Recently, concern has been expressed at the idea of a female writer being allowed to contribute to UK: Resistance. Many dyed in the wool (oh God, please let it be only dye) fans feel that the site’s traditional misogynistic edge would be compromised by such a move. Rest assured, however, that it merely strengthens our position. Not only do women actually like making fun of women even more than men do, but we do so with a genuine hatred unalloyed by a sense of “Ooh, look at us! Aren’t we postmodern and daring!” We are also unfettered by the nagging doubt at the back of the mind that maybe the bird at the end of our devastating satirical cattleprod might be reading our site, and that we might meet her one day at an industry function, and that would be our chances blown.

For example, we can do things like this.

Visit www.kasumin.net now (we swear there’s a letter G missing from the end of that title) and receive four broken links! …and that’s actually it. A lonely beacon in the eternal onyx night of the internet, bearing nothing more than witness to the urges of one lonely girl who doesn’t even have tits as big as ours to show the world that she doesn’t have the foresite to put her makeup on BEFORE a liberal dose of Dutch courage.

Where are they now that their websites are frozen in time, these trailblazers of low self esteem? These burglar’s dogs who have cracked the DaVinci code and realised that dressing up as video game fantasy figures transforms them into the belle of the ball in less time than it takes to say “What in the name of Jay Maynard’s TRON costume is THAT?”

Maybe crying.

Maybe wanking.

We just don’t know.

This advert makes being a “games tester” sound really cool…

…but the reality of being a games tester is this:

The games testers sit in a Portakabin several hundred yards away from the main office.

The Portakabin is naturally quite cramped.

It will smell quite bad.

You will be playing games that crash every five minutes and then take five minutes to load again.

You will play each level several thousand times.

You’ll be playing a level that isn’t even finished yet, so any bugs you report will change into new ones when the next build arrives, heightening the sense of futility you will be feeling.

You don’t get invited to the launch parties.

You’ll be lucky to even get a boxed copy of the game.

The lovely PR ladies (myth #1) won’t ever have sex with you (myth #2).

This is probably for EA, so you’ll be doing FIFA Street 2 :(

totaljobs.com – Play games all day long!! – South East

Are you one step away from slashing your wrists with a cheese grater? Worry no more, because UKRISPS is here.

UKRISPS isn’t just an ISP. It’s the most sophisticated web filter and suicide prevention package on the planet, for just 5% more than you pay for your existing service. With the magic of the UKRISPS filters, we can prevent you from EVER AGAIN having to see:

– Ringtone advertisements
– Winky smilies
– Harry Knowles
– The word “OWNED” spelled with a P
– Placeholder index pages
– Photoshop jokes
– Anything at all to do with Colin Mochrie

…and that’s just the start! UKRISPS Will also totally restrict your access to any webcomic apart from Penny Arcade, User Friendly, Sluggy Freelance and PvP. (Sluggy access limited to thirty seven months before it went shit. You know, the eighteenth or nineteenth time that Oasis died.) The illusion doesn’t stop there, though; subscribe to UKRISPS Gold and receive repeats of past websites! Visit Seanbaby.com and pretend that it’s still acceptable to enthuse about things that you like! Imagine that classicgaming.com is still updated! Behave as if you were still in a magical wonderland of re-mapping your lost childhood or misspent adulthood! ADDED BONUS FOR JUNE: FREE access to over 10,000 emulator roms makes you able to pretend that Tim Eckel never existed!

Each new user will not only receive their own 50k of webhosting and simulated dialup access speed (so that when you’ve downloaded something you feel happy with it no matter HOW shit it is), but also a free email account which will automatically generate emails from people who haven’t betrayed you yet and whom you think you like!

So join us at UK: Resistance Internet Service Provider Services. When you’ve had enough of being ready to rock… it’s time to live under one.

UKRISPS. Welcome to 1998.

We’ve stolen this off the Gaming-Age forum, but it’s OK because we’re highlighting how something else was stolen from somewhere else so it’s actually ironic copying and not worth emailing us about.

Anyway, here’s pop slag Christina Aguilera — who we’re not obsessed about any more — pictured in 1999, wearing an outfit that was obviously copied by the shameless, idea-stealing developers of 2001’s Silent Hill 2:

Zombie clearly modelled on pikey scab Justin Timerlake.

Anyone who works for a company that’s so desperate to make money it has to sign a licensing deal with the Crazy Frog.

Like, for example, “the German software publisher dtp” which “has acquired the rights to the Crazy Frog from the licensing agency Wallaroo” which means that “the product will be released during the upcoming Christmas season and supported by various merchandising and PR activities.”

“Hi Steve, it’s Jack. Jamster says ‘Yes’ to the deal, but says we all have to suck its malformed penis first. I said that would be OK.”

London, June 13

Joytech, the UK’s leading peripherals manufacturer, is proud to announce the launch of the XBOX FIRE EXTINGUISHER (TM), a must for any safety-conscious video gamer.

“Don’t run the risk of your Xbox catching on fire and leaving you out in the street in only some old pants while all your memories burn thanks to your Xbox, get the Joytech XBOX FIRE EXTINGUISHER (TM) for when the inevitable happens” no one from Joytech ever said because this is obviously just a rubbish joke.

XBOX FIRE EXTINGUISHER (TM) FEATURES:

Range of fun and funky clip-on nozzles.

Foam spray for safe electrical fire dampening.

50 litre capacity.

Vibrating handle puts you at the heart of the fire like no other extinguisher.

Don’t get killed by a burning Xbox. Joytech.

Including “PS3lover.com” on Buy It Now for 2500 dollars. This just underlines (a) how rubbish we are at making money out of the internet, and (b) how many stupid people there are in general.

*CHECKS ON NETNAMES TO SEE IF PS3SUCKSASS.COM IS AVAILABLE*

eBay – PS3 domain, Other Hardware Services, Computers Networking items at low prices

…so says this FANTASTIC VISION OF A POSSIBLE FUTURE found on Gamepal, a site that lets you “rent” characters to experience life as a superior character in most major MMORPGs.

The most unrealistic representation of PC gamers EVER.

GamePal – Internet Gaming Services

Submitted by a reader who’s well into the hacking scene.

THE SLIDE CARD TECHNIQUE
Insert slide card into one of the small holes on top of PSP, take novelty Christmas flashing key ring, press button to initiate excruciatingly poor rendition of Jingle Bells, hold against IR Sensor for 3.6785 seconds EXACTLY, eject game. Put game back in again. Eject game. Put game back in again. Move the slide card about a bit. Wonder why nothing’s happening. Play special HAXXORED .mp3 for a bit, but it doesn’t do much. Sigh, give up, turn PSP off. Turn it back on. It doesn’t work. Panic, run about the room turning the PSP on and off wailing ‘OH SHIT I’VE JUST SPENT £250 IMPORTING SOMETHING AND I’VE ALREADY BLEEDING BROKEN BECAUSE I WANTED TO PLAY SONIC 2 ON THE BUS, SHIT SHIT SHIT’. Swap memory card over to the other one you were press ganged into buying in Dixons by Dave, who INSISTED this would work. PSP turns on normally, let out massive sigh of relief. Cautiously start the Mega Drive emulator. It’s working! It’s loading! Crow with joy! Choose Sonic The Hedgehog 2.bin, tears welling up in your eyes as the hallowed name flashes across the screen, SEEEEEEEEEEGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. But wait. It’s not flashing. It’s crawling. Realize it’s half FUCKING speed and games ten years ago were RUBBISH anyway. Fling PSP into a corner in a tantrum and cry.

We are yet to confirm this works.

As the idiotic speculation/fabrication/LIES about Nintendo’s Revolution controller reach new depths of utter stupidity and headline-grabbing desperation, a keen-eyed reader spotted what COULD be the Nintendo Revolution Controller at a top secret test location in Bournemouth:

The joke’s actually on THE ENTIRE INTERNET, because we don’t give a cripple’s toss about Nintendo any more!