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BREAKING NEWS: KAZ HIRAI DEAD

Word reaches us that the Sony chief Kaz Hirai has committed harikiri after learning that the PS3 was outsold by the Xbox 360 in japan last week. The Gaijin console sold 28,116 compared to the derisory 10,705 of the PS3 heaping SHAME and HUMILIATION on the beleagured Hirai San, who is believed to have carried out the “Happy Despatch” shortly after learning the news.
Either that or he couldn’t take another 90 minute cutscene in MGS4.

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Kaz Hirai – Yesterday (probably)

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ALAN DOREE RELAUNCHING KIKIZO.COM

Congratulations, Alan! We are looking forward to seeing what the latest evolution of Kikizo looks like.

Alan Doree, Kikizo founder

Alan Doree. It is OK if we call you Alan, Alan? Thanks, Alan.

ALAN

The zooming-in visual joke. Never funny when we try it.

Comments (4)

GLADIATORS AND ANDY CRANE REVIEWING VIRTUA COP AND SEGA RALLY

The winter of 1995. Such great Saturn games, such promise. Surely PlayStation wouldn’t stand a chance against SEGA’s amazing three-way attack?! Who could resist Virtua Cop, SEGA Rally and Virtua Fighter 2? It’s like the Mega Drive all over again!

That’s how we should all remember it. Let’s also remember those games coming out in time for Saturn’s launch, or at least in time for Christmas. Here’s a woman with big arms playing Virtua Cop.

“It is a video of Andy Crane and some Gladiators playing and reviewing Saturn games on a cack show from back in the day. But for me that is like porn. Hope you get it this time, Cheers!” – Father K.

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THE 'SONIC Z' BATTERY

Yes, we really do care about the whole battery thing. The cool, smooth sides. The design – so compact a space, yet so much to say. The poorly-translated text on import models. The chemicals. The danger! The art of draining them thoroughly.

We lie often, but not about battery love.

The Sonic Z

“I don’t know if you really care about the whole battery thing any more, but on the off-chance you do; I found this in a laser pointer that was given to me as a ‘gift’ for fixing someone’s computer. The photo shows the 0% free from Mercury, ‘Sonic Z’ battery.”

The Sonic Z in clickable format

“I have attached a scaled down version of the photo for use on the internet and also a larger file for printing should you wish to do so – Michael.”

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DEATH TANK PARTY. OUR PLACE. BRING A CONTROLLER.

We have to pull a Kotaku on this one – Death Tank is coming to Xbox Live. It is the most classic and most lost of all the lost classics. The Holy Grail has been wanked into by more people than have seen or played Death Tank.

To access sequel Death Tank Zwei you had to own two Lobotomy Software-developed Saturn games, which would read each others save positions and unlock the game. Which was hidden on the Duke Nukem 3D disc. Or something along those lines. It was 11 years ago now and is quite hazy.

Death Tank Zwei - COMING BACK

As one of what can only be several hundred people in the world to have played the ultra-lost lost classic created by mid-90s genius developer Lobotomy, we can indeed confirm Death Tank as one of history’s greats. It rocked, that much we do remember.

Also vaguely remember being shit at it

Multiplayer perfection. If you’re not old enough to remember it, consider yourself lucky you get to experience it for the first time. Playing Death Tank for the first time is as thrilling as watching Total Recall or The Terminator for the first time, you lucky youths.

WHERE DID WE STEAL THIS NEWS AND THOSE PICTURES FROM?

  • News stolen from here.
  • Pictures stolen from here.
  • Comments (17)

    WE DID NOT ATTEND "SUMMER OF SONIC"

    Sorry about that. Sorry to the organisers who sent us emails about Summer of Sonic that we didn’t bother replying to. Sorry to Richard Jacques, who didn’t get to spend an afternoon on edge, wondering if we were there with a marker pen, waiting for the right moment to get him to sign parts of our bodies. Or a gun.

    And sorry most of all to you, dear readers, as you now have to suffer the humiliation of letting Adam ‘What does Kikizo mean?’ Doree tell you all about something to do with SEGA, like he’s the king of SEGA.

    Adam Doree's magical summer's day

    “Since Gary could not make it to the Summer of Sonic fan event in Covent Garden today, I fulfilled my duty as staunch UKR supporter and strolled down to the Dragon Hall venue they’d hired for the day.”

    Adam Doree's magical summer's day

    “I turned up very late, since I was in bed most of the day, and as a result I missed performances by Richard Jacques and TJ Lewis (Sonic R vocals girl) which was a shame as I’d been looking forward to that.”

    Adam Doree's magical summer's day

    “However, organiser Svend Joscelyne of Sonic Stadium told me there’ll be videos of everything available shortly. They had other guest appearances too, like a dude who draws all the artwork in the comics.”

    Adam Doree's magical summer's day

    “The event was impressively well organised and there was a huge turnout of die-hard Sonic fans. Some fans came from as far as USA and Australia. They were all well into it, but some were uber-fans, like a girl named Tru, 24, who dressed very convincingly as Dr Robotnik, and others who were brought to tears by the emotion of it all. I heard one Sonic admirer say, ‘best time of my life’. Serious stuff here guys.”

    Adam Doree's magical summer's day

    “The event was supported by some sort of community manager from Sega Europe and there were shitloads of prizes and stuff plus some nice artwork for upcoming Sonic games around the place.”

    Adam Doree's magical summer's day

    “As someone who still likes Sega, it was nice for me to see how people do still love Sonic in a big way. I mean, I could tell you most things about Sonic, but these guys are on a different level of fandom.”

    Adam Doree's magical summer's day

    “Regarding my photos, you will have to forgive the poor quality. Having lost my superior 4-year-old Sony DSC P100 recently, I’ve literally just got this slim DSC 70 which looks the absolute business, but takes awful, camera phone-quality photos. This is the first time I used it ‘in the field’ so it has taught me I need another camera sharpish before Leipzig comes up” – Adam Doree.

    Adam Doree's magical summer's day

    Thanks, Adam. Your report was 10000 times more enthusiastic that we would’ve managed. We probably would’ve equated it to a disco at a special school, for example.

    Adam Doree's magical summer's day

    Shame to miss this, though. That’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

    Comments (5)

    TOMB RAIDER MODEL'S "CROTCH SHOT" SHAME

    Less than 24 hours into the job and we see our first PR disaster. She was clearly lured into it by a photographer innocently suggesting a few “action shots.” Poor thing. So much to learn about our world.

    Alison Carroll nearly-porn Alison Carroll nearly-porn Alison Carroll nearly-porn

    We believe the kids would say something along the lines of “WTF?

    CHEST MOLE! CHEST MOLE! ABORT!

    As promised, here are some hi-res versions so you can analyse her skin texture. This shot has a pleasingly amateur feel.

    How Not To Apply Photoshop Effects

    You can make out where the tendons join the bone.

    Diving into a sea of internet harassment

    Hopefully this will conclude our coverage, as we’re already bored of looking at her piggy face.

    Comments (16)

    "MEET THE SEXY NEW LARA CROFT"

    Finally. The in-house casting sessions at Eidos have finished, the sofa has been wiped down, and here she is. Alison Carroll – the new woman that’s going to be whored to oblivion in the name of this year’s Tomb Raider game.

    Alison Carroll, imminent husk

    Initial impressions: A meaty Posh Spice. Adequate. That lens flare effect is totally uncalled for. We are yet to be supplied with hi-res versions for skin texture analysis.

    Only a 7/10 on the McAndrew Scale

    More information, including the tantalising and Nuts/Zoo reader-pleasing news that she’s “single and having fun” here.

    The hunted becomes the even more hunted

    Hit up Facebook, MySpace, Bebo and all the rest. Incriminating photos of her early years MUST be found.

    Comments (9)

    ELSEWHERE ON "THE NETWORK" #00034

    Another seven days, another what seems like 700,000 updates about borderline mediocre video games and gadgets we’re about as likely to buy as impress Gemma Atkinson with out witty small talk. INCLUDING:

  • This thing about an UNSPEAKABLY HORRID Star Wars-themed wedding. We pretended it looked cool at the time, because you can’t go slagging off people’s wedding photos so close to the big day.
  • This thing about putting Vista on a PS3 as something meaningful to do with both bloated pieces of shit.
  • This thing about another rubbish game we now find ourselves in the unfortunate position of having to pretend to like for at least the next 18 months.
  • This thing about IKEA launching a phone service. Its online helper isn’t very good at cybersex.
  • This thing about offensive Sony Ericsson product placement.
  • This thing about pork scratchings promotional photography, because you can’t not use pictures like this when they come along:
  • They're all nicknamed Mr Porky

    Not bad, considering the novelty wore off back in January. 6/10.

    Comments (1)

    DUE TO PUBLIC DEMAND: THAT PHOTO OF GEMMA ATKINSON DOING SOME ACTING FOR RED ALERT 3

    OK, OK, you can stop emailing about it. Here it is. Here she is. Here THEY are. A full 36-hours too late, but here all the same. It’s Gemma Atkinson doing a bit of acting for Red Alert 3. They dressed her up for it. That top will have been custom made to contain all of her.

    Gemma, doing serious

    She’s doing some ACTING. She’s doing serious. The sort of look she imagines a high-ranking female military official would have on her face, were she just about to order a full nuclear strike on an enemy populace.

    Cleavage non-alert

    Terrible photography. Once again, we are forced to raid the UKR personal Gemma Archive, and are happy to provide a vastly superior Gemma photo for your pleasure.

    Gemma Atkinson desktops, for Google

    They provided a couple of desktop images.

    Gemma Atkinson desktops, for Google

    They are better, but still not what we’d ideally like.

    WHAT WE WOULD IDEALLY LIKE:

  • Lube
  • Three cocks
  • Tears
  • Comments (14)