She’s a whole three course meal of lovely! Plus she’s quite “ample” so there’s enough of her to feed a whole 747 of starving men, should Flight 844 go down on a mountain due to blizzard conditions.

We’ll bite her lips off first, as a sort of starter. They’re OK to eat raw. Although seeing as she’s 20, pretty, and used to work in Top Shop, she’s bound to be riddled with STDs so we might have to pasteurise them first to be safe.

Then we’ll have a couple of slices of belly. It’s fatty meat, a bit like duck. She’s got enough to go round. She’s almost like a real woman!

Eyeballs for pudding, like being on holiday in France.

She’ll probably have died from blood loss by now so the rest of her can go in the freezer for special occasions, like when we celebrate a successful piece of social interaction.

We got it this morning and haven’t been able to stop playing it:

It’s has that “just one more go” addictive feeling! 10/10.

The ideal Valentine gift from yourself, to yourself. Stay tuned for exclusive hands-on video and pics.

Let’s address some obvious male workplace issues by pretending they’re really deep and important and having a conference!

If anyone would like to sponsor one of these conferences, please get in touch. We’re ideally looking to spend at least five days in a nice hotel somewhere in America.

MEN IN HAIRDRESSING CONFERENCE
Men are MASSIVELY UNDER-REPRESENTED in the hairdressing industry. This is SHAMEFUL DISCRIMINATION! We must immediately discuss ways of making more men into hairdressers. For this conference we’ll spend four days in a nice hotel in San Francisco or Los Angeles, hedging around the really obvious fact that most men JUST DON’T LIKE being hairdressers.

MEN IN DEPILATION CONFERENCE
It’s a DISGRACE that the UK hair-removal industry isn’t composed of a 50:50 ratio between male and female workers. This five-day conference in New York or Washington DC will address ways more men can be FORCED AGAINST THEIR WILL into doing jobs they don’t particularly like just so that it looks more balanced.

MALE DINNERLADIES CONFERENCE
Why aren’t there more male dinnerladies? Is it because the men don’t like cooking and wearing hair nets much? It can’t be that simple! So let’s get lots of people to give talks about other reasons they’ve just thought up, for about five days in a nice hotel in Vancouver.

THE ‘WHY DON’T WOMEN LIKE PORN?’ CONFERENCE
Approximately 90 percent of porn viewers are male. This is UNBALANCED and discriminatory. At this conference we’ll force women to watch porn until they bloody well start liking it as much as we do. We plan on holding this conference in Paris, so we can use French porn. French girls are hairy, but thin and cute in the face.

The American Frag Dolls are addressing the (Ubisoft sponsored) Women in Games International thing, where lots of frumpy old women will pretend there’s a reason more women don’t work in games other than the REALLY OBVIOUS ONE about “computers” being boring to most of them.

There’s no conspiracy, ladies, it’s just that little girls would rather learn about make-up and hairdressing than how to compile C++ code and develop portable code for the Maya platform.

Here’s the press release, plus a JOKE BIT we added at the bottom.

All Female Game Team Leads Roundtable Discussion

Thursday, February 9, 2006–San Francisco, CA–Women in Games International, a non-profit organization in the interactive entertainment industry, today announced the addition of the Frag Dolls as speakers at their next conference, Women in Games International-San Francisco. The Frag Dolls are an all-female video game team sponsored by global game publisher Ubisoft.

Women in Games International-San Francisco, titled “Games for Women, Games by Women” is scheduled on Saturday, February 18 from 1 pm to 6 pm at the Fort Mason Conference Center in San Francisco. This conference addresses the myth that women don’t “do” games by discussing statistics, game genres and careers in game development. Frag Dolls members Morgan Romine (“Rhoulette), Kat Hunter “Katscratch”) Ashley Jenkins (“Jinx”) and Emily (“Seppuku”) are participating as speakers at the conference.

FRAG DOLL SPEECHES AND TIMES:

“Nintendogs — why is it so lovely?” by Jinx, 9:45am Exhibition Hall 2

“What is it about football games?!” by Rhoulette, 10:30am, Nelson Mandela Room

“Has he got a better gun than me or am I just rubbish?” by Katscratch, 11:00am Exhibition Hall 2

“I know!!! They should do NintenCATS next!!!” by Seppuku, 12:30pm Jonathan Sands Room

“Why not make it so you look up when you press up?” by Katscratch, 1:30pm Exhibition Hall 2

“Shopping games – a routemap for design” by Seppuku, 2:00pm UbiSoft Experience Room

“Why are driving games always too fast?” by Rhoulette, 2:45pm Exhibition Hall 2

“What’s best out of Puzzle Bobble and Columns?” by Jinx, 3:00pm Meeting Room 3

“What I think matters because I’m such a cutie-pie!” by Katscratch, 3:45am Exhibition Hall 2

We’ve emailed the organisers requesting “glamour, lingerie, swimwear and cosplay photos” of the main speakers to illustrate a news piece. Update soon if they come through.

You haven’t lived or DIED HORRIBLY BY GETTING TRAPPED IN A BURNING CAR WRECK until you’ve watched “GameLife Video Game Review Show Episode 1” by Andrew Rosenblum Productions.

Featuring Andrew Rosenblum, who you might recognise from such productions as “Me Filming Myself Wanking” and “Mum’s cat”.

It’s all shot in grainy close-up, like porn.

REALLY HORRIBLY BAD PORN THAT WILL STOP YOU THINKING ABOUT SEX AND EVEN WANKING FOR EVER.

SEE IT HERE:
GameLife Video Game Review Show Episode 1

Hey there, Sega Scouts! You’ve all been busy! We’ve had loads of email, and for once it isn’t all about buying Viagra from India, or getting a billion pounds from Nigeria, or removing that libellous update we did about that shit thing your company makes.

We’ve had emails about Sega! And games! And other things people think are the sort of things we might like to do updates about.

Anyone who’s emailed us something is now officially a UKR SEGA NEWS SCOUT. You may download this badge and display it on your blogjournalspace with pride:

Making text go in a circle in Photoshop is an exciting new thing we’ve just learned how to do. Here are the things we’ve been sent by the UKR SEGA NEWS SCOUTS recently:

THING ONE: FAKE PSP PROMOTIONAL VIDEO

“Hi UKR”

“This was up for a while ago but only via torrent — now it’s available via the magic of Google Video, wheeee! enjoy!”

FAKE PSP PROMOTIONAL VIDEO

THING TWO: A PIECE OF ‘NEW GAMES JOURNALISM’ POSTED ON IGN, OF ALL PLACES, WHICH WE WERE PRESUMABLY SUPPOSED TO RIP THE PISS OUT OF

“I thought it would be ripped to shreds already!”

‘NEW GAMES JOURNALISM’ POSTED ON IGN

THING THREE: ‘SEGA MUSIC’ WIKIPEDIA ENTRY

“Hi guys.”

“You may have already seen this and posted about it, but just in case you haven’t…”

‘SEGA MUSIC’ WIKIPEDIA ENTRY

“The music’s traditional form was largely improvised and was intensely emotional. It was also used as a funereal dirge and as part of traditional exorcisms.”

“Who knew SEGA had such magical powers?”

“Look at the woman dancing the SEGA too!”

“If you’ve already seen this and are already bored to tears of random peple sending this to you, then feel free to bin this immediatly…”

THING FOUR: ANCIENT SAKURA TAISEN ADVERT FROM JAPAN

ANCIENT SAKURA TAISEN ADVERT FROM JAPAN

“Had to pass this on”

THING FIVE: SEGA TOYS ‘MAKE-UP GAME FOR GIRLS’ COMING TO AMERICA

“Radica, the company that makes these stand-alone joystick only titles has signed a deal with Sega.”

HONG KONG–(BUSINESS WIRE)–Feb. 9, 2006–Radica Games Limited (NASDAQ:RADA) has announced a partnership with Sega Toys (a subsidiary of Sega(R) Corporation) to develop, manufacture and distribute Digi Makeover, one of the most anticipated toys to debut at the American International Toy Fair in New York City, February 12-15. Designed for today’s young teen girls, Digi Makeover includes a makeup case-styled touch pad with digital camera that plugs directly into the TV and lets girls take their picture and get creative with their very own makeover, including makeup, hairstyles and accessories.

Digi Makeover is expected to hit retail shelves in the fall of 2006 and will retail for approximately $59.99.

According to Jim Silver, editor of Toy Wishes Magazine, Radica’s Digi Makeover was one of the most talked-about products when industry experts saw it last October. “If the execution is done well and there aren’t any major problems with it, I can see it being a big hit this fall,” he says.

“Sega Toys continues to be a dominant force in interactive entertainment,” says Pat Feely, CEO, Radica. “We’re thrilled to be partnering with them and bring their innovative technology to this
product.”

Isao Kokubun, president and CEO, Sega Toys notes, “As a leader in girls’ lifestyle products, Radica is an important partner to bring the concept of digital makeovers to the retail marketplace.”

The foregoing discussion contains forward-looking statements that involve risks and uncertainties that could cause actual results to differ materially from projected results. Forward-looking statements include statements about efforts to attract or prospects for additional or increased business, new product introductions and other statements of a non-historical nature. Actual results may differ from projected results due to various Risk Factors, including Risks of Manufacturing in China, Dependence on Product Appeal and New Product Introductions, and Dependence on Major Customers, as set forth in the Company’s Annual Report on Form 20-F for the fiscal year ended December 31, 2004, as filed with the Securities and Exchange Commission. See “Item 3. Key Information — Risk Factors” in such report on Form 20-F.

THING SIX: ANOTHER ASTOUNDING COMPLAINT ABOUT THE RETRO GAMING FEATURE, ONLY IT READS SO POORLY WE SUSPECT IT MIGHT BE A FAKE (AND IF IT ISN’T A FAKE WE GENUINELY FEEL A BIT SORRY FOR THE AUTHOR)

“Your Retro Special is a defilement to 1000’s of gamers world wide. To act like the old should of never existed only means that you have no respect to what brought games to what they are. BACK THEN and AT THE TIME, those games were top of the line in not only entertainment, but even technology. International Karate, along with Street FIghter 2, Mortal Konbat, and many more has given the fighting games of today a platform of exsistence. WIthout them, you may never even see your damned VF4 (another thing: VF4 is made up from the improvement of 3 other game before it. You wouldn’t have VF4 without even those 3 games).”

“Games like FFVII, Sonic 2, and Driver were the cream of the corn. They were the at the top, and the pinical, or the gaming stages before all else came along. Without FFVII, or even Final Fantasy 1! There may not even be a strong base for any existence of good RPG.”

“As for other poiints, sex in games was never a strong point outside of the virgin 18 year old players. Noone really cared for 1000 polygon girls as much as they did with the 200 pixel failure of Sam Fox Strip Poker. Cause they are all into real things, honestly.”

“oh, and the lack of back light during the Gameboy days. This factor was to cut to damn cost. Really good for those short on cash, cause those things like the GameGear failed based on eye hazzard, and for cost. the Back Light screens of the GBA sp and DS are a invention of price reduction in the economy. If you gaming in your hands for the go that wasn’t over 500 buck to have back in 1995, you’d never be bitching about the Gameboy not having a light. You’d have a flash light shoved in your mouth while under the bed sheets playing Pokemon for the 150th catch.”

“For fuck sacks, you’re got it made in the fucking sun with gamign to day. Respect the past, cause it’s hardships gave you this golden shove that is surgecly embedded in your ass!”

—
This is not an MTV commersial…

– James

THING SEVEN: SOMETHING ABOUT ENTIRELY FABRICATED GIRL GAMING CLAN THE FRAG DOLLS (U.S.)

“I don’t know if we’re supposed to send in news about the Entirely Fabricated Girl Gaming Clan The Frag Dolls to you anymore in case you’re tired of the Entirely Fabricated Girl Gaming Clan The Frag Dolls.

“Just in case though, here’s a link where the writer appears to be unsure what’s sexier, Entirely Fabricated Girl Gaming Clan The Frag Dolls member “Rhoulette” or shooting Nazis in planes.”

SOMETHING ABOUT ENTIRELY FABRICATED GIRL GAMING CLAN THE FRAG DOLLS (U.S.)

“There, that’s got to be a contender for most extraneous mention of Entirely Fabricated Girl Gaming Clan The Frag Dolls yet!”

THING EIGHT: A LINK TO SOME BBC RESEARCH ON ‘GAMING’

“…whereby anyone who has accidently played a mobile game instead of pressing the shortcut for sending a text, or lent on the red button of their remote and played an interactive TV game in the last 6 months qualifies as a ‘gamer’.”

“Other highlights:”

“Playing a game of any sort once a week or more makes you a heavy user.”

“Sega Dreamcast is more popular than Sony PSP across the 6-35 year old age range.”

“66% of 6-10 year olds have played interactive TV games in the last 6 months. This is more than Xbox, Gamecube, Dreamcast and PSP put together. And more than mobile games.”

BBC RESEARCH ON ‘GAMING’

“I’m sure you could squeeze an update out of this report. And feel free to crib any of what I’ve written.”

THING NINE: SOMEONE’S COLLECTION OF BOOTH BABE PHOTOS:

“Now that the subject of the E3 booth babes is all over the Internet, here is a link to my annual boot babe pictorial to add to your list – the best to be found anywhere – every year – eight years running!”

BOOTH BABE PHOTOS

THING TEN: A LINK TO A WEB SITE THAT SELLS ‘INTERCHANGABLE RECTAL UNITS’

‘INTERCHANGABLE RECTAL UNITS’

“There’s got to be a joke in there somewhere, I’m sure.”

What a fitting way to end. Keep them coming, Scouts!

Download all the stuff you used to watch as a child, and stop yourself from mourning one more element of your youth as you are faced with the stark choice of choosing between:

A) The DVD boxed set special edition of A Sequence of Unfortunate Events with added scenes and commentaries, or

B) An agonisingly slow BBC production in which a team of impossibly curly-haired child actors are aghast at being sent to live in a sleepy seaside town with their Great Uncle Portmeirion, but become involved in a magical adventure which involves being chased around a school playing field by an old man with a long nose called WitchPrick.

Occasionally there would be a puppet.

We’ve been sent this photograph:

…along with an email that claims he is the real-life face of the OutRun 2006 “Flag Man”. We’re assured it’s not true, but you have to respect the man for trying.

This is the email:

We really hope there is a man called Javier Sanchez out there, and that he really is a shopping mall security guard, and that he really has been lying to his friends about being in OutRun 2006.

Javier, if you are reading this, it’s very important you email us. It’s to do with us being BEST FRIENDS.

You can download her new film Evil Aliens “off of” Bittorrent right now, in the background, while you’re reading this and massaging yourself erect in preparation for the inevitable artistically justified sexy scenes.

She does stuff like this in it.

And stuff like this!

Stealing small, independent British movies off the internet feels like a quite bad thing to do…

…but they shouldn’t go putting Emily Booth and her tits in them if they don’t want us to download them. They’re asking for it!

So is she. Begging for lumpy, three-headed alien cock.

But she never gets them properly ‘out’. 2/10 “Disappointing” – UKR

It’s the ‘Beena’ from Sega Toys. Sort of a better Pico (the Pico was sort of a better PlayStation2 with more interesting games). Let’s all import one from Japan and convince ourselves it’s really brilliant!

Grooming a new generation to love Sega.

SEGA Toys ‘Beena’