Imagine a line graph, then imagine this at its very lowest point:

It’s an absolutely disgraceful game called “CarJacker: Hotwired and Gone” in which you play a black man in a vest who steals cars. If we’d made this up ourselves we’d be called MASSIVE RACISTS and would get on the front page of Metro. Things can only get better from now on for the video games industry, SURELY?

THE DEPTH-PLUMBING PRESS RELEASE:
IncaGold, the fast-growing publisher of PC leisure/entertainment games and mobile phone content, is pleased to announce the March release of “CarJacker: Hotwired and Gone” as part of IncaGold’s mass-market PC range in the UK, Ireland, Channel Islands and Isle of Man.

If you like your action fast, furious and dangerous then “CarJacker: Hotwired and Gone” will present you with a plethora of challenges to test your mettle and see if you have the ‘bottle’ to fit in and survive on the other side of the law.

Fast driving at the wheel of some seriously powerful cars, avoiding the cops, hand to hand fighting and even bribing those who could make your life easier are just a few of the necessities of a normal day but there are plenty out there who will make your life tougher than you wish!

They say that crime does not pay but hey, you could soon change that if you have the means to survive and get ahead. Ten missions of dramatic action come to life as you begin to work your way up the ladder of shady dealings. To furnish your life of crime what better way to grab some easy, extra cash than to ferry willing punters around the city in your own yellow cab? Sounds too mundane? Well, the more passengers you can get in 15 minutes of mad cap driving then the more cash you’ll earn but the police are on every corner watching and waiting for you to break the law and don’t forget to top up on the petrol and don’t knock over too many pedestrians!

Perform dangerous acts of car jacking, face up, fight and knuckle your way to success, and eventually seize power in the city by destroying the enemy gang. All of these and many other challenges could well take their toll if you are not tough, mean and astute.

Onscreen information, including city map, money counter, timer, health, felony and damage meters, are helpful tools to assist you in your goal for supremacy!

Fun addictive gameplay, with realistic simulated actions and colourful presentation, add up to one seriously compelling game but you must take care never to break the law … too many times!

Features include:

# Ten excellent missions, each with unique gameplay elements

# Mixed types of gameplay: action plus theft (TWO TYPES OF GAMEPLAY THEN, BOTH OF WHICH COULD REALLY BE CLASSED AS ‘ACTION’)

# Frequency scanner, wrench tool, picklock to help you carjack!

# Several luxury cars to steal

# 2 types of weapons (THIS IS JUST SPOILING US!)

# Hand-to-hand fighting

# Huge living city with lots of pedestrians & vehicle traffic

# When the going gets tough the tough get going (HOW IS THIS A FEATURE?)

“CarJacker: Hotwired and Gone” 16+ rating will be published by IncaGold and distributed by Pinnacle in March 2006.

This is from Alex and is amazing, as it clearly involved quite a lot of effort. It’s a very pleasing IGN-style review. Well done, Alex. You’re finally a WINNER at something!

The Godfather – The Game – The Review
By Randy Stankovicokowski

The Down Low

Of all the minority groups in the USA, perhaps the best-loved is the Italian. Sharp-suited, misogynistic and mono-browed, these greasy guys have always meant business. However, a shocking trend of recent games has seen the Italian race shunted over in favor of Black and Hispanic gangs. This is principally the fault of Rockstar North, who from their Scottsland base provide the top-grossing Grand Theft Auto games.

Thankfully, EA have seen fit to redress this balance by bringing us the Videogame adaptation of perhaps the best pictorial of the average Italian family to ever hit the celluloid: the Godfather Series. Scheduled for release in the fall of 2K6, this title is sure to sell like hot apple pies. Released on all the following formats – PlayStation 2, PlayStation 3, PSP, Xbox, Xbox 360 and Nokia N-Gage, there’s no way that any of you hardcore gamers will miss this game.

It Got Game!

You start off playing the role of Vito Corleone, famously played by Marvin Brando, before he got fat and died. Your primary role is to babble incomprehensibly at your sons to bring about the downfall of the other families, and scare small children with orange peels. You can also take control of Sonny and Michael Corleone, but not the other one because he was a bald weasel anyways.

The Sonny Missions

As mentioned above, Sonny is a playable character. I don’t know about you guys, but I was real bummed out when Sonny was gunned down by those rival wops at the toll booth. Well this game allows you to change the story by letting you shoot your way out of it! You can then continue to play the whole game as Sonny. The most notable difference of the Sonny missions is that you have James Can’s distinctive curly hair, and you walk like a wise guy! All the NPCS (non people characters) actually call you Sonny too!

The Michael Missions

As mentioned above, Michael is a playable character. I don’t know about you guys, but I was real bummed out when Michael went through all films without wearing a Hawaiian shirt and using grenade launchers. In a moment of original genius the guys at EA allow you to change clothes so you can look like Michael’s cousin, Tony Montana! Plus Giorgio Moroder has supplied one of his Scarface tracks for the film! You can play the whole game as Michael. The most notable difference of the Michael missions is that you have Al Pacino’s distinctive conservative hair, and you walk like a square! All the NPCS (non people characters) actually call you Michael too!

The Secret young Vito missions

Apparently there is a rumor circulation that you can also play the role of the young Vito, played by actual real life gang member Robert Deniro. Not much is known about it at this time, but EA’s PR representative. Kendra Drakanowisisiki, had this to say “The Godfather game WILL allow you to play as the young Vito. All I can say at this point is that the NPC’s will address the young Vito with his ACTUAL NAME. It’s advances like this that won EA IGN’s ‘Most Innovative Publisher’ award for the last 20 years.”

Graphics

The graphics on this game are just great. You can even see the bruises on Michael’s sisters arms! The game supports an impressive 700 FPS in Lo-res mode, and a none too shabby 16FPS in ‘HD Mode’, which takes advantage of Microsoft’s XBOX 360’s HDMI hybrid signal booster Component analog booster socket. It is rumored to be a killer app launch title for the PS3, and will fully support the PS3’s ultimate emotional processing unit which will allow Michael Corleone’s brows to furrow in real time. Sofia Coppola’s jagged teeth are also crisply rendered, along with Andy Garcia’s sneering face.

Gameplay

EA’s The Godfather – The Game borrows elements from the classic Italian Triollogy and adds a lot of new ones! The cars in the original Godfather were pretty lame, being old and not so fast. Well thanks to sponsorship from Chevrolet, Nissan and Subaru, you can now drive some of the latest and greatest cars in the new and original ‘race for preps’ section. Basically, when walking round the ‘envirosphere’ of the game you can actually steal Cheverolets Nissans and Subaru’s and then burn a rival family at the lights! The winner gets double preps which in turn increase their ‘Whack value’. Unfortunately these cars can’t be damaged though due to Chevrolet, Nissan and and Subaru not wanting their cars reflected in a bad light. However, you can still run over everyone in the game, and a well-placed sniper shot will blow your opponent’s car tyre out!

I spoke to EA’s PR representative, Vonda Kraziak about the versatility of this game, and she had this to say “It’s advances like this that won EA IGN’s ‘Most Innovative
Publisher’ award for the last 20 years.”

Summary

This game is the best EA game since Harry Potter. It’s just too awesome for words. Every one should have this game! It is rated Mature but it’s important to educate the young about slippery Italians, I think. Do your younger brother a favor and get this game! It’s almost worth it for the soundtrack, including tracks from Pimp Diddy and Big Daddy Fuckedup. I always use scores out of 10 for my reviews, because that’s what all the best reviewers do, and considering this is my 7th review I think that qualifies me.

Final Verdict

9.6/10

*^~Randy’s Game of the Month Award Winner – Gold~^*

HIGHLY COMMENDED RUNNER-UP:
Someone who calls themselves “Desk Desk” when on the internet emailed us a clip of the Adam and Joe radio show, where they talk about how The Godfather game rides roughshod over the grave of the movie. “Desk Desk” wins 50 UKR Respect Points. Alex gets the cards for the hot review, so has to take the massive risk of sending us details of where he lives.

Thanks for the free promotional The Godfather business cards, EA. You really ought to have someone check the requests before you get them printed up and sent out, though.

Yeah, have THAT EA! Feel our mild wrath! We’ll absorb your marketing budget, then slag the game off when it comes out. Without even playing it! It’s our standard two-pronged anti-PR technique. That’s what you get for not supporting the Dreamcast. Although, to be fair, we weren’t that upset about not getting to play FIFA 99, 00 and 01 at the time.

DO YOU WANT THEM?
If you want to own this unique piece of UKR memorabilia, simply email us in a review that’s you slagging off The Godfather game. It can be really short, or long and rambling and meaningless like on IGN. The best one wins.

Some days we feel like Sega is doing things specifically for our entertainment. Like today:

“Let’s get out the Sonic costume and do some photos for UKR!”

“They’re bound to do an update about this! I look so stupid! Ha ha ha! Look at me! I’m Sonic The Hedgehog!”

“Let me wear it for the next one!”

“Bend your knees more, Steve!”

Thanks, Sega. Next week, could you dress up like Cream The Rabbit and wee on us in the bath?

We’ve been sent photos of an amazing thing. It’s a… we can’t even tell. But it says SEGA on it, so is amazing. Now we’re going to have to source and buy one which usually takes a year and costs no less than 100 pounds, then ends in disappointment with us trying to pretend it’s better than it actually is.

“Thought you might like this one” says OFFICIAL UKR SEGA NEWS SCOUT Ivan. You’re damn right we like it, Ivan. WE LIKE IT A FUCKING LOAD! It’s like you’ve been reading our internet diary or something. Have you been reading our internet diary? Spying on us, Ivan? Only you seem to really know the sort of things we like. Funny that. Seems like a bit of a coincidence, mate. BACK OFF, OK? BACK OFF.

The name “translates as the ‘SEGA Body Action Game Souson Horse Racing'” Ivan says. Which means he knows a bit of Japanese. Yeah, now the tables have turned, Ivan. We’re spying on YOU. We’ve got your email address which means we know your surname. We might just start posting on the internet as “Ivan Mecking” making wildly inaccurate posts about your personal life and what you’re into. Like, we might sign up to Gaming-Age as “Ivan_Mecking” and post lots of messages asking for help installing Microsoft Flight Simulator 2005.

The quest to own one begins.

…-ographic DVD magazine cover:

They’re using a photo from about 1999, which brings back memories of spending two hours a day wanking over… anyway. We’ve said too much. People at work read this and we know our mums Google our names.

It’s easy, really. If you’ve got a blog or web site or magazine and are planning on taking screenshots of OutRun 2006 in the coming days or weeks, follow this handy guide to avoid embarrassing yourself by taking shit grabs of the world’s prettiest driving game.

We’ve used the PSP version here, but these rules also apply to the Xbox, PS2 and PC versions of OutRun 2006 Coast 2 Coast. Have fun!

OUTRUN 2006 SCREENSHOT TIPS:

1. No one likes to see cars going in straight lines down empty tracks, so make sure there are lots of other cars/lorries on the screen.

2. Slide a bit, so there’s smoke coming off the wheels and you can see more of the car. That’s immediately 50 percent more exciting! You slide by tapping ‘brake’ then releasing it and steering hard to one side, just in case you’ve only ever played Burnout and aren’t used to the concept of ‘steering’ to get round corners in driving games.

3. Get to the last section of track on the Hard route and take a screenshot of it, so people know you’ve played it enough to get really good at it. Catching it when it flashes text across the screen makes it even better, but that’s advanced stuff we’ll go into at a later date.

4. Take one of the car going up to the line. It’s always pretty, and doesn’t even require any gaming skill at all!

5. Get some from the in-car view. It’s hard to play like this, so you will earn the respect of your readers. And it lets geeks examine the road textures.

6. Take one of the crazy mini games and Heart Attack stuff. More stuff happens on screen, so it looks more exciting still!

7. Mini games. If you’re struggling with all this, send us an email and we’ll do it for you. We’re the world’s number one authority on taking amazing screenshots of OutRun, and we’ll happily do it for you for nothing.

8. Feel free to use these ones, even if you’re a web site or magazine we usually hate, like, say, Edge. Or… no, we were thinking of Edge again. The whole community needs to pull together in times of OutRun games coming out. We even saved these ones at JPEG compression quality 6, which is higher than usual, so they’ll come out OK.

9. Beautiful! We might do some Xbox and PS2 screenshots soon, just for fun.

10. Is this enough to get the message across?

11. This is the absolutely last one. Remember to take a grab of your car crashing.

12. That’s definitely it now. You MUST take one of the radio music select screen. Basic stuff, admittedly, but some people need to be told this shit.

13. The ‘SUBTEXT’ to all this is that the game looks really amazing on PSP. That’s the idea behind the update. It’s like a visual review.

14. Don’t make us have to tell you again.

Well done on giving OutRun 2006 Coast 2 Coast 8/10, but you could’ve made a bit more effort taking the bloody screenshots.

Look at this. It’s a car, going down an empty road in a straight line. That’s the EXACT OPPOSITE of what OutRun 2006 is about. Well done! You drove five seconds down the first track! What amazing OR skills! We’d better watch out if we ever meet the GamesTM staff on Xbox Live!

OutRun gives you so much amazing detail, effects and scenery to play with, and this is the best you can do? We’re embarrassed on the team’s behalf. Looking at this dull screenshot makes us blush with shame for the entire games magazine publishing industry. We didn’t buy this issue, by the way. We found it on someone else’s desk. We have to make that EXTREMELY CLEAR.

It’s another car, going down another empty road in another straight line. You only get ONE CHANCE to take screenshots of OutRun 2006 in your WHOLE LIFE, and THIS is the best you can do? Such a waste! It’s being PRINTED IN A MAGAZINE for god’s sake. The British Library saves a copy of EVERY magazine ever printed – FOR EVER! So put some effort into it.

The GamesTM team pushing their straight-line-driving skills to the MAX once again, this time driving down the first track for 20 seconds! This is not how it should be done.

SEE ME AFTER SCHOOL
Come back tomorrow for our OutRun 2006 screenshot masterclass. You all need it, although it’s sadly too late for GamesTM to avoid making an embarrassing mess.

Sega could do anything in the early 1990s, such was the dominance of the Mega Drive. It was, dear children, a bit like the PlayStation2 of its day. Everyone knew its name, everyone wanted one, even the Game Gear was a bit cool like PSP and its TV adverts were stylish and much talked about. But sometimes power goes to your head…

…leading to the series of adverts that ran in Viz. Viz is a comic book for grown ups (students) full of the sort of sick, gutter humour we simply cannot stand. Sega went so far as to create its own special ads to fit in with the Viz style.

They’re not what traditionalists would call “funny”, and even in 1992 the idea of “waggling a joystick” being a bit like having a wank was a very old joke. Besides, the Mega Drive pad had a little d-pad not a THROBBING SHAFT so it’s not even based on reality.

Sega doesn’t piss in the snow, it pisses in the *wind*.

Nowadays it’s all viral marketing web sites. How we miss proper adverts with prices on. Thanks so SEGA SCOUT “No. 7” for the images, which appear to be scans.

On the one hand we’re as excited as a 12-year-old boy having his first wank over seeing Kylie’s knickers on Top of the Pops, on the other we’re worried about how much work we’re going to be generating for ourselves:

We should just give it 10/10 now and have done with it. But that wouldn’t be any fun, would it?

Great to have it back. Like the first prescription beaker of methadone in the morning. More totally unnecessarily over-the-top drugs analogies soon.

THE UK:R OUTRUN 2006 PLAN OF ACTION:

Uploading loads of PSP screenshots

Taking the piss out of GamesTM’s review

Uploading loads of Xbox screenshots

A bullet-pointed review of all three versions (PC excluded due to not ever being able to make PC games load/work/look good)

Homoerotic Flag Man “bear” fan fiction