Today we’re issuing an open challenge to all the really important people in the Industry that we know read UK:R. We’re asking for a game to be made to our specifications. We were originally going to specify a monstrously violent real life simulation with incredibly detailed damage models in which you got to repeatedly punch gaming journalists in the face. We’re not fussy though. We’d probably settle for something to do with puzzle and music that had Maria Sharapova on the cover.

In any case, we will pay EIGHT POUNDS TWENTY FOUR to the charity of Richard Jacques’ choice should anyone have the integrity and the courage to take us at our word. Bear in mind that it’ll actually be a bit less when it arrives though, because the bank have been charging us 50p per cheque since we went overdrawn to buy Sonic Adventure 2.

At this EXACT moment! See the fear in her eyes!

This is what (we imagine) prostitutes look like when you’re making them say they love you and you’re special and worthwhile. The words are coming out of the mouth, but the dead eyes tell a different story.

We’re not suggesting Emily B is a prostitute, BTW! But if she was, we’d happily pay 200 pounds for an hour of “full girlfriend experience”. More new Emily on Sky channel 166 photos here.

Not having to deal with MSN Messenger users who change their handle every six hours to some new string of gibberish that sounds like a witty turn of phrase from an early They Might Be Giants or Mogwai album. This is what happens when we try to talk to people NOT EVEN IN REAL LIFE:

PROPER BO: Heya, mate!
US: Who are you?
PROPER BO: It’s me, Rob!
US: I thought you were Dancing Gay Hitler.
PROPER BO: No, that was last week. I changed my name from Kiss A Llama On The Llama because I was sick of being called Kill Bill Gates vol.2, remember?

Let’s get back to having one name per account. It’s already at the point where you need an e-newsletter to keep track of just five people. Soon we’ll be too frightened to ask people even the most basic social questions like “ASL” in case they turn out to be our mum.

Even though it LOOKS LIKE the sort of rubbish joke we’d make in Photoshop, in five minutes, it’s not — this is a REAL GAME for the Game Boy Advance for people to buy.

Although we have to respect a game that lets you “collect” girls and only requires one button press to “hook up” with them. Maybe if you hold down both triggers you can punch them in the face for not cooking the right dinner!

And failed. On a whim we thought it’d be fun to spend 160 quid on buying one to take the piss out of (review) as an update, because it’s BOUND to be rubbish isn’t it? Look at it:

We would then sell it on Ebay hopefully for nearly what we paid for it afterwards. It would be hilarious! But this is what happens when you try to ‘checkout’ your purchase:

Nice that Commodore is staying true to its roots by crashing all the time. Although to be fair, this is probably the first time anyone’s ever tried to buy one so they weren’t to know.

See if they’ve fixed it yet here.

They were “outside Hamleys toy store on Friday, no idea why” according to reader Tom, who spotted two of our top five all-time celebrity icons together in the street.

Tom must have a pretty shit-hot mobile phone too, seeing as he sent us this image at a resolution of 1152×854 and it’s very clear. If you click on the photo it will magically go to that size, thanks to our advanced web coding skills:

Judging by the photographic evidence, our AMAZING JOURNALISTIC SKILLS tell us this was probably a SEGA game launch, probably for Sonic Gems which has just come out over here, because Sonic’s there. We don’t know why a Monkey Ball character is there. And Judging by that shit fleece Rolf’s wearing (WE HATE FLEECES), it looks like he’s “off duty” and was caught up in the SEGA event unexpectedly. Also, Sonic does not appear to be injured, so they’re not filming for Rolf’s Animal hospital.

Only we can’t be impartial because it’s got Kieron Gillen’s SMUG FUCKING IRONIC FUCKING NEW JOURNALISM FACE all over it, even on the COVER, so all we can type when thinking about it is “FUCK SHIT FUCK SHIT SHIT FUCKING BALLS”.

Therefore we have to give X360 0/10, even though it looks quite OK and would under normal circumstances get a seven or an eight.

So few dogs turned up to the UK launch of Nintendo DS game Nintendogs that Nintendo had to hire FAKE DOGS to make it look like more dogs turned up than were actually there.

One of these dogs is not a real dog, and is a pathetic PR plant designed by Nintendo to make it look like DS Nintendogs is more popular with dogs than it really is.

It’s pretty obvious which dog we’re talking about. He knows we’re onto him.

BUSTED! How on EARTH does Nintendo think we’re going to fall for this?! That’s OBVIOUSLY not a real dog! It’s not even a very realistic costume, and real dogs NEVER give the thumbs-up signal. This is a disgraceful attempt at tricking the children. Nintendo ought to be ashamed.

Several attendees also indulged in blatant ‘Nintendogging‘ — the act of publicly exchanging Nintendogs data with strangers.

The woman who’s most famous for wanking off a pig on television was curiously chosen to promote Nintendo’s new animal handling sim Nintendogs. She may have wanked some of the dogs off, but it wasn’t captured by the official event photographer.

AND MYLEENE KLASS WAS THERE!
Myleene was our favourite pop idol before Cheryl Tweedy held her goalposts open a bit wider. Myleene was in Hear’Say, a kind of fatter, less gay version of Steps. This is a really cool photo of her as she’s lost weight since then, yet her chest has stayed the same size! This photo is so lovely we’ve made it so you can click on it and see the big version — it takes a lot of effort to do that, so make sure you do.

AND JEREMY EDWARDS WAS THERE!
He’s just some boring bloke off the telly who shagged Rachel Stevens for a bit.

AND THERE WERE MORE LOVELY DOGS!
There’s nothing funnier than a close-up of a dog’s lovely happy face! Dogs must all be on drugs! They must put drugs in dog food to keep them happy and stop them biting people. We’re going to tell people that’s a fact and start a new internet conspiracy theory for stupid people to believe.

PS:
This is Rebecca Loos wanking off a pig on television, just in case you foreign people didn’t believe this sort of thing actually happens on British TV:

Nintendogs is out tomorrow!