It’s a small tent. In Germany. Full of Xbox 360s playing FIFA World Cup. And it’s dark out. And the only two women in attendance have gone outside to talk to more interesting people on their mobile phones, which is what strangely happens when we’re near women too.

We just wanted to share this photograph. There is no funny caption. There could NEVER be a funny caption about this, not even if the writers of Planes, Trains and Automobiles and Larry David got together and worked on it for a whole month.

That’s what the man said, but we still made him take some photos of it anyway because it’s a thing with Sonic on that we’ve never seen:

To this day, we still don’t understand how fruit machines work. Why, for example, is that bit flashing and saying ‘multiplier’? What button do you press now? There are never any instructions on them. How do people learn these things? Is it the sort of skill you only learn in prison, like how to hotwire a car and how to make methamphetamine from household products?

Eight pounds was probably quite a lot of money in 1992. We can’t remember, due to being really young. Like, maybe only 20 or 21 if Vixen, Siren or any girls on MySpace want to know.

Some new girl gaming clan mash-up splinter-group side-project thing involving everyone’s favourite Frag Doll and some other girl thing we recognise from a million internet forums has sent in a video clip of them wearing sexy gloves and looking at the camera – as if they might be looking at us!

This kind of reverse anticipatory stalking is confusing and has put us on the defensive. Still, we’ll power through as it’s pictures of girls:

It’s Vixen and Siren. It must be confusing being a girl on the internet and keeping track of all the pretend names you have to use to stop men finding you and killing you. They say they’re going to tell us what games to play. At least this time it won’t just be the UbiSoft back catalogue.

The game we’re thinking of playing at the moment is Put The Sausage In That One’s Mouth While That One Feels Our Bottom And Says We’re Really Nice And Funny. You can see them ACTUALLY WALKING AND TALKING LIKE THEY’RE LOOKING AT YOU here.

AND THERE’S A PROPER GALLERY THEY MADE PROBABLY JUST FOR US BECAUSE THEY SECRETLY THINK WE’RE REALLY COOL:
The proper gallery.

The fantasy scenario we’ve built up in our heads around the above photo is this: They’re both trying to look as sexy as possible to make us like them, and if there’s no clear winner we can have both.

Hugging a man in a Portugal strip, while wearing a Portugal scarf. Disgusting. Xbox 360 is now dead in England.

If you need to ask why, don’t and just go away.

We’ve had an amazing idea! We’re starting our own girl gaming group that won’t be shit like all the other girl gaming groups!
We’ve even drawn a logo:

Rules of Entry
To enter candidates must:
* E-mail a filled in version of the following form to us
* Provide at least one pic, preferably with gash out

We’ll do the rest.

The key facts of the matter are this: It don’t matter if PSP is black or white. It’s still shit and hasn’t got any games.

The other key fact is this: Might (left) and would. 7.5/10

Ever ever and also by miles. It’s a PRETEND INTERVIEW with Sonic The Hedgehog. This featured in The Sun, which is a bit like a newspaper for people who aren’t really that good at reading. Hey SEGA. You know that thing where random people on the internet just love you for no reason? THIS IS DESTROYING IT!

As a punishment for doing this, tomorrow we’re going to pick a Nintendo game at random and write something about how awesome it is. Every time SEGA does something rubbish from now on, we’ll do this. Until it learns.

A POINT ABOUT SONIC’S AGE
Sonic can’t be 15. His first game came out 15 years ago. So if he was 15, he would’ve been zero in 1991. This piece is LITTERED with inaccuracies.

A man saw Sonic badly painted on an ice cream van, and like one of daddy’s bravest and most favourite little soldiers he got out his camera, or phone, or one of those new ‘cameraphone’ hybrids that probably also has MP3 ringtones, and took a photo of it just for us and you.

This is it!

Then, like a very very GOOD BOY, he actually wrote some fan fiction based on his encounter! This is awesome. More people should send us photos and the subsequent fan fiction they inspire. Textbook reader submission. A+

CREAM SCREAMS FOR ICE CREAM

By Matt Smith

“Look! It’s Sonic!” shouts the innocent six-year-old girl. “Sonic and ice cream!”

Off she runs towards the blue hedgehog’s arms, blissfully unaware of the approaching danger while mummy’s back is turned. She can hear the sweet synthpop beats of Green Hill Zone playing in her mind. “Do do do do do do do do doooo. Do do do, Do do do, Dooo Dooo!”

But it’s not over-priced, no-brand-name ice cream she’s going to get. It’s far, far worse than that.

“Can I have a Cornetto?” she asks the evil, evil man.

“Why certainly little girl.” The evil man replies as he goes to his freezer.

“Oh what a shame”, he says. “I am afraid they are all gone.”

The little girl looks down at her little orange shoes and sobs.

“But if you come into my van I am sure we can find something together!” the evil man replies.

Without thinking she smiles and says “OK!”

The man opens the door. She climbs inside and at first everything seems normal. “Why don’t you have a look inside the freezer?” The man suggests with a rather large grin on his face below his circular glasses and orange moustache.

The little girl is feeling uneasy. She begins to realise her mistake. She slowly walks over to the freezer and takes a look inside…

‘What is this?’ She thinks to herself. ‘It looks like robot parts and…’

“NO!” She screams!

“MUHAHAHAHA!” The man laughs as he rips off his fake apron and hat.

“It’s… It’s… YOU!”

“That’s right!” He bellows. “It’s me, Dr Robotnik! And you have fallen right into my trap, Cream!”

“What do you want!” She shouts.

“Why, a hostage of course! With you in my clutches I know Sonic will bring the Chaos Emeralds to me!”

“You’re crazy Robotnik!” Cream cries. “Sonic’s gonna rescue me and stop you once and for all!”

“MUHAHAHAHA! We’ll see about that!” he shouts. And with that he handcuffs her to the freezer, starts the engine and speeds off far away into the distance, his evil theme tune music menacingly playing through the ice cream van’s speakers.

TO BE CONTINUED?
By this, we mean please write some stuff about Cream getting raped and then starting to enjoy it and then getting covered in spunk (ours, not your lumpy old muck) in the comments section.

We’re really getting into women’s feet these days. If a girl isn’t wearing sexy shoes, she’s not worth looking at twice or following home down a poorly-lit path.

“This little piggy went to… UP MY ARSE”

“…and this little piggy stayed at… IN MY HOT WANTING MOUTH”

“…this little piggy had SEXY TIGHTS PULLED OVER IT”

“… and this little piggy had FUCK-ME RED NAIL VARNISH ON IT”

“…and this little piggy got COVERED IN SPUNK, ALL THE WAY UP TO THE ANKLE BONE”

We’re out of our depth here. We just don’t know enough about foot fetish terminology to pull this off.

“Phwoar, nicely rounded balls”

Next week: Lara Croft’s DEFORMED FOOT NIGHTMARE.

Having slipped from 2005 to Christmas 2005 to New Year 2006 to February 2006 to First Quarter 2006 to just 2006, Sega’s killer app for retaking the MORPG market is now simply “2006 (planned).”

We could go on at length about how this sours our already semi-hostile feelings for online RPGs, but instead here is a picture of a pornographic parody of .hack that we found.

Obviously we didn’t laugh at it or anything, so don’t complain that we’re not cynical or hardcore enough any more.