A crack undercover reporter braved being labelled a nonce by taking photos inside an arcade for us! This is probably the first time anyone has seen photos from inside the Brighton Sega Park, and judging by how deserted it looks, only about the 100th time anyone’s ever been inside it at all.

Our reporter wrote some captions, and we wrote some others. See if you can guess who did what in today’s interactive writing-style-recognition quiz! (CLUE: rape/paedo/murder/dying alone references = probably ours).

SEGA PARK BRIGHTON, IN PHOTOS:

Tekken 5’s shit! Look at how blurry it looks! Ha ha! Stupid Namco/Sony!

THOUGHT PROCESS OF PHOTOGRAPHER: “UKR likes OutRun2, so I’ll take a photo of OutRun2. They’ll like that and then probably won’t call me a twat.”

Well-worth spending your dole money on. Support third-world slave labour, organised crime and impress your homeless life partner.

Mega Boxe appears to be some spinning/gambling cat-scan hybrid. It will no doubt give you some kind of incurable cancer.

A giant claw, always potential for misuse and so many opportunities in Brighton. Animals in captivity – never pleasant.

Apparently Brighton is full of hippies, students, and ex-students who can’t be bothered to leave. Hence we didn’t go there ourselves, and the only way we would go would be to contaminate the water supply with something bought on the former-Soviet Union blackmarket.

Can’t really tell what this is meant to show and if we’re supposed to be impressed by it or not. It’s hard being funny about other people’s holiday snaps.

It’s the weirdest and therefore best thing we’ve ever been sent! It’s Cream, The Rabbit, getting hit by a car. We’re assured that a second part is coming involving Cream’s corpse, Cheese, and some weird sex involving props.

Cinema verite-style Cream car crash porn [1.0MB ‘WMV’]

Sega Amusements Europe has employed a pretty girl! And it’s so happy about this it sent out a press release and photo – for which they made her wear hot pants.

When we expand UKR and get an office we’ll DEFINITELY only employ hot women and make them wear hot pants, like it’s still the 1960s when you were allowed to do stuff like that and they had no choice but to let you pinch their bottoms else you could sack them.

It’s political correctness gone right.

SEGA’S ACTUAL PRESS RELEASE ABOUT EMPLOYING A WOMAN:

Show Me Your Ball Skills!
Sega Amusements Europe’s expanding promotions team has landed a beauty with a potential Miss U.K. now on the team! Ruby Jones who is assisting the company promoting WCCF is a Brighton finalist in the contest.

Sega’s promo team now covers the UK, Spain and Germany with around 30 members to hand, emphasising the dedication and importance the company gives to supporting its products in the market place.

Since the appointment of Mark Beauchamp as Promotions Executive in February, Sega has built up the team to support WCCF from point of installation training staff through to running tournaments and doing tutorial sessions for players.

Mark commented “Naturally her talents are drawing the crowds and helping WCCF players enjoy the game! Her football knowledge is superb, and whilst many players just need an intro into the game, others like the detail that she can give about the games finer intricacies”.

The company confirms that WCCF is going from strength to strength with installations occurring weekly across Europe still and a growing fan base using the official forum at www.segawccf.com and the unofficial one www.wccf-forum.co.uk

Now that it’s warm out, you might want to buy one. Even pale geeks need to stop wearing grey fleeces in the summertime. If you’re thinking of risking getting your arms out and letting people see the shape of your body, go here and buy one.

We’ve made them 15 quid including postage which is a bit cheaper than they were, as we’re bored of them now, need the cupboard space for putting women in, and want to get rid of them so we can make some new ones people like more or at least hate less.

This is the best one, really. It’s best because it’s in a normal colour (blue). It’s apparently a good conversation starter at parties and barbecues, and one man even said some girls started talking to him about it which lead to him losing his virginity.

This one is second best, out of two. So it’s sort of the worst. We have no idea why we made it on ‘teal’ or aquamarine. It must’ve looked better in the printers. Next time we’ll just do one in black for all the fat/shy people.

THINGS WE LEARNED DURING THE WHOLE T-SHIRT MAKING AND SELLING PROCESS:

Nobody likes teal/aquamarine

Launch jumpers in January, not t-shirts

Make them black for all the fat/shy people

You can’t carry 200 home on your own

We have three female readers we didn’t know about!

People are scared about wearing gang-referencing t-shirts in South London, East London, West London and North London, plus the rest of the United Kingdom, Europe, America and Australasia.

BUY THE LAST FEW REMAINING MOST OF THEM HERE:
www.rivalcrews.com

Black Eyed Peas – “Pump It”

:(

It’s a small tent. In Germany. Full of Xbox 360s playing FIFA World Cup. And it’s dark out. And the only two women in attendance have gone outside to talk to more interesting people on their mobile phones, which is what strangely happens when we’re near women too.

We just wanted to share this photograph. There is no funny caption. There could NEVER be a funny caption about this, not even if the writers of Planes, Trains and Automobiles and Larry David got together and worked on it for a whole month.

Hugging a man in a Portugal strip, while wearing a Portugal scarf. Disgusting. Xbox 360 is now dead in England.

If you need to ask why, don’t and just go away.

We’ve had an amazing idea! We’re starting our own girl gaming group that won’t be shit like all the other girl gaming groups!
We’ve even drawn a logo:

Rules of Entry
To enter candidates must:
* E-mail a filled in version of the following form to us
* Provide at least one pic, preferably with gash out

We’ll do the rest.

The key facts of the matter are this: It don’t matter if PSP is black or white. It’s still shit and hasn’t got any games.

The other key fact is this: Might (left) and would. 7.5/10

Ever ever and also by miles. It’s a PRETEND INTERVIEW with Sonic The Hedgehog. This featured in The Sun, which is a bit like a newspaper for people who aren’t really that good at reading. Hey SEGA. You know that thing where random people on the internet just love you for no reason? THIS IS DESTROYING IT!

As a punishment for doing this, tomorrow we’re going to pick a Nintendo game at random and write something about how awesome it is. Every time SEGA does something rubbish from now on, we’ll do this. Until it learns.

A POINT ABOUT SONIC’S AGE
Sonic can’t be 15. His first game came out 15 years ago. So if he was 15, he would’ve been zero in 1991. This piece is LITTERED with inaccuracies.