Life-long Sega fan Steve, 43, sent us this drawing of what he imagines a woman to be like naked:

He’s quite close! We actually found this sick (or amazing, depending on who we’re talking to and which persona we’re using) CG porn archive while searching for Dead or Alive fan fiction.

…to all the girls who continue to wear short skirts even though it’s amazingly cold. You make having a shower before leaving the house seem worthwhile.

And a big thanks to the promotional image archives of the world for making not going outside such an entertaining option.

The latest satirical video game joke is obviously to do with PSP’s battery life and/or size. This will be funny. It must be, because we keep seeing it in web forums where people other than us say LOL and ROFL afterwards. And, as we all know, people in web forums are the arbiters of comedy taste!

We got this picture off Google, but it doesn’t really say “stupid, pointless white elephant” enough to satisfy our anti-Sony standpoint:

It’s also set in someone’s lounge, which doesn’t look like a corporate Sony setting. Also, it isn’t very funny.

Can you help? We need pictures of people carrying large, square objects that can subsequently – and hilariously! – be labelled “PSP Battery”. The traffic we’ll generate from this will be immense. And we might even get on b3ta!!! Email us your photo findings.

…which means it’s still not OK to tell girls that you like playing video games. We all need to get hobbies for adults that involve lawnmowers.

Every year, thousands of lonely people have rubbish Christmases because they don’t drink enough. To avoid this, read the list below and ensure that AT LEAST two glasses of the following are inside you at all times over the festive period. This way you won’t mind being alone so much.

Beers

Spirits (whiskey, gin etc)

Wine

Alcopops

Fortified wines (port, sherry)

Liqueurs

Stay happy. Stay drunk.

So far, we’ve identified an incredible FOUR different levels that yesterday’s Yuji Naka/Manics update works on. It really amazes us sometimes just how much like The Onion we are! These are the levels:

LEVEL 1: It’s a satire on the western media’s puzzling obsession with everything Famitsu ever says, even if it’s something obviously stupid.

LEVEL 2: It’s a satire on the generally banal contents of Japanese games magazines.

LEVEL 3: It’s a satire on the way Japanese developers always namecheck British bands as their ‘influences’ for soundtracks.

LEVEL 4: It’s a stupid and straightforward joke about Yuji Naka having odd musical tastes for a Japanese man.

See? It’s clever, which means it can get away without being funny — like Rory Bremner. If you’ve identified any additional levels the update below successfully operates on, please email them in.

As featured in the November 26 edition of Famitsu:

5. The Holy Bible
4. Everything Must Go
3. Forever Delayed
2. Know Your Enemy
1. Generation Terrorists

These are the names of everyone involved in the making of the game 50 Cent: Bulletproof, as taken from the game’s manual.

The ones crossed off in red we’ve already killed. The European ones are easy, but we need help from American readers to finish off the US developers. If you manage to kill one let us know who and we’ll update the list!

According to the manual, the best way to kill someone is with a “spectacular headshot” so do it that way. You won’t go to jail, you can just say the people who made the game said to do it. They are literally asking for it.

POSTED BY: Jack_Thompson November 29

We’ve just been emailed Nintendo’s Gamecube line-up for 2005 by a top-secret Big N insider. And what a corker it is too. Hold onto your hats, Nintendo fans!

JANUARY
Mario Baseball — Mario and his friends get ready for some serious baseball fun!

Mario Party 7 — Mario and his friends get ready for some serious board game action!

FEBRUARY
Mario Basketball — Mario and his friends get ready for some serious basketball fun!

Mario Party 8 — Mario and his friends get ready for more serious board game action!

MARCH
Mario Soccer — Mario and his friends get ready for some serious soccer fun!

Mario Party 9 — Mario and his friends get ready for more serious board game action!

APRIL
Mario Wrestling — Mario and his friends get ready for… oh wait this one got cancelled. Why not check out:

Mario Party 10 — Mario and his friends get ready for more serious board game action!

MAY
Sorry, we give up… but please buy our next system! It will have all the games you have played before and best of all THEY ALL FEATURE MARIO!

Aaaiiiight! We done got dat game wot got dem cars innit and shit. Is da wickedest cos you is drivin and puttin spoliers on an shit! An best of all, dem people wot is in da game talks like us, innit! Check da pikey gangsta words wot is in da new Need 4 Speed innit!

Dis is da wickedest menu screen innit!

Dis is like wot my nan speaks like innit! Wot da fuk is cabbages go ta do wiv nuffin? Dis game is mad shit innit!

If you ain’t don’t be gettin dis you is a GAY innit!

Innit!

There’s nothing we like reading more than some 42-year-old white Canadian male’s interpretation of urban youth culture dialogue, using Ray from 2Unlimited as his only black culture reference point. And shit. How can games get lower than this? Come back in 12 months time for Need for Speed Underground 3 and we’ll find out!