Entries in the ‘GONZO’ Category:

FREE GERMANY!

Apparently, according to an email we got from an actual German (he yielded to our superiority by speaking the Queen’s English) German politicians want to ban video gaming.

This is probably a wild, sweeping exaggeration, but we can’t be bothered researching things at the best of times and especially not when they’re in German.

And also because it has resulted in photos like this appearing on the anti-ban site GAMING IS NOT A CRIME:

He is a typical German video gamer, apparently.

The campaign wants to highlight the “real gamers” of Germany and show that not everyone who plays games is a sick, anti-social weirdo. We have obviously focussed on the ones that do look like sick, anti-social weirdos for comic effect.

It’s nice to know that German hardcore gamers sometimes look exactly how you’d imagine them to

SAYS THE GERMAN: “We are doing an online-petition, because they want to ban videogames in Germany! The government thinks that every gamer is a potential psychopathkiller. So we ask people to register and upload their picture. Even if the Tommys don’t care about Germans being f*cked by the government, you still have to do a little newsflash about the site. Why? Because it is sponsored by segaON and consists of totally embarrassing pix like these. It is a comedy goldmine!”

This is what happens to a country when David Hasselhoff is considered a positive role model.

There are also women on it. German women, but they still have all the right bits for doing stuff with/to and some are quite passable.

It’s a shame Germany hasn’t got a Frag Dolls.


THE SITE’S INTRO, PUT THROUGH BABEL FISH, AS ANYTHING PUT THROUGH BABEL FISH IS INSTANTLY AMAZINGLY FUNNY:
“Gaming has many faces – and one of it is yours. Show it: Your picture loads high and shows operational readiness level! Support our on-line initiative, in order to show the public that players are completely normal humans from all social classes and not part of a dark fringe group. We reject the overall condemnation of PC and video games in the connection of acts of violence, which ignores social and personal bad states of the authors unjustified. Players stand together – for their hobby, for appropriate protection of children and young people and against material force.”

THAT WASN’T FUNNY ENOUGH, SO WE TRANSLATED THAT INTO FRENCH, THEN BACK INTO ENGLISH:
“The play has many faces – and one of him is with you. Show it: Your image charges the high one and shows the operational level of promptitude! Support our initiative on line, in order to prove to the public which the players are human the completion normal of all the social classes and not part of a dark group of fringe. Us kids the total judgment of the PC and the video games in the connection of the acts of violence, which is unaware of bad the social and personal states unjustified authors. The players are held together – for their pastime, for suitable protection of the children and the young people and against the material force.”

THAT WAS A BIT BETTER. GOOD LUCK, GERMANY.

Comments (19)

MISCELLANEOUS

Here’s some of the crap we’ve got in recently. If you sent it, by “crap” we mean “little works of genius we’re very grateful to receive”.

This is a flyer being circulated by someone called Alan who’s trying to sell a PS3 in a university. That’s his phone number. We’re not entirely sure about the legality of putting someone’s phone number on a web site read by lunatics, but are prepared to risk being implicated in Alan’s death for a minor laugh.

A sign saying “Wii ROX” made out of unsold PS3s. Hopefully this photo was arranged specifically for us, and hasn’t just been stolen off an internet forum.

Self explanatory.

What Ken Kutaragi did next. Again, hopefully this was made just for us and wasn’t stuck on Gaming-Age and featured on Kotaku three weeks ago. We’ve not been keeping up on gaming news recently, thanks to post-traumatic stress brought about by the WAR.

This image was definitley made for us. No one else would have it.

This is awesome and deserves its own update, rather than being hidden away down here. Sorry about that, person what done it.

This is probably a war reference we don’t get, as all we really know about WWII is that the Japanese did very bad things, which is why Granddad never drives Hondas or buys Sony products to this very day.

A PS3 “not sold out in the slightest” sign from Russia! Even out there no one cares for the evil capitalist machine. Interesting to note that in Russia PS3 costs 2-1.990p. Right. That’s your lot. We have cleaned up our desktop quite significantly.

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INSIDE SEGA'S AMAZING 'HI-TECH LAND'

See what SEGA thought the future would look like in 1993, thanks to a Japan-living-in reader called Rudie. He’s embarrassed us quite severely by putting in the sort of effort we haven’t put in since 1999.

Hi-Tech, low maintenance

“Here are more pictures of things that say SEGA. Near my place in southern Tokyo there are two arcades both called SEGA HI-TECH LAND.”

Rare SEGA font!

“This is the entrance to one. You can taste the future. And you know it will be great because it says SEGA!”

Where's Daytona?

“There was one person on the arcade portion, which means it was more active than American arcades. Everyone else was by the UFO Catchers and Pachinko machines on the other side. The clerk didn’t mind when I got pictures of the empty VF5 machines.”

Every day is SEGA day on UKR!

“This mat states that the 23rd of every month is SEGA day. That makes Japan automatically better than every other country on Earth.”

Probably looks better at night

“The back entrance to the other arcade. I don’t know what else to say.”

We'd clean it for free :(

“This is the front entrance.”

Arcades: Thriving

“Look at all those empty machines! That just means there’s no waiting to have fun at SEGA Hi-Tech Land.”

Ideal for mopping spunk off Dreamcasts

“The best part is at the arcade they have free wetnaps that remind you about SEGA day! See two SEGA Arcades within walking distance of each other. They are still open which means someone out there still cares about fun.”

SEGA HI-TECH LAND

This should be our new logo.

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TOMB RAIDER MODEL PORN

And by ‘model’ we mean plastic thing. And by plastic thing we mean ‘toy’. And by porn we mean… ‘porn’ albeit in a strangely unsettling fashion.

We didn’t take these photos.

There is a story behind them, a story NOT involving us.

A man who works at a game shop got the toys, opened one, took some photos and sent them in. His initial email pointed out that he thought the toy looked like Emily Booth, which was the ‘angle’ he suggested we use.

We didn’t say it was a funny story.

Then he took some with the flash on.

We’re not sure if he did that as a joke or seriously to give us a better look.

It was a good idea though.

The end (of society).

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NOT EVERYTHING'S A RIP-OFF

There are some good bargains to be had out there:

Carol's Sudoku Fantasy

The UK’s finest MILF, yours for only ten quid in Woolworths. Oh, and PS3 IS SHIT and it’s unlikely anyone has pre-ordered one today, just to keep you updated.

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ER… A DOG WITH 'SEGA' AND 'YAKUZA' TRANSFERS ON IT

Once again we have confirmed ourselves as the number one conduit for the weirdos of the world:

DOG, SEGA, STICKERS

“Hi UKR. I wasn’t allowed to dye my dog blue but I did get away with sticking SEGA tattoos on her. I think you’ll agree, they’re better than Stuart’s dog. My dog looks happy to be wearing SEGA things and even sat still while I was putting them on. And she has her tongue out and is offering a paw.

“The only bit of skin was on her belly which is a bit close to her vagina. Sorry about that. I tried to get pictures of not her vagina that much, but it’s still clearly visible. I’ll see what I can do to my cat next. And I’ll still try and dye the dog blue one day! Gretta.”

'Hello? RSPCA?'

Tomorrow we expect nothing less than photos of a cow’s brain smeared over a road in a vague approximation of the SEGA logo.

GOOD DOG

Anything but dog vaginas, please.

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PHOTOGRAPHS OF A DOG WEARING A SONIC HAT (+BONUS CAT)

This is Stuart’s dog and Sonic hat. These photos arrived less than six hours after yesterday’s initial appeal. He clearly already had a dog to hand. You could never grow a dog in six hours.

Hopefully when we ask women to send in photos of their tits with “I LOVE UKR” written over them in fake blood like they’ve cut it into themselves the results will be equally swift and compliant.

A dog in a Sonic hat

A great photo, but the dog should’ve been roused to a sitting position, by offering a treat or a pat or saying that it’s din-dins or walkies time. It’s not really joining in. It should also be giving a paw for a bonus. Still, it’s a nice doggy. Oh yes it is. Oh yes you are. Oh yessy yessy doggy doggy. Good boy. GOOD BOY.

Really a dog in a Sonic hat

Still, it’s a photo of a dog wearing a Sonic The Hedgehog hat. It’s definitely an internet first. And probably also a last.

A cat in a Sonic hat

He even made his cat join in. This looks quite cruel.

BEHIND THE SCENES ‘MAKING OF’ COMMENTARY FROM STUART:
“The dog is called Blue, and my cat is actually called Sonic (I named him after the good Sonic games, and not the wank ones of late). I’m sure you’ll agree that the dog pictures are vastly overshadowed by the ones of the cat. The cat fucking hated wearing the hat, and he almost shat himself every time I put it on him. Lucky for him I managed to get the required shots well within 4 hours.”

Or Sonic in a cat costume

Of course it could just be Sonic wearing a cat costume on his lower body.

Stupid cat

Stupid cat. Cats are so stupid they can’t even get things off their heads.

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EMERCENCY NEWS FLASH FOR ALL SCOTTISH READERS

A man has spotted a “Sonic hat” in the window of Forbidden Planet in Aberdeen. If you hurry it might still be there. We expect a fierce bidding war to break out, along with a scuffle that ends up on the local news.

All we ask for in bringing you this information is that the successful buyer sends us a photo of the Sonic hat on a dog’s head. Sunglasses optional.

Scottish Sonic HAT!

“Hi, I found this Sonic hat in the window of Forbidden Planet in Aberdeen. I thought you might like it so i took a picture. Unfortunately I do not deal in ‘Credits’ of any sort, so I could not ask how much it was or which Orc the owner bought it off. It also appears that the hat would go over your eyes, possibly giving you some kind of Sonic vision!”

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SIGN O' THE TIMES

“I found a whole shelf of these languishing on a shelf in Fulbourn Tesco (just outside Cambridge)”

LAST 12455 IN STOCK!!

BUY ONE NOW! Or wait another week and get one from the skip.

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A SONIC BALLOON SPOTTED IN RED SQUARE

Odd what you get emailed some days.

Redtropolis SickleZone

It’s also odd what passes as valid content to put on the internet some days.

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