This week is dedicated to the things that are left to do only when you get SO bored that you look at them and say to yourself “Well… it’s either this or fuck the dog.”

DAY 1 – MS PAINT YOUR OWN VIRTUA TENNIS PORN

Look, you can see her pubes and everything. And there she is giving Warwick Davies a hand job (or Verne Troyer, whichever one’s shilling Gizmondo this week).

Thanks to all the UKR FORUM CUNTS for making this week’s Comedy Wankcry happen! If you want to join up and contribute to our weekly features, fill out the online form and send us ten quid via paypal. Forum Cunt status gives you search features, removes your popup ads and confers access to one of the strongest moderated forums on the internet. Plus our servers aren’t full of plankton and dead coloured people.

All very exciting, even though Sega’s new Lindbergh arcade machine sounds like something you could pick up from PC World for 399 quid.

A new machine thing from Sega! Imagine how easy it’s going to be to emulate these games in a few years time, seeing as they’re already running on a P4 PC! This is absolutely nothing like the spec of Xbox 360, so it isn’t based on Xbox 360 like lots of people guessed just because HotD4 comes in widescreen. Oops.

House of the Dead 4. We’d still prefer a new Virtua Cop, but let’s not start being all negative about it already before it’s even out.

Obviously Virtua Tennis 3 has been in development for several years, since back when Henman used to be good. Having Tim Henman still in the game is like having Geoff Hurst in FIFA still. No, wait, it’s like FIFA having Paul Ince or Peter Shilton in it, or someone else half-decent who never actually won anything important.

New Afterburner. We can take or leave this. 3D flying games have been the same since whenever it was Sega invented them, so, you know, shinier planes. Wow.

Psy Phi, some sort of game from Yu Suzuki. We don’t know what type at all, and all Babelfish can come up with is “In addition, the operation impression of utilizing the function only of touch panel until now proposes the place tile which is not e.g., it puts out special attack by the fact that the figure is drawn on the picture and divides” and “Lindbergh’s function was pulled out, description of the shooting which is beautiful expression and force like the fireworks which glitter to the night sky became possible” — which would appear to hint that it uses a touch-screen.

As long as Sarah Bryant still has those only five moves we know, we’ll be happy!

We’re now going to start calling Dreamcast “Hindenburg” in honour of its fiery death that killed off a great line of awesome machines.

SPOT THE OMISSION?
The only game that’s NOT featured here from Sega’s E3 behind-the-scenes-and-subsequently-leaked-all-over-the-internet showreel is the new Sonic The Hedgehog game. We’re prepared to bet our plush Ulala (mint, with tag) on it being announced for Xbox 360 in around a week at the Tokyo Game Show.

Go Team USA! It’s like their Princess Diana, or another 9/11 only this time about water. We love assisting in relief. If we had our way, we’d spend every day issuing relief to ourselves, and others. And we know what they mean — some days it really is an effort.

“Bungie Studios and the Bungie Store will be donating at least $15 from each shirt sold which will go straight to the Red Cross and directly to the disaster relief. Everything you can do to help will make a difference”

They’ve had the fire disaster, now the water one, which must mean an ice catastrophe is next for poor America.

Fight the Flood T-Shirt – Bungie Store

The puppy one MUST be ironic. It must. It has to be. PLEASE.

NEXT WEEK: *German* ones of PSP which are 10000 times worse!

Don’t moan that we’ve started liking something by Sony. If it’s OK for Sega to start liking Sony’s PSP, it’s OK for you to like it too!

Try it. Maybe start by liking something easy, like a Sony radio or a Sony television — picking the badge off it might help — then move up into games consoles. It won’t mean you love Sega any less, just like when mummy got a new daddy who was really good at DIY. You still loved your old daddy just as much even though he seemed like less of a man and was always crying.

Look, Sega likes PSP so much it’s made Virtua Tennis for it. Playing Virtua Tennis will make you feel safe again! What’s that, mum? Dinner’s ready?! Life is great again and you’re 100 percent in control!

It’s really nice to play Virtua Tennis again. You know people that smoke? You know how if they go for ages without smoking (like 20 minutes, the moaning fucks), then smoke something, they seem to think it feels really great to be smoking again? PLAYING VIRTUA TENNIS AGAIN AFTER FIVE YEARS IS REALLY LIKE THAT FEELING!!!

It’s also like getting back on heroin after months of ropey methadone (sorry, mum, we had to sell your TV and cooker). It feels right and reminds you that you’ve been putting up with pale imitations for the last five years.

This is a photo of our World Tour character. She’s like a podgy Cheryl Tweedy. All we did was change her hair. It’s like Sega KNOWS our type of girls is podgy Cheryl Tweedys. Sega knows us SO WELL :)

We’ve got an idea for some Virtua Tennis fan fiction. It starts as we manage to get a DREAM JOB working for Sega! But things go badly after we’re caught stealing games to sell on eBay and we get demoted and made to work in the ‘motion capture’ room. Everybody hates the motion capture room, because it’s too hot and is really boring work. But then Sega announces Virtua Tennis World Tour 2, and signs Maria Sharapova to be in it! Maria then comes to the office to be… MOTION CAPTURED!

She has to wear a tight, black mo-cap costume, and it’s really, really hot and sweaty in the studio. We end up opening a bottle of wine and one thing leads to another in the heat of the studio, we have sex for a bit in all three sex positions then the story ends with us spunking on Maria’s tits and tummy. Really loads of it, too. If you’d like us to write it up properly, let us know and we will. Everyone who emails in gets to feature in the story as a guest star!

Yeah, yeah, “it’s months since you did the last one” etc. etc. What, do you think we spend ALL day surfing the ‘net looking at pictures of girls!?

…and at time of going to press, Squall is WINNING! Get over to GameFaqs and vote for Knuckles NOW, you lady bastards! The pride of Sega is at stake – Knuckles MUST go on to face Vincent Valentine in the bracket 2 final!

London!

Australia!

New York!

Three cheers for Sega! Now it’s taking up the burden of having to educate our children, via the medium of logic puzzles in its new PSP game Sega Brain Trainer Portable.

It’s sure to rock, probably hard, and we’ll no doubt convince ourselves we like it even though it’s a bit shit, just like we did with all those Dreamcast games.

We haven’t got “anything funny” to say about this. This is one of those updates that’s more like us going “Hey, here’s some interesting news about Sega” than “Here’s a funny joke”. So don’t make yourself look stupid by posting on the internet about this not being funny. It’s not meant to be — like Channel 4 News, or Panorama. Nobody posts on the Channel 4 News site that it isn’t funny.

We’d buy it if there was a section on how to talk to girls about things other than the internet, video games and if they remember Babylon 5.

OTHER POSSIBLE “JOKE” CAPTIONS FOR THE WOMAN PICTURE:

“Just hold this while I get the bucket of spunk”

“Just hold this while I get the transparent plastic toilet seat”

“Just hold this while I find the bit of pipe that goes from his penis to your mouth”

“Just hold this while the bath fills up with piss”

THE OBLIGATORY LINK TO THE OFFICIAL SITE SO YOU CAN COPY THIS FOR YOUR OWN BLOG:
brain.sega.jp

What with the recent announcement of Shenmue 3, we feel it’s time we did an Edge-style retrospective of the development of the video game “Epic,” just to show that such a thing CAN be done in less than twenty five thousand words. It’s easy, all you have to do is remember that video gaming is an area that’s always riding the wave of what you can get away with on the technology and resources available, therefore the milestones are by and large defined by the limitations. Hence:

THE PROBLEM: Shigeru Miyamoto needs a memorable character for his new game. However, he has only sixteen pixels and a handful of colours to work with, no graphic artist on the project and no skill at drawing faces himself.

THE RESULT: He gives the character a big nose and moustache to hide his face and plumber’s dungarees to make the arms visible against the body. Mario and the character-based franchise phenomenon are born.

THE PROBLEM: Hideo Kojima wants to make a Rambo style game, but the MSX-1 can’t keep track of more than two or three bullets without the machine having an eppy.

THE RESULT: He makes a game where the idea is NOT to shoot people. Metal Gear and the cross-genre story-based epic are born.

THE PROBLEM: Will Wright is a sadistic cunt who wants to convince the world that a game where you have to do the washing up for eighteen hours is more fun than one where you shoot zombies in the teeth and kung-fu people’s knees off.

THE RESULT: The Sims.

THE PROBLEM: Yu Suzuki is a sadistic cunt who wants to convince the world that a game where you have to do the washing up for eighteen hours is more fun than one where you shoot zombies in the teeth and kung-fu people’s knees off.

THE RESULT: Shenmue.

Let’s hope that part three adheres to Yu’s world-beating formula of one hour of awkward button mashing interspersed with twenty nine hours of doing the washing up.