A SCREENSHOT OF KASUMI’S AMAZING BREASTS

***blah blah blah blah write some filler copy about how we played the Dreamcast version of DoA at the weekend and it was almost as good only FOUR YEARS OLDER and the DC was ROBBED and should still be on sale and by now we’d have been promoted to editor of Computec Media’s Dreamcast World magazine and on at least £34,000 with an additional £500 to spend on the company credit card each month if things had turned out like they were SUPPOSED TO blah blah blah***

Tomorrow: A screenshot of Kasumi’s Xbox knickers!

A SCREENSHOT OF TINA’S AMAZING BREASTS

***blah blah blah blah write some filler copy to go in here, no one will bother reading it ***blah blah blah blah write some filler copy to go in here, no one will bother reading it***blah blah blah blah write some filler copy to go in here, no one will bother reading it***blah blah blah blah write some filler copy to go in here, no one will bother reading it***

Tomorrow: A screenshot of Kasumi’s amazing breasts!

AN UPDATE ABOUT TRAINS THAT ISN’T VERY GOOD, BUT WE PUT A LOT OF EFFORT INTO IT SO ARE GOING TO USE IT ANYWAY

Can you believe there’s an add-on pack called London and the South East Trains? We always knew PC gamers were old and weird and into fringe activities (trains, planes, the grooming and subsequent murder of nine-year-olds), but simulating south-east London’s 1970s rail infrastructure surely marks the nadir of pursuits for men who have opted out and given up hope of ever being perceived as normal by society.

“Your journey can start from Charing Cross, Cannon Street, Blackfriars / Holborn Viaduct (it was a terminus in 1970!) or London Bridge. You’ll travel down the South Central line to Norwood Junction, Selhurst and onto East Croydon seeing East Croydon station as it was before it was rebuilt in the 1970s”

If you look closely you can just see our demoralised face reflecting in the window, having just missed the 09:00 to London Bridge and heard the announcement that the 09:07 is delayed by 15 minutes. We are texting work fully aware that this sounds like a lie to cover a hangover sleep-in, while contemplating what difference it would really make to the world if we threw ourselves on the rails (then lay there for 21 minutes) and gave up*.



FROM THE PEOPLE THAT BOUGHT YOU:
German Airports 4
German Railroads V2
Spanish Airports inc Madrid
And many, many more.

*Intended as a joke, not a cry for help. Please don’t email in saying how you too consider throwing yourself on the train tracks every day. We already know you do. That’s why you’re here.

WHAT GAME SHALL WE GET OBSESSED ABOUT NEXT?

It’s fun being obsessed about games again, so much better than automatically hating everything and pretending we’re hard. We don’t want to lose this feeling! So now OutRun2’s out, what upcoming game shall we unreasonably hype up and refuse to accept any negative criticism of?

We’ve compiled a shortlist of seven potential obsessions — the one with the most votes gets a ludicrous and obsessive amount of coverage in the run-up to its release.

Vote now!

Obsession Vote!

What game shall we get obsessed about next?
Shining Tears
Spikeout Battlestreet
Starship Troopers (Jacques soundtrack)
Sega Rally 2005
Super Monkey Ball DX
Project Rub (aka Feel the Magic: XY-XX)
Dead or Alive: Ultimate
Or suggest your own!


View current results
free polls and surveys @ www.votations.com

(PR people: If you’d like us to fix the results of this vote and coordinate your next online viral marketing capaign for a suprisingly modest fee, get in touch).

AN AMAZING PHOTO OF CHERYL TWEEDY! (AND A SLIGHTLY BELOW-AVERAGE JOKE)

It’s a new Employee of the Week, uploaded almost precisely one week after the last one in keeping with the supposed weekly remit. We’re at a loss as to the reason for this new-found enthusiasm.

THIS MONTH’S EDGE MAGAZINE — WORTH BUYING!

No, not because of “the redesign”, but thanks to an amazing six-page interview with Dominik Diamond and When Games Attack producer Johnny Ffinch. It features the three things we love most; (1) Swearing, (2) Dave ‘Games Animal’ Perry and (3) unfounded and potentially libellous comments.

Here are a few Dom nuggets from Edge 143:

  • “The problem is that Iain Lee has an utter absence of charm”
  • “I have more respect for suicide bombers than I do for the people who are involved with Gamezville… it’s all fucking ‘Yo mate…’ I mean these guys can’t even speak fucking English”
  • “I’m appalled by the lack of writing and intelligence in games magazines in general”
  • “I think he’s sucking old mens cocks for pennies”
  • “Don’t ever ask kids what they think about games. We did that on the first series of GamesMaster. They know nothing”
  • Buy Edge magazine! It’s great! We secretly loved it all along!

    FREE TIPS BOOK!
    Yes, that’s right! Free with today’s UKR is this unmissable tips book! One really long page with everything you need to beat today’s biggest games! We BUST OPEN OutRun2! We SOLVE Doom III! We play Fable until we WANT TO CUT OURSELVES OPEN AND DIE! Only in today’s UKR! For free!


    OutRun2 FULL PLAYERS GUIDE

    COURSE 1

    Turn left, go straight, turn right, turn right, turn left, turn right, turn right, turn left, go straight, cross line.

    COURSE 2

    Turn right, turn left, go straight, turn right, go straight, turn left, go straight, turn right, turn right, turn right, cross line.

    COURSE 3

    Turn right, turn left, turn right, go straight, turn left, turn left, go straight, turn right, turn left, go straight, cross line.

    COURSE 4

    Go straight, turn right, turn right, turn left, turn right, turn left, go straight, turn right, turn left, go straight, cross line.

    COURSE 5

    Turn right, go straight, turn left, turn left, go straight, turn right, turn left, go straight, turn right, turn right, turn left, go straight, cross line.

    COURSE 6

    Turn left, go straight, turn left, go straight, turn left, go straight, turn right, turn left, go straight, cross line.

    COURSE 7

    Turn right, turn left, go straight, turn right, turn right, turn left, turn left, go straight, turn right, turn left, go straight, cross line.

    COURSE 8

    Turn left, go straight, turn right, turn left, go straight, turn right, turn left, go straight, turn right, turn left, go straight, cross line.

    COURSE 9

    Turn right, go straight, turn left, go straight, turn right, turn right, turn left, go straight, turn left, go straight, turn right, cross line.

    COURSE 10

    Turn left, go straight, turn right, turn left, go straight, turn right, turn left, go straight, turn right, turn left, go straight, cross line.

    COURSE 11

    Turn left, go straight, turn right, turn left, go straight, turn right, turn left, go straight, cross line.

    COURSE 12

    Turn left, go straight, turn left, turn left, go straight, turn right, turn left, go straight, turn right, turn left, go straight, cross line.

    COURSE 13

    Turn right, turn left, turn right, go straight, turn left, go straight, turn right, turn right, turn left, turn left, go straight, cross line.

    COURSE 14

    Turn right, turn left, go straight, turn left, turn left, go straight, turn left, turn left, go straight, cross line.

    COURSE 15

    Turn right, go straight, turn left, go straight, turn right, turn right, turn left, turn left, go straight, turn right, cross line.

    OUTRUN 2 MISSION MODE

    Mission 1

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 2

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 3

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 4

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 5

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 6

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 7

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 8

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 9

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 10

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 11

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 12

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 13

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 14

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 15

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 16

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 17

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 18

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 19

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 20

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 21

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 22

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 23

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 24

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 25

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 26

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 27

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 28

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 29

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 30

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 31

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 32

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 33

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 34

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 35

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 36

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 37

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 38

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 39

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 40

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 41

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 42

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 43

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 44

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 45

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 46

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 47

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 48

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 49

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 50

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 51

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 52

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 53

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 54

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 55

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 56

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 57

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 58

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 59

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 60

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 61

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 62

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 63

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 64

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 65

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 66

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 67

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 68

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 69

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 70

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 71

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 72

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 73

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 74

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 75

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 76

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 77

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 78

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 79

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 80

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 81

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 82

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 83

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 84

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 85

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 86

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 87

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 88

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 89

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 90

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 91

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 92

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 93

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 94

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 95

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 96

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 97

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 98

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 99

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 100

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    Mission 101

    Do what it says on the Mission screen.

    DOOM III COMPLETE WALKTHROUGH

    Shoot enemy. Open door, shoot other enemy. Open door, shoot other enemy. Open door, shoot other enemy. Turn corner, shoot two enemies. Open door, shoot other enemy. Open door, shoot other enemy, shoot two enemies. Open door, shoot other enemy. Open door, shoot other enemy. Turn corner, shoot two enemies. Open door, shoot other enemy, shoot other enemy, open door, shoot everything, turn corner, enter room and shoot all enemies. Turn corner, shoot two enemies. Open door, shoot other enemy, turn right. Enter room. Shoot all three enemies. Open next door. Shoot all four enemies. Open next door. Shoot all five enemies. Open next door. Shoot all six enemies. Turn corner, shoot three enemies. Open door, shoot other enemy, shoot other enemy, open door, walk forwards for ages, shoot everything, turn corner, enter room and shoot all enemies. Exit through door on right. Shoot enemies, walk forwards, shoot more enemies. Turn corner, shoot two enemies. Open door, shoot other enemy, turn right. Shoot all three enemies. Open next door. Shoot all four enemies. Battle big monster thing in arena bit. Exit to the right. Shoot all three enemies. Open next door. Shoot all four enemies. Walk forwards, shoot two enemies. Open door, shoot other enemy, shoot other enemy, open door, shoot everything, turn corner, enter room and shoot all enemies. Walk forwards, turn right. Open door, shoot other enemy. Open door, shoot other enemy, shoot two enemies. Fight boss.

    FABLE WALKTHROUGH

    Talk to man. Talk to woman. Talk to child. Attempt to kill chicken. Talk to man. Talk to woman. Go into house. Leave village. Enter village. Talk to man. Talk to woman. Talk to man. Enter bar. Talk to man. Talk to child. Talk to woman. Talk to child. Follow child. Talk to man. Talk to woman. Talk to everyone in entire village. Enter house. Complete mission. Talk to woman. Do mission she sets you. Talk to man, do his request. Exit village. Enter village. Enter pub. Talk to all people in pub. Do Pub Mission 3. Battle boss. Talk to woman. Collect Magic Leaves. Fight boss. Talk to monster. Get item. Take item to man. Give man item. Get other item in return. Return item to special place. Receive magic token. Insert magic token. Talk to woman. Get item. Give item to man. Explore village for man’s lost thing. Find thing. Return thing to man and get reward. Talk to child. Follow child. Abduct child. Take child home. Chain child to radiator. Regret actions, but realise things have already gone too far. Attempt to convince child it was meant as a joke. Try to calm child by making silly faces. Lose temper and do very bad thing. Panic. Leave house. Talk to villager. Pretend everything is OK. Join in with the search for child. Pretend you’re very upset and woried about child. Comfort child’s mother. Return to house. Wrap object in carpet. Place object in boot of car. Return to house. Clean house. Clean house again. Clean house again. Take off clothes. Burn clothes. Remove partially burnt clothes from bin and flush down toilet. Leave house. Get in car. Drive to woods. Remove object in carpet from boot. Examine shovel. Pick up shovel. Use shovel. Place object in hole. Use shovel. Get in car. Drive to house. Enter house. Remove clothes. Burn clothes. Leave house. Clean car. Clean car again. Talk to neighbour. Reassure neighbour. Sell car. Sell house. Move out of village. Change name. Grow beard. Grow old. End.

    SCHEDULED DOWN TIME

    As usual, we shall be sobbing into a pillow in a fit of unfocused rage and frustration from 02:00 until 03:30 on the morning of Saturday October 30.

    OTHER THINGS MEN DO TO PASS THE TIME:

    #1: Just sort of stand there reading magazines.

    This photo turned out much better than expected and taking it was even more thrilling than the shoplifting we'd originally planned

    We used to do this most lunch times, back when magazines and women with Photoshop thighs were exciting. Nowadays we don’t read anything written by anyone else due to a recently-developed inability to see or experience the humour of others.

    AN AMAZING PHOTO OF GWEN STEFANI! (AND A JOKE ABOUT NOT HAVING ANYTHING IN COMMON WITH WOMEN)

    Here’s something else we haven’t done for ages, but now we’re off the heroin (clean for five weeks now!) feel strong enough to face again. It’s Employee of the Week! And no, we’re not aiming it at anyone in particular, especially not you.