We suggest a simultaneous ejaculation at 3.15pm, which leaves enough time for lunch to settle down so no one feels nauseous after. Everyone in?

JAPANESE HARDWARE SALES, WEEK ENDING OCTOBER 12

DS: 31,914
PSP: 23,901
Wii: 22,877
360: 7,763
PS2: 6,982
PS3: 5,734

ANALYSIS
At this rate, Sony’s only revenue stream from gaming in 2011 will be the several thousand pounds it generates annually through selling replacement PS2 DVD drive lenses. Today’s news agenda set, as always, by NeoGAF.

Cocks out, everyone! PS3’s the anus of another chart. Sony’s ten year plan to become the new AMSTRAD is going swimmingly.

JAPANESE HARDWARE SALES, WEEK ENDING OCTOBER 5

DS: 42,385
PSP: 26,045
Wii: 25,330
PS2: 8,618
360: 8,271
PS3: 7,232

PS3 is getting hammered, into the ground, balls first. As ever, we must state that we do not care who wins. It is all about Sony losing, as justice for all its past LIES and SINS.

This never gets boring. Last week’s Japanese hardware sales chart. PS3 is being outsold by PS2 now. It’s always tragic when a parent outlives a child.

TRY TO MAKE THIS SOUND POSITIVE, FUCKWITS:

DS: 57,847
Wii: 26,314
PSP: 25,671
360: 11,291
PS2: 9,848
PS3: 8,275

Three cheers for the internet and the democratic exchange of factual information it empowers. And NeoGAF, obviously.

Thanks to PS3’s horrific performance it’s now possible to masturbate ourselves to completion over statistical data.

Included in today’s SENSATIONAL Lie Watch:

Jack Tretton says PS3 sales are “100% up” year on year! (even though last year it sold 9.5m PS3s and this year it plans to sell 10m. 10m is not 100% more than 9.5m, you imbecile)

Jack Tretton says Sony will struggle to meet demand for PS3! (great excuse for not selling many of a thing).

Jack Tretton says lots of other things that aren’t particularly true when taken in context of what Sony has said before and figures that are publicly available.

The full lie-laden article with cunty-chops is here. It is being saved for aggressive future use, as is Jack Tretton’s sphincter, when he gets made redundant as Sony’s gaming division closes in 2010.

Back in January of this year, Sony earned “column inches” by boasting that that PlayStation3 had overtaken Xbox 360 in parts of Europe and was selling at “three times” the rate of Microsoft’s console. We have reproduced the quote for you here:

“…the team here expect to overtake the installed base of Xbox 360 across all PAL territories in late summer,” David Reeves, Sony Europe, January 24 2008.

However, retailer GAME has just revealed official UK sales data which shows Sony has sold 1.4 million PS3s in the UK, compared to Microsoft’s 2.3 million Xbox 360s. That is a VERY LARGE GAP and not what even the wildest of statisticians would consider a close battle.

It is certainly not three times as many. It is more like loads less.

Do not trust this man, anyone on his pay roll or people that transcribe his interviews.

DS: 7.1m
Wii: 3.6m
PSP: 2.9m
360: 2.3m
PS3: 1.4m

Forget the “ten year plan” for PS3, here’s Sony’s 30 year plan to burn off any cash its few successes may have earned it, thereby keeping it in the GUTTER where IT BELONGS.

Sent in by James, who is the winner. Well done. We must constantly remind the enemy of all its failings and weaknesses, so it doubts itself and becomes weaker still.

So bad it has to give its next “best game” away for free, as a bribe, to shift some more of those useless Blu-ray machines before the receivers are called in.

So that’s losing money on the hardware AND giving away the only game people might want this Christmas for free? This is Business 3.0!

Here’s a nice photo we found of Howard Stringer putting on a very brave face, while in front of some people who presumably know the truth about how badly it’s all going.

And here’s an example of the sort of shameful and disrespectful Photoshopping we hope not to see. We also hope not to see such bad use of the skew tool.

And here’s a blank. Let’s hope it doesn’t fall into the wrong hands. We’d hate to see a man of Howard’s pedigree humiliated by some pathetic internet jokers.

Q. Why isn’t Sony selling very many PlayStation3s?

A. Because it can’t keep up with consumer demand!

“Consumers are purchasing our PlayStation 3 video games console faster than we can produce them… We currently have a production bottleneck with the Playstation 3” – Sir Howard Stringer, Sony, August 29 2008.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Nice one, Howard. You are a card.

Any game that’s sold more than 20 gets put in a shit-looking box so it can sell another five. This will shave another £50 off that $3.3 billion, returning Sony’s games department to profitability by the year 17998.

“Now, they’ve either forgotten what colour platinum is, or they’ve decided that they’ve tried their hardest to convince people not to buy the console, so now it’s time to convince people not to buy the games as well by making them as fucking hideous as possible. Cheers! Larry.”

Ratchet & Clank? What definition is Sony using for these “platinum” re-releases nowadays? This spent 10 minutes in the chart, thanks to an old woman accidentally buying it for her grandson’s birthday. He only had a PS2 so it was swapped four days later for one of the Need for Speeds.

Global Sony games boss quits, no doubt due to lack of games on disaster machine and the general nonsense he peddled to cover his arse.

Cyanide capsule in his office, or was Goebbels booted out due to PS3’s embarrassing lack of first-party software? Who cares?! The regime is crumbling! Hirai! You’re next!

SCE Worldwide Studios President Phil Harrison Resigns

SCE Group CEO Kazuo Hirai Assumes Responsibilities

Tokyo, February 25, 2008 – Sony Computer Entertainment Inc. (SCEI) today announced that Phil Harrison, President of Sony Computer Entertainment Worldwide Studios (SCE WWS), will resign from Sony Computer Entertainment Group as of February 29, 2008. Kazuo Hirai, President and Group CEO of SCEI, will immediately assume responsibilities as president of SCE WWS, in addition to his current duties.

Prior to the launch of the original PlayStation, Phil Harrison joined Sony Electronics Publishing, Ltd. in 1992, which later evolved into Sony computer Entertainment Europe, and since then, he has made a tremendous contribution to the company playing a strategic role in the launch of four PlayStation platforms, as well as building strong relationships with game developers and publishers throughout the world. Since his appointment to the position of president, SCE WWS, Harrison applied his considerable skill, knowledge and expertise to lead SCE Group’s first party game development as well as aggressively pursuing the development of new online entertainment experiences.

“As one of the founding members of SCE, Phil played a key role in the development and growth of the PlayStation business and our industry,” said Kazuo Hirai. “It is sad to see him departing from SCE, but I wish to express my gratitude for his many invaluable contributions and also wish Phil the very best of luck in his future endeavors.”

“The past 15 years at Sony Computer Entertainment has been the defining journey of my life so far,” said Phil Harrison. “I am grateful to all the PlayStation family for their incredible support, guidance and friendship. It has been a privilege to serve as part of the team and be inspired by them on a daily basis. I am so proud of everything PlayStation has achieved and will continue to support its future in every way I can.”