This is the bottom. The absolute bottom. Touch it. It’s solid. It is not possible to go any lower than this. It makes the update about the SEGA carpet seem as exciting as smoking crack with Kate Moss.

“Just copied of a random site… it’s sonic related and therefore incredibly relevant. Do with it what you please.. save it for your “private time” or share it with your readers. If you should against better judgement post the pic, keep my name out of it. I’ve got a family to think of – Anonymous Random Goth Photo Searcher.”

“Saw this outside an internet bar in Chang An China, the middle of nowhere, borderline third world place where the sweatshops spread as far as the eye can see. Thankfully Sonic is there to brighten up the workers 14 hours days! – Chris.”

Borderline. Hard to say with any certainty. But if we absolutely had to decide and express the answer in binary, this would be a 01 – if only because 1 looks like it’d put up less of a struggle so we’d be out of there sooner.

We have waited this long to feature the photos not out of laziness, but to avoid raising awareness of the game during its launch period.

The last thing we want to do is fall into some Sony-sponsored PR trap.

Remember – £25 for a demo is NOT a good use of your money.

“While being dragged around B&Q by the Girlfriend I came across a shower that made the trip worth while… well, almost worthwhile.”

“Behold the Dreamcast Shower! Wash Away that dirty Sony feeling!”

“The price was quite reasonable too, especially when you consider that while doing a Rocky Push-up in the shower you can be hypnotised by the magical swirl – Midgetcorrupter.”

Rocky Push-up? Is that what the kids call wanking nowadays? Or is it a type of sex?

This is what happens when women in their early 60s in small villages proof read the pages before they’re sent to press. Spotted by “Mark” who is still alive and well, but doesn’t send any regards.

It’s a Sonic Mountain Quest Cheap Plastic Christmas Present!

Buy it, put it in the loft. Then your grandchildren can callously bin it when they’re clearing out the house to sell a mere 12 hours after you’ve died.

Or just don’t buy it. Spend the money on something useful, like a nice bit of beef for Sunday.

By “nice bit of beef” we mean some meat for dinner, not a cheap prostitute.

“It has not been used as it has only been stored by a collector, not a child!” says the eBay listing. We already knew that.

Only a collector would know the value and importance of supplying a photograph of the almost entirely featureless rear of the machine.

That looks like 1982. Surely Sonic The Hedgehog wasn’t invented by Tomy in 1982 and then subsequently licensed by SEGA in 1989?

It’s OK. Any good collector knows that we’ll be needing a close-up of the game description text.

There you go.

It was on eBay along with some pinball thing. The listing has finished, which is probably for the best. We all have way too much of this kind of shit already.

“He’s a little battered, but still kicking. The place I found him was spotless in terms of rubbish laying around. I think we all know why – Mengzor.”

“Sonic clearly wasn’t putting much effort into his 2008 London Marathon run, otherwise he would have done it well under one hour… – Gavin.”

“Dear Sega Superstar Tennis Monthly, I was wandering around London on Marathon day, watching the sweaty people stagger by, when a banner caught my eye.”

“It seemed to be saying that Sonic would be running, which is a bit daft as he’s clearly got a massive non-human freaky genetic advantage. However, in the distance I noticed a strange blue dot that grew rapidly into Sonic.”

“My friend managed to grab a few blurry pictures as he flew by. And I figured you grow too old for this shit. I guess they made him start a couple of hours after everyone else to make it fair.”

“I also made him take pictures of this strange old man carrying a load of balloons saying kids.”

“I kind of hope that it isn’t some kind of charity based acronym but instead he’s just a very pro-active paedo. Here’s hoping – Sig.”