It’s time to give up. Learn a trade. Become a plumber or a bricklayer. Or a boat maker. People will always need boats. There’s no dignity left in getting excited about mascot-branded products for the benefit of the internet.

“I thought you might like to know that Sonic isn’t losing any sleep over he’s impending relegation as your mascot, as he is now whoring himself on HMV bags. I’ve attached a couple low-quality pictures taken on my phone (it’s a Sony phone, so what do you expect?) for you to weep/masturbate over.”

“Very long time reader, so glad I can finally contribute to your excellent site. I generally got excited when this came up, and I’m not even single. Thanks for your time” – Dan.

Sony’s sent out some new images of Home, the cumbersome 3D PC avatar system from 1998 it mistakenly thinks people will give a toss about. It is grim.

As depressing as a motorway service station at 4.25am when the arcade is closed and the restaurant has sold out of chips. And a cup of tea is £3.99 and it’s 20p to use the toilet.

Imagine a new-build city centre flat. You bought it in May of 2007 for £249,000 with a 100% mortgage. It’s currently worth £169,000. The laminate is already starting to come up. The taps are broken. The ground rent is an additional £1500 a year no one mentioned at the time. That’s PlayStation Home.

Abandoned film set. Three stuntmen died in an accident and shooting was cancelled.

Decaying future world after the ‘Great War’.

HELL. LITERALLY HELL. Laminated HELL.

A seven-hour trek around Homebase with the wife to look at – BUT NOT BUY – new kinds of taps.

As empty and bleak as the hearts of the few PS3 owners that will pretend to be excited by this. THE HORROR. THE HORROR.

No, not a bottle of vodka infused with the chalky and bitter after-taste of 48 crushed-up sleeping pills and 24 crushed-up Nurofens – Mana Health Potion.

A drink in a bottle that looks like something from a game.

And 24 crushed up aspirins, just to make sure it doesn’t hurt.

New Health Energy Potion Energy Shot Enhances Gaming Sessions, Aids in Recovery

Harcos’ Sequel to Mana Energy Potion Boosts Mortals’ Hit Points with Natural Herbs and Vitamins, Adds Fuel to Their Gaming Fire

SANTA MONICA, Calif. Fighting epic battles and embarking on mystical quests can be exhausting and draining, but Harcos’ new Health Energy Potion restores gamers’ energy levels so they can storm back onto the battlefield and conquer adversaries once more. From the two gamers behind the best-selling Mana Energy Potion, the long-anticipated follow up, Health Energy Potion, is now available for gamers everywhere in need of 5-8 hours of smooth, powerful energy, packed in a portable 1.69 oz bottle.

Health Energy Potion possesses a mellow apple-cinnamon flavor and packs helpful natural herbs, such as elderberry and ginseng, and the vitamins biotin and folic acid. With no sugar added, mortals won’t fear the dreaded after crash associated with many other energy shots. Each magical bottle of Health Energy Potion looks like it’s straight out of a video game, and is sure to add +160 to gamers’ HP.

“We heard the cries and read the emails from gamers and geeks alike for a sequel to Mana Energy Potion, and Health Energy Potion is the perfect complimentary energy shot,” said Aaron Rasmussen, co-founder, Harcos. “Whether you’re a hardcore gamer needing more ‘umph’ for an epic quest or frag fest, or just need a pick-me-up in the middle of the day, Health Energy Potion has the fuel required to fight all your battles ’til the apple-cinnamon flavored end.”

Health Energy Potion features:

* 5-8 hours of smooth energy
* Apple-cinnamon flavor
* No sugar, no after crash
* Elderberry, ginseng, biotin and folic acid
* As much caffeine as two cans of Red Bull

Health Energy Potion provides hardcore gamers with the essential energy boost to set out and conquer any thrilling gaming voyage imaginable. With a suggested MSRP of $3.45 per shot, Health Energy Potion is available for immediate order at www.manapotions.com, and will soon be available at retailers Fry’s Electronics, Hot Topic, Micro Center and ThinkGeek.com, among others.

About Elderberries

Elderberry is a dark berry that grows in both the Northern and Southern Hemispheres. Traditionally, the berry has been used in health potions and to provide protection from witches. Cutting down an elderberry tree, on the other hand, is said to release a perturbed spirit named the Elder Mother. An old poem even says, “Elder be the Lady’s tree, burn it not or cursed ye’ll be.” It is also said that the tree could be safely cut while chanting a rhyme to the Elder Mother. When you open a new bottle of Health Energy Potion, it’s recommended to chant: “Full my HP bar may be, sorry I cut down your stupid elder tree.”

About Harcos, Inc.

Based in Santa Monica, Calif., Harcos was founded by two gamer geeks who discovered a niche at the intersection where gaming and consumer products merge with the launch of their first vitamin/energy beverage, Mana Energy Potion. Each magical bottle of Mana Energy Potion looks like it’s straight out of a video game and is filled with a bright blue liquid that adds +160 to mana, packs a powerful dose of vitamins and delivers up to eight hours of smooth energy without sugar or an after crash. The company’s follow up, Health Energy Potion, possesses a mellow apple-cinnamon flavor and is jam-packed with natural herbs, such as elderberry and ginseng, and the vitamins biotin and folic acid, while providing the same 5-8 hours of smooth, powerful energy with no sugar or after crash. Additional information is available at www.manapotions.com.

Terms like “alarming collapse” and “battered” used by financially-minded grown-ups to describe Sony’s terrible current state. The gaming division has contributed to this with “lower-than-expected” sales.

SEGA is rumoured to be using its Football Manager profits to buy up remnants of gaming division at “fire sale” price.

Gaming division. Axe the gaming division. Please axe the gaming division. Fingers crossed for massive job losses, at least.

It’s called Return to Little Planet. It’s based on Sonic CD, which should be the masterplan for life, not just video games.

There, that’s it. The worst update in history. This is the capitulation of UKR that will lead to a gradual recovery in post quality and a return to greatness seven years from now.

“I work at a shoe shop and yesterday brought me these shoes on a delivery. Pretty good. They also have Atari and a NES on but that is not important compared to the lefty Dreamcast controller and Game Gear.”

“Sorry about the poor images. My camera phone is pretty old and taking pictures of the inside of shoes is not fun. And keep Sonic as the logo. I think you have had triple the amount of Sonic posts since you killed him off” – Paul.

We have received an email from a man who MADE CONTACT with Richard Jacques. He told Richard what to do – and Richard did it. It’s a good story we are pleased to publish for your amusement, even though it starts off in a vaguely insulting fashion.

OPENING PREAMBLE
“I’ve been saving this until I thought UK:R reaches the bottom, the very bottom, the ‘touch it it’s concrete can’t go lower than this’ bottom, so now it’s time to release it and hopefully bring a ray of Super Sonic (from the good old days) yellow sunshine into the ‘community’ members lives… if only just for a moment, before we quickly realise life is grey again.

“I was so impressed with MS:R’s soundtrack, I used my toned research (stalking) skills to find His Royal Holiness Richard Jacques’ home address. I sent him my MS:R manual and case cover slip with a letter asking him if he wouldn’t mind autographing them, being the wholesome SEGA kind-of-guy I am I of course included an envelope addressed to me with postage already stamped on.”

“Knowing that if he had enough spare time from doing whatever musical Gods do on their evenings, I’d have a new family heirloom, and as such I didn’t want him to scribble all over the front so I sent him the SPECIFIC instructions to ‘please autograph the car bonnet on the cover slip ‘To Jonathan, From Richard Jacques’ and the bonnet on the manual ‘Richard Jacques”. Yes, giving instructions to such a legend did evoke feelings not too distant from those Buffalo Bill must have felt in Silence of the Lambs: ‘The Richard will take the oil, and rub it over his body’.”

“It’s such a rush knowing that I can touch something that has not only been inside Richard’s house, but has also been touched with the same hands used to craft ‘Club Paris’, ‘Holding On’, ‘Am I only Dreaming’ and the greats from Sonic R (ie. all of them)” – Jonathan.

WHAT WE WOULD TELL RICHARD TO DO

Touch it for a bit

Hold it tighter

Put it in

STOP CRYING NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU SO JUST DO IT

Here’s a very sad story about how a man spent Christmas. Being on your own with a selection of hardcore pornography is surely better than spending it with the type of people that insist on watching Friends?

“This being the festive season and all, I was watching a repeat of one of the ‘Friends’ Christmas specials on TV yesterday (under duress). Imagine my surprise when I noticed Lisa Kudrow was branded with the Dreamcast logo: an indication of how much better times were for SEGA and for her back in 1999, I’m sure. Apologies about the poor image quality, I wasn’t quick enough to take a picture of the TV, so I had to download it from an archive of Friends screen captures. What a way to spend Boxing day, eh?” – Richard.

The sender of this photograph wishes to remain anonymous, presumably because he’s the sort of JOHNNY COME-LATELY bandwagon-jumper that only got into gaming when SEGA released the redesigned and cheaper Mega Drive II.

“Here’s a cup I found. It has those Dreamcast swirlies that you like. Here it is sitting atop and next to several SEGA consoles. I couldn’t be arsed to come up with captions though. Enjoy the blurry photographs. Oh and it says happy birthday in case anyone wonders. Cheers. I wish to remain anonymous, sir!” – XXXX XXXXX.

OTHER PHOTOS?
They were all a bit blurry. EXIF data shows a Sanyo Xacti E7 was used to take them, which also explains the anonymity request.

…we can always come together to laugh at people who dress like games characters. Look! We might not be funny or relevant or popular any more, but we’re also not scouring fabric warehouses for something stretchy that’s about the same colour as Tails.

“The Tails one is ridiculously scary, like some kind of orange Mumm-Ra. It’s not even remotely funny how scary he is. He’s so scary, he gets scarier every time I scroll up to check how scary he actually is. I don’t know who the purple girl’s supposed to be (sorry, but I pretty much stopped playing Sonic after Sonic 3 so I’m not good with the names of the new lot). Oh, and here’s Pepsi Man + bulge(s)…”

“Found on this site while Googling for pictures of Westerners cosplaying for a Facebook rant group I’m doing against twats who get upset over ‘crap’ Western remakes of ‘good’ Oriental films” – Bilal.