These are the updates that were more of a chore than a pleasure, compiled from various other “news wires” we have dragged down this week:

This thing about the appalling ‘blending’ trend.

This thing about a sort of flying Segway, which features all the death/suicide references we’re allowed to use in a month.

This thing about an invention called a ‘Walkstation’ which gets treated with the contempt it deserves.

This thing about how one thing LOOKS A BIT LIKE another thing, in a pretty standard barrel-scraping update idea from when there was literally no other news around.

This thing about a woman getting touched-up by some firemen, because you can’t not use pictures like this when they come along:

Lacking focus and occasionally incoherent. 5/10. Next week’s keyword to look out for is ‘polygamy’.

The HMV launch party of that Olympic game was such an exciting occasion that a man had to RUN BACK and get his proper camera, so the event could be captured at the impressive number of megapixels it deserves.

Here is his photojournal of the exciting event.

EYE WITNESS REPORT: “As I left my place of work for lunch I happened to walk past HMV in Oxford Street.”

“Much to my surprise I saw Sonic and Mario jumping around outside, and having their photos taken with under-age Japanese girls. As I only had my crappy phone with me I ran back to work and got my camera.”

“When I got back they had gone inside so I went into the store, and at the back of the store were Dick and Dom presenting the launch of Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games.”

“You may notice that Sonic and Mario needed help down the stairs. It would appear that age is finally catching up with them, and in one photo it looks like Mario is…”

“…about to bum the slightly pregnant lady from Nintendo.”

“I am sure you will appreciate that all the photos are in glorious 3072 x 2304 resolution – John.”

“PS: I need to send you two emails, to fit all the photos in.”

UPDATE:
Actually it required three separate emails in the end, making the total amount of data sent a stunning 20.2MB – a record for a reader submission.

The thieving gypsy scum over at Micro Direct are charging 352 quid for the standard pack. With no free games. This would appear to be a new global record for shamelessness.

Nintendo is holding you down and keeping your arms out of the way, while Micro Direct is unbuttoning itself and preparing for action.

Incredibly it is “sold out.”

Dixons has got some Wiis in stock! The only problem is, you have to buy a four-game bundle if you want one – for 350 quid. And one of the games is called ‘Smarty Pants’. This is the worst deal currently available on the high street, even including giving all your money to a tramp in return for him giving you cold sores.

Everyone’s doing it. Any company with Wii stock is making a killing right now. It’s brutal out there.

And a couple of these bundles are sold out. People are falling victim to this crime. PS: We were investigating Wii prices and availability in the hope of buying a few to sell on for profit, NOT to buy and own.

Quite right, Sony. We have never seen such a poor display of second-rate tat shovelled out in the name of entertainment before. Well, maybe the Mega CD launch came close, but let’s not go back to that dark place again.

And here’s another bewildering decision – Sony’s Christmas PS3 advert. Featuring, as we have come to expect from Sony, NO GAMES AT ALL. This is probably for the best. Showing off the glitchy versions of Assassin’s Creed and PES 2008 wouldn’t really help much.

So here are some weird actors in stupid clothes:

This is pretentious nonsense churned out in the name of advertising like we’ve never seen before. Two sensational firsts for Team PS3!

Great news for all PlayStation3 owners this week. The Christmas line-up is ASTONISHING.

Delivered with fantastic deadpan seriousness by the ever-amusing straw-clutchers over at Three Speech.

Combine the life-sapping task that is swapping broadband providers AND the nightmare of having a PlayStation3 – for a Christmas you would rather die during than remember.

Imagine spending the most boring week of the year without the internet and only a PS3 for entertainment. That sort of deprivation is illegal in most developed countries.

This is amazing. A man went to Richard’s house, talked to Richard, asked Richard lots of proper questions, then got a very proper photographer to take lots of really good hi-res photos of Richard in which he seems to be wearing make-up.

This makes us really sad that whenever we’ve had the opportunity to talk to Richard we have, frankly, pissed it away. And even with the telephoto lens our photos aren’t anything like as good as these.

This featured in UK knob-twiddling music technology mag Future Music. Hopefully, us charitably linking to their web site here will stop them getting arsey and demanding we take this all down.

FROM THIS MAN: “I went round his house and he’s a very nice man. His dining room is full of games and consoles and a big telly. We chatted for ages about games and I ended up writing his life story in the feature – which I found very interesting even if none of our readers do. Wanted to take him to the pub but my photographer was looking bored after the third hour of me saying ‘and then what game did you do?!?!???’.”

“His studio is in his attic. I left my notebook behind in my excitement and had to go back 15 minutes later – looking like a complete fool. Daniel.”

There is a line in here where Richard says “the technology that Sony are developing is amazing.” Richard Jacques has just been moved, mentally, to a slightly lower pedestal.

Our Richard Jacques feature is still being worked on. It is an unauthorised piece, and currently stands at approximately 53,000 words and 182 photographs. And 62 hand-drawn illustrations. And a separate book of short stories and fan fiction. And some poems. And his initials carved into our leg with a key.

We have also done some other things to go on the internet.

This thing about broken horses.

This thing about airships.

This thing about a boring graph illustrating power consumption that you should only read if you’re so bored you are literally about to attempt suicide with a hole punch and stapler.

This thing about a robot.

This thing about avant-garde new-wave European product photography, because you can’t not use pictures like this when they come along:

This week’s output gets a workmanlike 5/10. Next week’s keyword to look out for is ‘erogenous’.

If you happen to be in Bristol, you may break down in tears in public for reasons other than having to be in Bristol.

FROM HENRY: “There’s a shop in Bristol called Mr Tomato. It reminded me of the Tomato Shop in Shenmue, only without the fantastic music and prize draw whenever you buy anything. I wish my life was more interesting than this. I took photos on two separate occasions. Cheers – Henry.”

Sadly we have no photos of the interior. Here’s what it looked like in Shenmue.

TOMORROW: Someone’s local SPAR that is relevant to UKR because they used to sell the Sonic comic.