky game. Can you see our naked reflection?

ALL NEXT WEEK!
Or maybe just on Monday, we’ll have a list of ways games companies can more accurately update Tetris for today’s “urban youth”. It will be the sort of hilarious joke you’ll want to email to all your friends and post on web forums.

And what has the visionary forward-thinker managed to come up with?

*ISSUE 76* 06.12.04

Xbox – Gamecube – Dreamcast – Gizmondo – DS – PSP
Subscribe or unsubscribe: www.ukresistance.co.uk

A. Um… dunno. Just rewrite what IGN says.

You can tell exactly what happened here. Some bragging wideboy thought a “Sexiest Gamer” contest would be a great way to get fit, slightly Gothy internet webcam girls to send him photos of themselves kissing Xboxes in bras.

But instead, a bunch of fat/thin tattooed/scabby video game freaks applied to be the “Sexiest” Indie Gamer, most of whom were men who look like they’ve just got out of jail for cattle rustling.

Imagine the disappointment when this arrives in your inbox instead of Goth honey:

Taken from the “Sexiest” Indie Gamer site. The search continues. Probably forever. It backfired quite badly, don’t you think?

NO SUPRISES AT TOP OF CHART:
PlayStation2: Check. Xbox: Check. Gamecube? Check! Crikey, well done Capcom and Nintendo. Dull stats-based PC game? Check…

NO SUPRISES AT BOTTOM OF CHART:

The current exchange rate for British pounds to American dollars is $1.92 for every pound. Which means the Gizmondo costs the equivalent of $439.68 in your money. That’s four Xboxes, and funnier than Friends ever got.

Ah. They’re using the old “stocks are running out” trick. It must be kind of like the new iPod then. We’d better buy one really quickly. Trendy early adopters like ourselves must be snapping them up. *SARCASTIC SMILEY FACE*

Stupid celebs who don’t know what a Gizmondo is were told it’d be a good idea to go to its launch party. It wasn’t! They looked like desperate ligging fools, gathered together for free sausages on sticks at the stupidest hardware launch since whenever N-Gage came out.

Anyway, they threw a lot of cash at the launch party.

(Gizmondo employees — if you look closely you can see your money going away from you in several of these shots. This is your “sponsoring Arsenal” moment).

We were going to let Dannii Minogue be our next girlfriend — not any more! Show some dignity, you stupid lo-carb bitch!

No! You DON’T look cool! Even doing your “cool face” can’t save you here, Pharrell. It’s a party for GIZMONDO. You’d look cooler if you were pictured buying heroin from a tramp while wearing clothes made out of a carrier bag, you idiot. Next time, say you’ll only go to parties if they’re for a Sony something.

Yes, it can get any worse. This isn’t that Aphex Twin video, it’s the weasely coke-fiend out of Jamiroquai.

“You always need a soap star at a great party” says a caption on the Gizmondo web site, beneath this photo of two POP STARS from the band Girls Aloud. Does the Gizmondo ineptitude know NO BOUNDS? Look, we do a better and more informed web site than that FOR FREE. If you ever see us in real life, ask us the names of the girls in Girls Aloud – we know them all. And their surnames. Keeping your cultural references up to date is easy and FREE!

Bottom of barrel: CONFIRMED. Laugh more: Here.

NOTE TO EVENT ORGANISERS
Next time you organise a party that Cheryl Tweedy out of Girls Aloud is going to be at, invite us. That way, we’ll spend all night drinking and taking photos of Cheryl from ever-closer distances as our courage rises. Cheryl will then leave at 8:30pm, as all girls do at games industry parties. But then, the next day we’ll do a massive update saying how GREAT AND COOL the event/product was/is, and none of the above nastiness need happen. This is the email address to send your party invites to. We will go and do the thing we just said just then.