Imagine spending the most boring week of the year without the internet and only a PS3 for entertainment. That sort of deprivation is illegal in most developed countries.

This featured in UK knob-twiddling music technology mag Future Music. Hopefully, us charitably linking to their web site here will stop them getting arsey and demanding we take this all down.

FROM THIS MAN: “I went round his house and he’s a very nice man. His dining room is full of games and consoles and a big telly. We chatted for ages about games and I ended up writing his life story in the feature – which I found very interesting even if none of our readers do. Wanted to take him to the pub but my photographer was looking bored after the third hour of me saying ‘and then what game did you do?!?!???’.”

“His studio is in his attic. I left my notebook behind in my excitement and had to go back 15 minutes later – looking like a complete fool. Daniel.”

There is a line in here where Richard says “the technology that Sony are developing is amazing.” Richard Jacques has just been moved, mentally, to a slightly lower pedestal.

Our Richard Jacques feature is still being worked on. It is an unauthorised piece, and currently stands at approximately 53,000 words and 182 photographs. And 62 hand-drawn illustrations. And a separate book of short stories and fan fiction. And some poems. And his initials carved into our leg with a key.

This week’s output gets a workmanlike 5/10. Next week’s keyword to look out for is ‘erogenous’.

FROM HENRY: “There’s a shop in Bristol called Mr Tomato. It reminded me of the Tomato Shop in Shenmue, only without the fantastic music and prize draw whenever you buy anything. I wish my life was more interesting than this. I took photos on two separate occasions. Cheers – Henry.”

Sadly we have no photos of the interior. Here’s what it looked like in Shenmue.

TOMORROW: Someone’s local SPAR that is relevant to UKR because they used to sell the Sonic comic.

This isn’t just a bit like Nintendogs. It actually is Nintendogs. We can only hope all involved in the creation of this product walk with their heads bowed and tears welling up inside BECAUSE OF WHAT THEY HAVE DONE.

We did some research for once! It’s a Japanese game called Hana Deka Club, which licenses the work of Japanese photographer Yoneo Morita and has applied it to a Nintendogs clone. This doesn’t make its existence any less reprehensible.

What next? A SNES version of Sonic? SEGA Rally for the PlaySta… :(

They’re suspiciously well padded ‘downstairs’ – which suggests taped-up male genitalia could be lurking beneath those nappy-like pants. We are seeking clarification from Capcom over the issue at this very moment, before any ‘christening’ of the photo takes place.

C. Have no plans.

F. It’s a right pile of fu

A few helping words of advice for Sony, learned from our 26 years of operating on the lower rungs of the video game industry ladder.

A secondhand PSP, half an hour of paying attention to hacking guides, and a broadband connection – instant free games for ever.

Please do not hesitate to get back in touch should further advice be required.

It probably adds lots of new things to the memory game genre. 8/10.

But when Ubisoft does it, it is WRONG.

And when Majesco does it, it is also WRONG.

Especially when there’s more than one.

And when Agetec does it, it is also WRONG.

And when Natsume does it, it is also WRONG.

And when 505 Games does it, it is also WRONG.

Especially when there’s more than one.

Especially when there’s more than two.

Especially when there’s more than three.

This week’s updates were slightly better than last week’s batch, but still not enough to break through the psychological 6/10 barrier.