Japanese hardware sales figures for last week. What specialist video game trade refer to as a DOUBLE-WHAMMY – PlayStation3 is dead in Japan as well.

DS: 133k

Wii: 75k

PSP: 24k

PS2: 12k

PS3: 11k

It’s over. And remember how cheap the thing is out there, too, compared to here. Nintendo’s waving at the crowd. Expect Sony’s HR department to start sending out lots more letters very soon.

At least the massive UK sales will make up for it.

American hardware sales figures are in for March, and as the NPD isn’t run by Nazis we’re allowed to say what they are on the internet:

DS: 508k

PS2: 280k

Wii: 259k

X360: 199k

PSP: 180k

GBA: 148k

PS3: 130k

Just the usual CATACLYSMIC SALES DISASTER for PS3 then. Guess those, er, shortages are still hitting sales, what with there only being a spare three million on shelves worldwide.

At least the massive UK sales will make up for it.

The Sonic/PS3 update triggered an impromptu Photoshop competition, as readers clamoured to explain what Sonic was doing consorting with the weak, enemy machine.

Which means five people made some pictures.

And they were quite good. So here they are, in what we’re calling our easiest update of the year so far:

This one could’ve been the winner, had this been an official competition. Sadly, it was not an official competition therefore there is NO BUDGET for prizes.

This one wouldn’t have won anything, as it says “jus” which isn’t a proper word. We’re Nazis about spelling and stuff.

This one would’ve been second or third, and maybe won a prize, had this been an official competition.

This one’s OK. We would’ve uploaded it to make it look like we got lots of entries, even though it’s a bit basic.

This one should’ve definitely been a winner, possibly even THE ULTIMATE winner. It’s very good. Brilliant, in fact. If only this was an official competition with a budget for prizes.

This week, Chart Track has decided to officially say that last week’s top-selling PS3 game sold 6,899 copies in the UK.

That’s 6,899 copies of Motorstorm, the game most people would surely buy alongside the pointless console. Expect analysts to say this is a “TOTAL DISASTER”, as it is clearly a total disaster. And with Singstar the only half-decent PS3 exclusive coming this side of Christmas, it’s going to get worse.

Here’s a photo someone took of a PS3 at a car boot sale. It seems appropriate:

The enemy has suffered huge losses and is now in full retreat. We will be raising the orange/blue spiral victory flag above Sony’s ridiculously expensive Soho offices within weeks, when the struggling company axes more staff and relocates to a Portakabin in Swindon.

Et tu, Sonic? This is the ultimate betrayal. All those times we gave his awful 3D games more points out of ten than they deserve over the last decade – and THIS is how the little shit repays us?

He was once our most loyal and obedient friend. But now we would calmly and casually put a bullet in his head without shedding a tear. War is such a terrible time.

And people think we’re making all this up.

Global disaster equals celebratory wank time.

Poor old mrk2golf1.8t.

He’s already sold 32 at a loss:

If anyone knows his identity, please pop in to see if he’s OK.

And that’s according to actual evidence:

Kidnap boy lured by promise of PlayStation

Kidnap boy lured by promise of PlayStation

Jurors have been shown a video interview with a Perth man accused of conspiring with his homosexual partner to murder a boy they kidnapped and sexually abused for 20 days.

The man, Victor Leslie Urquhart, 46, who has AIDS, said the boy was lured to their home with the promise of a PlayStation.

Urquhart and his partner Robbie Sebastian Wheeler, 43, are on trial in the Western Australian District Court accused of plotting to wilfully murder the teenage boy.

The pair have already pleaded guilty in court to 27 charges between them, including deprivation of liberty and sexually assaulting the boy between August 30 and September 19, 2005, but have pleaded not guilty to conspiring to kill him.

Mr Urquhart said in the interview shown to the jury today he minimised the risk of the boy contracting AIDS by engaging only in oral sex and not having anal sex with him.

“I didn’t engage in anal sex with the boy because of AIDS,” he said.

During the interview with Perth detectives, Urquhart said he had never forced the boy to do anything.

He said he was freaked out by the situation but did not call police because he “didn’t want to get into trouble”.

He said he basically went along with Mr Wheeler, who lured the boy to their house by promising him a PlayStation or an X-box.

“Ryan offered him a PlayStation or an X-box.
“We had Maccas for dinner the first night.

“I made sure he ate – he had hot dogs, chips, takeaway and pizza.

“He was well looked after and showered and all that.”

Urquhart said the boy was restrained by Wheeler during the 20 days, but had gone to the house of his own free will.

He had used bucket in the bathroom as a toilet.

Earlier today the jury was shown sketches, diagrams and notes taken from the home of the pair.

Documents shown to jurors included details of how the pair planned to go cruising and wanted to pick up a straight boy – “the younger the better” – and drug them before handcuffing them.

“The younger they are the shorter we’ll keep them, unless we snag a homeless one.

“When we’ve finished with them want to get rid of them, start doing some snuff and damage them.

“Make sure find a safe place to dump them.”

Another document contained the sentence: “Won’t acid take care of the body so it’s just bones?”

The trial continues.

And so is Xbox.

Courtesy of the Southport branch of GAME. It’s ANOTHER unauthorised sign that head office needs to crack down on immediately:

LIVE REPORT: “This picture is from the GAME shop in Southport, Merseyside, taken on PS3 launch day, Friday 23rd March 2007 at 12:59pm. Good to see they have over 12k of stock waiting for some non-existent buyers. What’s more interesting is the fact they are trying to flog some insurance as well, just in case you accidentally drop the PS3 on purpose – a bargain at 34.99 – although their spelling of peace is a bit dubious – Rastrus.”

Even Shenmue’s Tomato Store is struggling.

The Doncaster branch of Argos. 102 PlayStation3s in stock. Congratulations to all at Sony Europe for doing such a brilliant job of keeping up with – and staying massively ahead of – “demand”.

Sony is now so far ahead of “demand” that it might as well close its PS3 factories for a few months and give all those poor Chinese workers a holiday.

Amazing resistance from the Doncaster forces. Surely no one will ever beat this incred…

Bristol takes the lead. Only send us a photo if it’s over 200 from now on.