We knew that PDF copy of Metro would come in useful more than once.

How embarrassing must it be to be 17 and have to pretend you’re offended by pornography in front of your mother?

And here’s today’s Sudoku.

Didn’t the ENEMY already try motion controls for its PS3 only to be LAUGHED OUT OF TOWN by doing it very, very shoddily indeed? Or are we all supposed to have forgotten the SIXAXIS and its limp collection of crowbarred-in, useless, mini-game shite by now?

Perhaps the concept now is Sony has copied Nintendo better and more comprehensively this time around?

Putting the buttons in different places isn’t going to make playing SOCOM on the stupid thing any more enjoyable. And can someone email us the LIFESTYLE photography, please?

Some brave retailer is taking a punt on stocking the Japanese SEGA Toys Indoor Fireworks Projector. It costs an extremely unreasonable £129.99 and is, as you might expect from a piece of SEGA-badged hardware, currently IN STOCK.

And it will remain IN STOCK until they get a new boss and he orders a clear-out of the warehouse.

Fireworks are rubbish. Sorry, but it has to be said. People who like fireworks are a bit simple. It’s like when a cat is captivated by a torch being shone on a wall.

At least you can project “Happy Birthday” to yourself on the ceiling when it’s your birthday and all you’ve got to do is look at the ceiling. And look, a picture of a cake to make up for no one bothering to even buy you a cake.

THIS WILL NOT WIN YOU OVER:
“Because you can program your own shows and vary their duration and intensity, no two displays are the same. It’s like Bonfire Night, July 4th, Bastille Day and the climax of an Iron Maiden gig all rolled into one. Better still, proper pyromaniacs can get busy designing bespoke displays with the included pens and films. We guarantee guests will be awestruck. You might even hear some occasional oohs and aaahs.

“Ideal for parties, special occasions and moments when you fancy gawping at a spectacular display without getting off the sofa, the Sega Indoors Fireworks Projector is booming well brilliant. Best of all it won’t blow up in your face. Which is nice. Phwoosh…Weeeee…BOOM!”

Very, very, very sad smiley face.

We’re not giving them a link for that.

Middle-east terrorist group Hezbollah is funded by the sale of PlayStation2s and Sony cameras in the region. This is according to Kotaku and the Miami Herald, two proud independent news organisations that would not lie simply to get internet traffic.

“Safadi and two Miami-Dade freight forwarders, Ulises Talavera and Emilio Gonzalez-Neira, face terrorism-related smuggling charges alleging they secretly exported a total of $720,000 in Sony PlayStation 2 consoles and Sony digital cameras to the shopping center between 2007 and 2008. U.S. authorities say the Galeria Page Mall, in Paraguay’s Ciudad del Este, served as a front for financing the Middle East terrorist group, Hezbollah” – Miami Herald.

Sony has now been accused of aiding international terrorism so many times it MUST be true. Picture from Game Politics. Story submitted by “Hugo”. All links hurriedly botched together by UKR.

We trust everyone in the London office of Sony Computer Entertainment picked up their free copy of Metro this morning?

You can get yourself a commemorative, high-resolution PDF version of this special day on Metro’s web site, to print out and keep. Link sent in by a man so protective of his identity he used a disposable instant email provider.

And here’s a close up of the text. With a bonus photo of a man as annoying and idiotic as Sony itself and his lovely wife.

They even did a cartoon about it. THE WORLD IS LAUGHING. THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD IS LOOKING AND LAUGHING. Sony says the bug has now magically fixed itself, which is a bit of a shame. At least we had some fun and some reputations got damaged.

Just one more update about this. Just one. Come on, it’s been a very big day. Here’s Sony’s latest advice to consumers regarding the APOCALYPS3 – don’t bother using your PS3.

“We hope to resolve this problem within the next 24 hours. In the meantime, if you have a model other than the new slim PS3, we advise that you do not use your PS3 system, as doing so may result in errors in some functionality, such as recording obtained trophies, and not being able to restore certain data” – Sony blog mouthpiece.

Please let tomorrow bring news of this being irreparable and requiring a $1bn global recall scheme to be put into place.

It’s only 2.45pm but today’s already turning out to be one of the best days in history. Even if we lose a limb this afternoon and get food poisoning from the hospital dinner and some idiot trainee doctor accidentally sews on a food mixer instead of the severed arm, it’ll still be an average day, overall, thanks to all of this and this:

Imagine the panic. Imagine the internal meetings. Imagine the group email exchanges. It’s almost enough to warrant cracking out the blank ‘Hitler video’ template (oh).

Happy Doomsday, everyone.

There’s some amazing PS3 news being reported out there today, with numerous owners of the older, fatter model of Sony’s malformed shit-biscuit tin reporting the error message 8001050F – which means SYSTEM SELF-DESTRUCT.

The error message also seems to mean “don’t connect to PlayStation Network and corrupt all Trophy data”, rendering the PS3 useless (more useless) both online AND offline. It is as if the LORD ALMIGHTY has waved a finger and eradicated all disease from the face of the planet.

It would appear all older 60GB fat PS3s are exploding and corrupting data when games are booting up on a network-connected system, basically. Enjoy the ultimate tech-support nightmare unfold live, by reading Sony’s PS blog and its PlayStation Twitter page. It’s OK, you don’t have to sign up to just read it.

LINKS OF MERRIMENT FOR THE PUBLIC RECORD:

– Eurogamer
– MCV
– Gizmodo
– Kotaku
– Spong
– Cnet
– NeoGAF
– EU PlayStation Forum
– Joystiq

PlayStation controller used to detonate bomb, via some pretend American “news” station. The PlayStation controller features at around the 1.47 mark if you’re still pretending you have something better to do and want to skip to the money-shot.

“YET MORE proof of the ENEMY and its treacherous links with INSURGENT MILITIA. I can’t think of a funny comment so you might have to yourselves on this occasion, that is if you even decide to go with this. If it isn’t of sufficient quality I can provide high resolution images of Natasha Bedingfield to soothe all complaints” – Ian-Ian.