At this rate, PS3’s going to struggle to catch up with Gizmondo’s global install base, let alone Xbox 360 and Wii’s.

JAPANESE HARDWARE SALES, WEEK ENDING JUNE 10

DS: 117,228
Wii: 64,529
PSP: 24,711
PS2: 11,097
PS3: 8,776
360: 2,533
GBA: 799
NGC: 167

AMERICAN HARDWARE SALES, MAY 2007

DS: 423,150
Wii: 338,278
PSP: 221,120
PS2: 187,765
360: 154,932
PS3: 81,604
GBA: 80,554
NGC: 10,728

Here are some amazingly hi-res photos of a woman wearing a Ninja Gaiden costume to assist your celebratory wank. We suggest a simultaneous, global climax at 01:30 hours on Sunday, June 17:

*celebratory wank*

Folklore is a new PS3 game. It’s a single-player fantasy game that’s brown, even though PlayStation owners want FIFA and Gran Turismo and WipEout, not brown games about being a sexually ambiguous dwarf embarking upon a voyage of discovery on a farm.

Send this one back to the drawing board, Sony. It’s not really going to help things.

We’ve lowered the JPEG compression to factor three, which makes it look slightly worse than the original file so people finding this from Google Image Search think the game looks really nasty. This is the sort of sub-viral anti-marketing we take great pleasure in.

The people of America have dug up PS3’s rotting corpse, violated it up the bottom, set it on fire, then buried it again. If the price isn’t cut by 200 dollars by September 30th we’lll turn the site into a gay Mario fan fiction resource.

NORTH AMERICAN HARDWARE SALES FOR APRIL 2007:
DS: 471k
Wii: 360k
PS2: 194k
PSP: 183k
360: 174k
GBA: 84k
PS3: 82k

Cold, hard, glorious fact.

We got sent this. Pay attention. It’s a grower and one of those things that’s so ace we can’t stop looking at it:

Tells a story. Has a punchline. Slags off Sony. All boxes ticked.

IN OTHER NEWS…
Cunts Corner has been allowed back on the internet again, and this time it has photographs. If we’re not on there by 3.30pm with some sort of accompanying explicit gay Photoshop illustration involving at least three penises we shall be very disappointed.

You’d better get used to playing games by waving things about, basically, as that’s all there’s going to be in about 18 months time.

NDS: 285,192

WII: 101,320

PSP: 35,172

PS2: 14,815

PS3: 12,974

360: 3,205

And that’s for ‘Golden Week’, which is like a Japanese Christmas and Bank Holiday rolled into one, and a time people tend to buy games consoles for something to do while at home in their tiny little paper houses.

Once everyone’s finished wasting vast piles of money developing their current PS3 projects there’ll be 50 collections of mini games released for Wii every week. If you want a vision of the future, imagine a remote control being waved near a human face… for ever.

We can’t wait to see what Sony’s embarrassing climbdown will be. Emergency 50 percent price cut? Cheaper new PS3 version without Blu-ray drive? Free t-shirts? Something has to be done before September, or it’s exit hardware industry time.

This one’s great. Probably a bit too obscure a reference if you’ve just come here from MySpace, though:

Also, our congratulations go out to the creator for not mentioning the Nuremberg Trials or dead farm animals and therefore producing something we can use without getting letters from solicitors about ceasing and then desisting.

Isn’t that a clever headline? You can use that if you want, for free, to illustrate the “Father of PlayStation retires” story you’re no doubt currently writing for your blog/site/forum/magazine/podcast/videoblog:

And here’s a picture we just made to illustrate the enemy leader’s unconditional surrender:

Sony’s plans for a ten-year reich – obliterated!

This is one someone else just made. Hopefully this won’t turn into some sort of celebratory Photoshop competition. That would be very sad indeed, were it to happen. Especially if this archive of wartime imagery and this archive of Sony executive staff photos were used to portray Sony as broken and defeated Nazis facing certain execution.

HOPEFULLY THIS WON’T TURN INTO SOME SORT OF CELEBRATORY PHOTOSHOP COMPETITION, BUT IN CASE IT DOES, HERE ARE SOME RAW MATERIALS:

A photo of Ken Kutaragi

A photo of Adolf Hilter

A photo of some unsold PS3s

A photo of the French PS3 launch event

Please don’t let this turn into some degrading internet Photoshop competition in which Sony is portrayed in an unfavourable light. It would be deeply unprofessional considering the sadness of this news.

Japanese hardware sales figures for last week. What specialist video game trade refer to as a DOUBLE-WHAMMY – PlayStation3 is dead in Japan as well.

DS: 133k

Wii: 75k

PSP: 24k

PS2: 12k

PS3: 11k

It’s over. And remember how cheap the thing is out there, too, compared to here. Nintendo’s waving at the crowd. Expect Sony’s HR department to start sending out lots more letters very soon.

At least the massive UK sales will make up for it.

American hardware sales figures are in for March, and as the NPD isn’t run by Nazis we’re allowed to say what they are on the internet:

DS: 508k

PS2: 280k

Wii: 259k

X360: 199k

PSP: 180k

GBA: 148k

PS3: 130k

Just the usual CATACLYSMIC SALES DISASTER for PS3 then. Guess those, er, shortages are still hitting sales, what with there only being a spare three million on shelves worldwide.

At least the massive UK sales will make up for it.

The Sonic/PS3 update triggered an impromptu Photoshop competition, as readers clamoured to explain what Sonic was doing consorting with the weak, enemy machine.

Which means five people made some pictures.

And they were quite good. So here they are, in what we’re calling our easiest update of the year so far:

This one could’ve been the winner, had this been an official competition. Sadly, it was not an official competition therefore there is NO BUDGET for prizes.

This one wouldn’t have won anything, as it says “jus” which isn’t a proper word. We’re Nazis about spelling and stuff.

This one would’ve been second or third, and maybe won a prize, had this been an official competition.

This one’s OK. We would’ve uploaded it to make it look like we got lots of entries, even though it’s a bit basic.

This one should’ve definitely been a winner, possibly even THE ULTIMATE winner. It’s very good. Brilliant, in fact. If only this was an official competition with a budget for prizes.