Here we are! The launch event starts now!

The excitement is amazing, the crowds…

Oh.

There are two people queuing for a PS3. The first one is a woman. All the other people in this picture are journalists and PR people who were probably expecting a better turn out, plus security guards who can’t believe how easy the job is as all they have to do is take the names of a few meek writers who want to take photos for their blogs.

We didn’t bother interviewing her, as she’s obviously (a) a friend of someone at Sony, (b) a friend of someone at Virgin, (c) a COMPLETE FUCKING LUNATIC, or (d) a homeless crack addict glad of a warm place to sleep tonight where she won’t get raped. The rape will instead happen at midnight on Thursday when she hands over her credit card to buy a PS3.

UPDATE: We are reliably informed by a reporter friend that the second guy in the queue is “buying six to sell on Ebay”. Worst. Idea. Ever.

This man’s filming the event!

This is what he’s filming. He’ll have to work one hell of an ‘angle’ to get something decent out of this embarrassing public cluster-fuck.

We would imagine that there will indeed be some PS3s left over to buy this weekend. Bring a van, you can have 50,000 if you want.

According to actual research. Just 12 of the 50 most popular European PS2 games work properly on PS3. 9 have “minor issues” while 13 have “noticeable issues” and 16 “don’t work at all”

TOTALLY BROKEN: Guitar Hero, Guitar Hero II, SSX Tricky, Gran Turismo 4, Metal Gear Solid 2… AND MORE:

HERE ARE THE STATS, COMPILED BY MARK, WHO HAS A LOT OF FREE TIME AT THE MOMENT DUE TO PERSONAL ISSUES:
“I’ve just gone through the top 50 highest-reviewed PS2 games according to Game Rankings (don’t ask me how I got the time, it involves having a breakdown and being a drop-out until I’m sane again) and checked them all against the PS3 backwards compatibility lists for the new European version of the hardware.”

1. Resident Evil 4 – Noticeable Issues
2. Grand Theft Auto III – Works
3. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas – Noticeable Issues
4. Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty – Doesn’t Work
5. Gran Turismo 3: A-Spec – Minor Issues
6. God of War II – Works
7. Grand Theft Auto: Vice City – Works
8. Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3 – Minor Issues
9. Pro Evolution Soccer 2 – Minor Issues
10. God of War – Works
11. Metal Gear Solid 3: Subsistence – Works
12. Burnout 3: Takedown – Minor Issues
13. NCAA Football 2004 – Not released in Europe
14. Okami – Noticeable Issues
15. Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 4 – Noticeable Issues
16. Winning Eleven: Pro Evolution Soccer 2007 – Not released in Europe
17. Final Fantasy XII – Minor Issues
18. Devil May Cry – Works
19. SSX Tricky – Doesn’t Work
20. Guitar Hero II – Doesn’t Work
21. Madden NFL 2002 – Noticeable Issues
22. Guitar Hero – Doesn’t Work
23. SSX 3 – Doesn’t Work
24. SSX – Doesn’t Work
25. Madden NFL 2004 – Doesn’t Work
26. Ratchet & Clank: Up Your Arsenal – Doesn’t Work
27. Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time – Minor Issues
28. Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater – Noticeable Issues
29. Soul Calibur II – Doesn’t Work
30. TimeSplitters 2 – Noticeable Issues
31. Pro Evolution Soccer 5 – Noticeable Issues
32. Shadow of the Colossus – Works
33. Madden NFL 2003 – Noticeable Issues
34. Virtua Fighter 4: Evolution – Minor Issues
35. Final Fantasy X – Noticeable Issues
36. NCAA Football 2003 – Not released in Europe
37. World Soccer Winning Eleven 8 International – Not released in Europe
38. Virtua Fighter 4 – Minor Issues
39. Tony Hawk’s Underground – Minor Issues
40. Pro Evolution Soccer 4 – Noticeable Issues
41. Ratchet & Clank: Going Commando – Doesn’t Work
42. Burnout Revenge – Works
43. Madden NFL 2005 – Noticeable Issues
44. NCAA Football 2002 – Not released in Europe
45. Jak and Daxter: The Precursor Legacy – Doesn’t Work
46. Winning Eleven 6 International – Not released in Europe
47. ICO – Works
48. Madden NFL 2001 – Noticeable Issues
49. Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King – Doesn’t Work
50. NBA Street Vol. 2 – Works
51. Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2004 – Works
52. NCAA Football 2005 – Not Released in Europe
53. Ratchet & Clank – Doesn’t Work
54. Tom Clancy’s Splinter Cell Chaos Theory – Doesn’t Work
55. NBA 2K2 – Doesn’t Work
56. Gran Turismo 4 – Doesn’t Work
57. Tekken 5 – Works

Incredibly, Sony’s OFFICIAL ADVICE includes the following line:

You should skip optional FMV sequences

UKR’S OFFICIAL ADVICE:
You should skip PlayStation3.

HMV and GAME on London’s Oxford Street have both CANCELLED their midnight openings for PS3 launch day. Instead, GAME is offering free bacon sandwiches on the following Friday morning, while HMV has resorted to giving away 150 copies of Virtua Tennis 3.

Funny – usually console launches don’t require blatant bribery to get people to turn up and buy new consoles. Usually, there’s some sort of mad rush and excitement, not miserable staff in polo shirts handing out BACON SANDWICHES to tempt people in so they don’t get sacked.

Or go to Sainsburys, buy some bread and and some bacon and save yourself about 422 quid.

THE FACTS TO BACK THIS UP:

HMV CAN’T BE BOTHERED WITH PS3

GAME CAN’T BE BOTHERED EITHER, BUT IS AT LEAST MAKING UP AN EXCUSE

“The Blockbuster in question is the one on Clifton Road close to Maida Vale tube station” said the vigilant spotter, so if you fancy getting one of the last 218,000 available UK machines hurry down there now!

Note to self: Start up new web site about poorly written shop signs.

And by “only few” they mean “all the ones we stupidly ordered from the wholesaler a couple of months ago when it looked like a money maker rather than a disastrous cash pit”.

In a nutshell – no one wants to launch games alongside PS3 and would rather wait until more than 6,400 people have bought one, so sales figures are only disastrous instead of VERY DISASTROUS:

Ubisoft and Vivendi have clearly realised the financial idiocy of spending loads of money bringing old Xbox 360 games we’ve already bought and played to a console no one’s going to buy.

FROM HERE:
MCV

The undeniable truth of PS3’s failing in the UK has been revealed, thanks to a photograph of an in-store Currys staff bulletin screen.

Currys, the high street chain stupid people use to pay more for electronics than they cost on the internet or anywhere else, has not hit its PS3 pre-order targets. Look – even people on the internet can’t argue with an actual photograph:

Good news about the HDMI cables, though. That’ll really make up the massive financial shortfall Sony’s dead-on-arrival PS3 is inflicting on businesses across the land.

PlayStation3 is dead in America. Actually dead. Already. It’s over. It’s over. This is FACT. Our hands are shaking as we type these amazing, DISASTROUS American PS3 sales figures. It’s over.

US SALES FIGURES FOR FEBRUARY 2007 [source]

DS: 485,000

Wii: 335,000

PS2: 295,000

360: 228,000

PSP: 176,000

GBA!: 136,000

PS3: 127,000

It doesn’t matter what happens in Europe now. The global financial powerhouse has REJECTED PlayStation3 and the tide has already turned. There is no way back, not even a cumbersome 3D avatar system from a 1998 PC game and a game about teddy bears can save PS3 now. IT IS OVER!

Tonight we shall enjoy the wank of the victorious.

This is the most incredible display of PS3 pre-order desperation yet. We can’t stop looking at it. It’s beyond belief. It’s beautiful yet terrifying.

It’s the Horsham branch of GAME attempting MIND CONTROL:

SAYS THE SPOTTER: “It’s official – the PS3 is cheaper than the combined price of two more expensive things. It’s certainly food for thought.”

IF YOU WORK FOR GAME IN HORSHAM:
Please seek some sort of medical or psychiatric care, or at least take a week or two off work to relax and calm down a bit. It’s really not that important.

IN OTHER NEWS: Play has started giving away free games to try and shift its clearly massive “launch allocation”. We can only imagine the amount of horrified realisation that is dawning in retailer boardrooms across the country right now.

Look, we’re not ‘all over’ Xbox 360 or anything, it’s just that Microsoft is doing such a solid, unremarkable job of it all that there’s nothing to hate.

Unless you work for GAME in the pikey shopping hell of the Bluewater Centre, that is, where they’re assuming people ‘know about’ and ‘care about’ HD movie formats:

Well done, idiots. You’ve made the one console people might actually be able to afford and want to buy sound a bit rubbish. So you won’t sell anything at all now. When did shops start being biased about the things they sell?

WHAT WE CAN ALSO INFER FROM THIS SIGN

They still have lots left no one wants

The war’s getting dirty out there

Here’s a photo we just took in Tesco, where the ‘Apple War’ is in full flight. It looks rubbish because our phone camera isn’t very good at perspective.

In an incredible twist, Leeds would appear to have plenty of PlayStation3s left for pre-order. This is certainly bucking the national trend!

ON THE SPOT REPORT: “Hello all, I’ve attached two photos taken in Leeds’ main shopping area. As you can see, GAME are in their last few days of pre-orders for PS3, except that sign has been there for the last few weeks.”

“Virgin on the other hand are emphasising their student discount by any means necessary. I couldn’t get photos of inside, but under every PS3 pre-order poster there are huge signs pointing out the 10% discount for all students. What they should be advertising is that with 10% off a PS3 you can buy yourself a Wii as well.”

F.A.O. STUDENTS:
If you buy a PS3 this means you’re not allowed to whine about loans or attend anti-capitalist rallies with your sack-cloth-wearing, dreadlocked, stinking, gap-year-in-Thailand-going-off-on, quorn-eating friends. You’re also not allowed to spend the next 25 years of your life only talking about your “uni” friends and the things you did in “uni” and how much fun you had in “uni”. That last one’s a general rule even if you don’t buy a PS3.