Sorry it’s taken us so long to do another one of these but we’ve been holding out for Google to invent something that can make you draw well.

We are still waiting. Image created in Photoshop 7, Adobe Illustrator 6.2 LE, Macromedia Dreamweaver, DrawMax UltraHand 9, Freehand Handstyle Web Edition and Bic Biro 1957 Classic.

Hooray! Kagero is back! No, we’d never heard of it either until this one, (apparently) the third in series of Dungeon Keeper style trap-setting simulators. Don’t run away, though! Look, this one’s about lovely girls in fetish gear!

There’s some bollocks here about a lone princess defending her castle against invaders, but put simply this is a game for everyone (us) who used to build fantastically complex Bond-style deathtraps for their Legomen (often involving gunpowder, corrosive chemicals and being frozen in a block of ice) that would have made a child psychologist steady themself on the furniture.

Now they have grown up and sit at their desks, daydreaming about how many pieces could be cut off the last one to reject them before they went crazy or blacked out from pain or fear. Thank the Lord that Tecmo is there for them (us.)

The latest Kagero gimmick is gigantic setpiece traps called Dark Illusions. These include a web of giant meathooks which hurl the intruder into the air causing him to be struck by lightning, and the much-touted “Twelve Killer” in which the victim is impaled on a giant clock and slowly crushed to death by its rotating hands.

Kagero is the work of Keisuke Kikuchi, a man who probably fits one of the following profiles.

1) Likes looking at pretty people and hurting things
2) Spike obsessed sex case whose games all dwell relentlessly and gleefully on breasts and horrifying murder
3) Genuinely feels this is what women do to you when they catch you

Whichever is correct, we think he’s a strong candidate for UK:R special friend of the week. (He made Fatal Frame.)

Seeing as the official UK chart is full of such RUBBISH, let’s check out the Bittorrent sites and see if “da hardcore gamers” can do any better:

Konami’s PS2 action slasher Oz from the Suikoden team tops the inaugural UKR Bittorrent Download Chart, followed by Tekken 5, Killer 7, Genji and something else we’ve really never heard of.

So no, the download charts are full of obscure Japanese games being downloaded by the sort of people who want to boast about how they spent the weekend (by this they mean 20 minutes until they got bored and confused then stopped) playing something Japanese. Still, glad we never started up that video game import business.

…still, at least things aren’t about to get worse, eh? Eh? Are they? Eh?

Ha ha! Do you see what we did there? We FOOLED you with the MAGIC of Photoshop! It’s all just a big joke. EVERYTHING is going to be okay, and there isn’t really a Mario Dance Dance Revolution game coming out this week at all! Is there? *nudge* Is there? *vicious jab* IS there? *sets down a pile of fireworks and douses it with petrol* IS THERE? *sits on it an lights match*

We’re going to video game heaven! Join us. Come on, it’ll be great. The Metroid bloke’s already up there, and everyone else is in their fifties or older. We can save a seat for them, and then when they die and come to join us they’ll be our special friends forever! And Richard Jacques.

(Note: At time of reading this, Rich may or may not be actually dead depending on whether we get the four thirty connecting train at Chelmsford. Don’t worry about phoning to warn him, he’ll understand that we love him and just want to set him free.)

People exactly like us (only with better graphics cards and art skills) have been modding The Sims 2 to feature weird sex stuff.

This Sims 2 mod is called “Gaping Hole” — it makes your female Sim look like she’s been sliced open. Look at her. You can tell she deserved it too, the whiny-faced bitch!

Here at UKR we do not condone the cutting open of innocent women. Only the guilty ones. The ones guilty of spurning our advances. Or getting in the way of the TV. Or wearing short skirts and therefore asking for it.

THERE ARE RUDER ONES THAN THIS! ONES WITH PENISES!
Very Strange Sims Page One

This is not a joke. We’d really like to do this if it turns out we can legally get away with it (probably not) and enough people get involved (certainly not).

Let’s face it. We all know what you’re “surfing” the Friends Reunited archives for. Let’s cut out the bullshit.

Hatred Reignited will accept stories in the following categories.

UNREQUITED LOVE: Did you fall in love with a staggeringly beautiful creature in school? Despite the fact that you would have treated them like like an elven prince/ess and slept outside their window, cutting your inner thighs and writing poems just to get a glimpse of their face, did they blow you off for a some neanderthal chav who could play football? Did their choice in partners land them in Pentonville for stabbing the wife beating drunkard they ended up married to five hundred and eighty nine times? Tell the rest of the school about it.

CUNTS: Remember that little shit who stole your gameboy and the teachers wouldn’t do anything about it because they said it was his word against yours? Did his unchecked kleptomania terminate in a stay at her majesty’s pleasure for petty theft wherein he was bumburgled to within an inch of his life until he got the aids? Gloat about it online.

TEACHERS: What about the slimy, abusive shitface who joined the teaching profession because he couldn’t control anything else in his life? The one who used to alternately scream and gloat at the class that none of them would even amount to as much as he had? Did he fuck a student and have his marriage ruined, his career shredded had his house burned down by Rebekkah Wade’s bob-a-mobs? If Hatred Reignited gets off the ground, you will be able to show up on his doorstep TOMORROW.

TALES OF PERSONAL VINDICATION: Perhaps you were in school with the one kid in every year who managed to do fantastically well with the girls, and took every oppurtunity to rub your face in the notion that you would die alone at a computer at age 29 when your national health glasses accidentally stabbed into your eyeball. Perhaps he knocked up and had to marry a screeching chav with buck teeth and one eye on either side of her head, while you took a qualificationless job teaching bored Japanese housewives and now have to figure out how to spend your piles of cash with only one hand due to the fact that you’re using the other to beat off the top-end scrunt with a shitty stick. OUT THEM NOW.

Furthermore, we promise that if this gets underway then we will search the public name change registers day and night in order to bring you glossy prints THE SECOND anyone you ever knew gets involved in the porn industry. For premium members we will actually photoshop the porn ourselves given recent photos from three different angles (mobile phone cameras accepted). Don’t worry that it’s not real – it will be by the time their former classmates see it.

Oh look. We made a pretend screenshot of NiGHTS for PlayStation3 or Xbox 360 or PSP. Either way, it didn’t turn out as funny as we imagined it:

Sorry about this. If we were better at using Photoshop it might have been funnier. Those white circles are ecstacy drugs, but you can hardly tell. It all went wrong. We spent at least an hour cutting out that picture of NiGHTS, too. And the TXT MSG bit is just that same joke we’ve already done before, what? About seven times now? We’d give this update 4/10, and that’s us being generous to ourselves because we made it. If someone else had made this, well, we’d be using the f-word and possibly even getting out the Big C. It’s been a disappointing few weeks for everyone.

THE STORY: After years in disguise creating brilliant subversive comedy, Chris finds that a world who was barely consciously aware of him in the first place has completely forgotten him. He thus enters a fantasy world where he is still hailed as a dark and surreal genius which makes him unable to perform even the most basic domestic chores – WITH CRAZY RESULTS!

Note: Once every episode, Charlie Brooker shows up and delivers his hilarious catchphrase.

THIS WEEK’S EPISODE: Aaa, Mmn’ Foo Voof Can I Have A Packet Of Asprin Please

CHEMIST: Can I help you, sir?
CHRIS: Have you got any Cuprisod?
CHEMIST: Sorry?
CHRIS: Cuprisod or Vagiblast. The wife’s got a bad dose of the exploding twats.
CHEMIST: Oh god, not you again.
CHRIS: What about a four and a half inch bumcrank?

(In the backgroud Stephen Fry approches the shop, looks in through the window, thinks better of it and walks on.)

CHRIS: Bumcranks and Vagiblast. Please help me.
CHEMIST: Sir, please go away or I’m going to have to call the police again.
CHARLIE: (Popping up suddently behind the counter with the camera zooming in on him) CUNT!

It’s OK, we didn’t get bombed. We did walk around and take some photos though, and now that 12 hours have passed feel it’s OK to get the nation laughing again via another joke/babe hybrid piece.

Below you see a screenshot of our last, best hope for saving the world in action. Thus far we have trained it to do the following things:

1) If Nicebloke detects a large number of male pronouns in a sentence it will recognise a moan, and randomly generate sympathy.

2) If Nicebloke recognises a phrase commonly associated with leaving, it will make a play for attention.

3) Any request for confirmation of something will prompt the response “OF COURSE NOT.”

4) If Nicebloke is unable to recognise the syntax of a sentence, it will employ a diversionary tactic.

We haven’t taught it to punctuate properly yet, so all the stock phrases are in captials. Bear with us though,we’ll soon have it unleashed on Yahoo! Bridge.