UK:Resistance has become the latest victim of the underground piracy scene as an unreleased update planned for later in the week was spotted circulating on ‘warez’ newsgroups today, just hours after its completion. The hilarious update, featuring a satirical slant at free tips books, took several minutes of painstaking work to complete. It is unclear how the early release will impact on the effectiveness of the piece.

It’s going to be *this* exciting:

Mum’ll like it. That’s her old car.

Remember when we used to have fun? When it was just you and us, baby, you and us against the world? When we didn’t care? Before all this, this, SHIT got in the way and spoiled everything? Before we got worried that we’re not living the right kind of life and started spending all our money on nice lamps instead of games? When we used to mess around and do things like Dave and Maureen’s Double Entendre Masterclass? When dropshadows seemed like a really cool effect for web site logos? We’ll never be that innocent again.

Thanks to a reader. Not us. We didn’t do this. A reader did. Someone who’s not us. Someone called Joshua. He’s the real sicko, not us. We’re just reporting on it impartially, like the police who investigate porn without taking it home and enjoying it.

Do you also have an interest in the objectification of women AND video games? If so, we can probably be friends.

Sales of XBOX hit an all-time high in Japan this week, as the console burst through the 100 installed users barrier. “Breaking through the 100 barrier shows Xbox is beating the Sega Dreamcast to become the clear eleventh choice console in the region” said Microsoft of Japan CEO Kazuhiro Takana.

The lucky buyer of the 100th Japanese Xbox Mr Tetsuya Igaka proudly recieves his Xbox from Microsoft CEO Bill Gates.

The 101st Xbox is sold later the very same day to Mr K Okasan, topping a record-breaking sales week for the format holder in the Asian territory.

Check it out. We did our first bit of mobile phone camera stalking. It’s of a woman eating a Sonic Heroes-branded McDonalds Happy Meal on the tube, oblivious to the discomfort, disgust and anger of her fellow passengers.

Still, it was nice to see Sonic back where be belongs — the smiling face that sells mass-produced reconstitued mechanically separated meat to kids.

Now our confidence is up, next week is ESCALATOR UPSKIRT WEEK.

WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? Triple F.

Sega Superstars — We are sorry about that
Back in April or so we sort of inferred that Sega Superstars and EyeToy was responsible for making all games rubbish, and would somehow bring about the End Times of video games.

IT WAS A BIT HARSH

Having played Sega Superstars for ages we’re happy to put the record straight and highlight how, like, totally ace it is, mainly because you can BE NiGHTS (the world’s first metrosexual?) and there’s all-new material from Ulala.

Sega sent us this. It’s fo’ real. You might like to make yourself momentarily really happy by putting your hand over the top/middle bit and imagining it’s from a 99% complete beta version of Dreamcast NiGHTS that’s just leaked onto Bittorrent.

Sega Superstars/EyeToy NiGHTS in full, astonishing, hands-in-the-air effect. Fat developer blushes saved by Photoshop-inserted girl (top).

Look at how much fun she’s having! It’s clearly the best thing she’s ever experienced, ever! It’s like she’s on a rollercoaster, only it’s a chocolate rollercoaster that she gets to eat on her own afterwards with no one looking or keeping track of how much she’s eating. If boring old girls like Sega Superstars that much, imagine how much you’ll like it!

50. If we like it it must be good, because we don’t usually get excited or carried away about Sega games.

49. It’s made by a company that isn’t owned by EA yet.

48. The Mission bit is made by some nice, friendly British people who go into web forums and politely answer even the most boring of questions from the biggest of idiots.

47. No members of the UK Garage Scene contributed to the game’s audio.

46. It hasn’t got an EA Trax soundtrack.

45. It has got a Sega soundtrack.

44. Although Magical Sound Shower is an incredible piece of music, it’s Splash Wave that emerges as the real standout track after you’ve heard it for the 50th time in a row.

43. It also has the “aural sensations” of Richard Jacques who managed to remix Magical Sound Shower and make it better.

42. It comes with the original 1986 Splash Wave and Richard Jacques’ Splash Wave Euro Mix.

41. If you’re obsessed with Richard Jacques (we’re not) you need this game to put in your Richard Jacques cupboard where you keep mint, unopened copies of all the games Rich has ever worked on.

40. It looks THIS GOOD:

39. The powerslide feel is perfect. Just perfect.

38. The scenery is fantastic.

37. Our girlfriend is going to be playing it on Xbox Live, which means there’ll be at least one girl playing it on Xbox Live.

36. We’ll be playing it on Xbox Live at the same time, so you’ll be able to listen to how angry we get as a constant stream of barely literate 40-year-old men ask her if she’s really a girl, how big her tits are, has she got a webcam and does she want to have their Messenger ID.

35. We hate Xbox Live and everyone on it. The fact that we’re prepared to sail the sea of wankers to play OutRun2 speaks volumes.

34. We’ve been practising offline for months now, which will make it all the more satisfying when you beat us on your first go.

33. There’s no voice-masking feature in Xbox Live OutRun2.

32. It’s a bit jerky online sometimes, but that’s probably your router’s fault.

31. The single-player Mission mode is very big, and rewards you with cars, music, new tracks and Ferrari trivia, while simultaneously teaching you how to race the tracks to an incredibly high standard. It is a work of genius.

30. Edge magazine said “OutRun2’s heady caricature of driving is some kind of high-water mark for how much beautifully slick, instantly fluid and, thanks to the excellent use of joypad rumble, gloriously tangible play can be squeezed into five minutes of flamboyant autoerotica” which is a flowery and pretentious way of saying the CENTRAL EDGE BRAIN thinks it’s good.

29. Steve Williams only gave it 6/10 in Xbox World, which is good because Steve likes those boring rally and F1 games where you have to slow down for corners and worry about tyres not being the right kind of tyres.

28. OutRun2 doesn’t feature the commentary of Mark Blundell calculating how many kilos of fuel you need to get to the end of the race. If it did, Steve probably would’ve given it at least a seven.

27. Braking before corners actually makes you go round them faster.

26. If you want to experience a world governed by Sega rules like this, BUY IT.

25. Sometimes it looks THIS GOOD:

24. Xbox Gamer said “It’s the sequel we’ve waited a lifetime for” which is great because the people at Xbox Gamer really know what they’re on about, especially now the magazine isn’t as shit as it was a year ago (when it was, without question, the worst games magazine of all time).

23. GamesMaster gave it 78%, coming to the conclusion that it’s “pedestrian and one dimensional” and not as good as Burnout 3. However, all its 13 review screenshots show the same car being driven really badly, so it’s safe to say they didn’t really get the whole concept of the thing and that score can therefore be ignored.

22. Also, the man who reviewed it for GM also reviewed real-time strategy game Warhammer 40,000: Dawn of War and gave that 90%, so it’s obviously another case of a freelance PC boffin being handed an arcade game to review and not really knowing which way up to hold the controller or how to play games in real-time.

21. GamesMaster also gave Werewolf: The Legend Begins on mobile phone 80%, which means they think the thing below is 2% better than OutRun2. It clearly isn’t.

20. XBM gave it 9/10, and its screenshots show they unlocked the Daytona 2 tracks so definitely know what they’re on about.

19. Stuart Campbell likes it, and he doesn’t like anything (especially if it’s got Aspartame in it).

18. According to copyright-infringing trade magazine MCV, the other Xbox games out this week are Psi-Ops, Obscure, Rocky Legends and seven Club Footballs.

17. Dukes of Hazzard 3 is also out. But that obviously doesn’t count.

16. If you’ve already downloaded it and enjoyed it, it’s your duty to buy it. Otherwise Sega will, in the short term, run out of money and have to resort to only making pachinko machines…

15. …while in the long term, Sega will have to only make EA Sports-branded pachinko machines, while a bunch of untalented Canadians will end up making NiGHTS 2006 for PSP.

14. Seriously. It’s OK to download games from Activision and EA and Edios, seeing as they’re all evil and soulless and no one cares if they die because they’ll be replaced by equally evil, soulless corporations within seconds. But you have to buy something this important from Sega. If you have to ask why you shouldn’t be here.

13. Then, that cock from the Sunday Times will look an ever bigger mong when OutRun2 is crowned the biggest selling Xbox game of all-time!

12. It’s got the Scud Race and Daytona USA 2 tracks in, which, although they’re quite jerky, loads more rubbish than we remember and don’t feel right seeing as you’re racing around them in the wrong kind of cars, is still quite a cool thing.

11. Sega promised to send us a soundtrack CD. It hasn’t arrived yet, but we’re sure this is just a simple case of forgetfulness and not a deliberate attempt to renege on a promise.

10. It’s fun.

9. It’s happy.

8. It’s pretty.

7. It has personality.

6. It’s got loads to unlock.

5. There are no car “modding” options and you race for fun, not to earn the “respect” of a fictional gangland figure.

4. It works quite well on Xbox Live, unlike Burnout 3 other games we could mention.

3. The moonwalking flag man (see earlier).

2. It’s the most Sega-est Sega game since Crazy Taxi.

1. If this game isn’t a hit then, well, it’s pretty much all over for the games industry as far as we’re concerned, because no way do we want to spend every year for the rest of our lives reviewing Need for Speed sequels and city-based crime games.

That’s the sort of question that pops up when playing Sega games, where every pixel counts. And guess what? Even the flag man in OutRun2 is great. See him dance and stretch for you. It’s like he’s still capable of being happy and carefree and is the only person whose life isn’t touched by a constant and unbearable sadness.

And away we go! Surely the flag man has outlived his purpose, and will simply stand there as the racers fly off into the distance?

But no! This is Sega! The flag man starts exercising for the benefit of people like us who want to examine every pixel of all Sega games.

Now he starts hopping on his right foot! Can it get better than this?

YES! He’s hopping on his LEFT FOOT!

Now he’s stretching down to his right. We’re not being sarcastic, by the way, we genuinley find this entertaining, amusing and are pleased that this happens. It’s these sweet little touches that made Sega great in the first place and we’re so happy that even in these miserable, mainstream gaming times, Sega can still get things like this past the focus group. If our hearts were still capable of displaying joy we’d be weeping with happiness.

Now he sort of bends forward…

…then embarks upon a series of star jumps. The flag man STAR JUMPS! How could that prick from The Sunday Times (Daniel Emery — find him and kill him) only give this game 1/5 when the fucking flag man does fucking star jumps? How much more does a game have to give?

Now, get this — he MOONWALKS off the screen!

Right off the screen!

Then he moonwalks back into view…

…and ends with a triumphant spin. We imagine he’s grabbing his groin. We certainly are. Triple A.