AMERICAN EBAYERS QUEUE FOR PLAYSTATION3

And the amazing thing is the reporter managed to find one man who was buying it for his kid, and not just to sell on for profit. The great thing about this, of course, is that no one will buy any games and Sony will just lose loads of money on the hardware everyone’s buying to sell on. So carry on, greedy Ebay losers! You’re actually doing us a favour.

We’ll just be staying inside and not wasting our money on an over-priced rubbish thing we don’t need.

Just checking his Ebay listing…

You know they’ve already spent the profit they think they’re going to make by selling the shitbox for twice the price to some loser next week. But what on? Crystal meth?

This fat fuck thinks he’s going to sell his PS3 on Ebay for two grand. Please, America, don’t fall for it. Wait until Sony cuts the price or there’s at least a game for it you really want instead of a deeply boring one you’re pretending to want – i.e. Resistance Fall of Man.

Make sure you watch the video until the end. He clearly doesn’t have a clue about the whole thing.

‘MISS VIDEO GAME’

The organisers sound worthy enough, but you know it’s mainly about getting girls to send in photos. Like these:

Yes, let’s celebrate the diversity of the female gaming community by picking which one is the hottest out of a big online meat catalogue. It’s enough to make you almost pity girl gamers… but not quite. They’re the ones that sent in their photos after all.

PAGE 5, ROW 2, FURTHEST ON THE RIGHT:
Browse the meat catalogue here. Hopefully it’s all one big sting, and as the girls walk through the doors of the venue there’s no floor – just a slippery ramp leading down to a huge mincing machine. We’d certainly buy some girl sausages. Even though some of them look a bit gristly.

A SEGA DOORMAT IN JAPAN

In Osaka, apparently. The writing says that the 23rd of each month is SEGA Day.

But EVERY day is SEGA day?

THE SEGA DOORMAT IN A VARIETY OF RESOLUTIONS:

  • 640×480
  • 800×600
  • 1024×768
  • 1152×864
  • 1280×960
  • 1280×720
  • 1280×768
  • Original – 2592×1944
  • SOMETHING ABOUT ‘VIDEOGAIDEN’ THEN

    We never liked Consolevania. Well, we never watched it, actually, as it was suddenly the new funny thing that everyone liked a few years ago, which meant we had to not like it as that’s just how we are. We can’t go liking and watching a thing that everyone else likes. Also, it didn’t load the first time we tried it.

    Anyway, series two of their TV show Videogaiden is now on TV, or a part of the TV called BBC Scotland at least, and you can also watch it on the internet if you live in the right part of the world.

    So here’s something about it.

    Like we always thought it would be, Videogaiden is two podgy blokes with regional accents being all blokey about games while wearing cheap costumes.

    Their big thing is a ‘Make Shenmue III’ campaign. Lots of people emailed us about this suggesting we join in. Sadly, Shenmue is shit and we hope SEGA never makes another one as it would cost too much money and no one would buy it again, just like last time. Also, if we were to do anything about Shenmue III we would have done it five years ago when it was relevant. Consider this a ‘contribution’ to the debate.

    Anyway, the show’s quite watchable even though it’s ‘A Bit YouTube’ in places. And it’s nice to see men who know the subject doing stuff about the subject, instead of a cheap version of Kate Thornton reading out the back of the box.

    You can see it on TV if you live in Scotland or have the internet. It’s not bad. It might even be funny if you can understand their weird Scottish words and sayings. We didn’t laugh at it, but that might be because we’re bitter about it not being us on the telly being all wacky and wearing wigs. Or maybe it’s supposed to be more about games than funny.

    Whatever. Nothing will replace Dominik Diamond :(

    HOW NINTENDO IS SELLING Wii TO WOMEN (GETTING FIT AND ANIMAL CROSSING)

    This is a promotional (ie, paid for by Nintendo) advertorial (ie, an advert pretending to be part of the magazine) in UK magazine Prima.

    What’s unusual about this is that Prima isn’t a video game magazine, it’s a magazine about clothes and shopping and diets and “Ooh! This one’s got flowers on it!” aimed at bored housewives.

    Wii - For unrealistic families that don't exist

    Nintendo is saying that Wii is family fun that could stop your wayward 14-year-old daughter huffing lighter fluid and wanking off boys in stolen cars. Before you know it your family will be like a family from a TV sitcom instead of like a family from the news, all thanks to the unifying family force of… Nintendo Wii.

    Time indoors = wanking time

    “Time indoors can be quality time too”. It’s nice to see a positive spin applied to the world’s most anti-social hobby.

    She's called Kerisha

    We’ve got another girlfriend off MySpace.

    Wii ANIMAL CROSSING! YES GOD YES!

    AND WHAT IS THIS?! Has Nintendo granted the Wii Animal Crossing world exclusive first-look to UK woman magazine Prima?!

    Wiirobics

    The “health benefits of a little light exercise”? Nintendo is trying to make Wii sound like something that will make fat women thin. This could be a genius move. After all, this is how we became lettuce millionaires in the early 1980s.

    Period Pain Special

    Prima – first for Nintendo Wii exclusives. And also for stuff about PMT and hormone replacement therapy and what trousers to wear to the office party.

    MEGA DRIVE SONIC 2: EARLY PROTOTYPE VERSION FOUND

    And released webwards by world-famous ROM collector. If you’re new to all this, you need an emulator like Gens to make it work, and a PC made since 1998. And preferably a joypad of some sort, as Sonic’s magic is diminished significantly when ‘X’ is down and ‘D’ is right and ‘Space’ is jump.

    Sonic doing a new thing!

    Now you don’t have to pretend to like the Sonic games released since 1995 any more!

    GET IT HERE:
    Hidden Palace – News / Sonic 2 early prototype

    OR HERE:
    The site hosting it appears to have died. Allow us to ‘help out’ by hosting the ROM here.

    THE TRIFORCE HAVE/HAS DONE A BOOK ABOUT GAMES

    And they/it sent us a copy of it, which presumably means we’re allowed to review it and they won’t go mad if we say it’s rubbish.

    Hope we haven't broken Amazon's exclusive

    It’s not rubbish, but also not as good as the book we would’ve written. But no one really wants to publish a million words with no full stops or commas about having anal sex with non-threatening female cartoon characters, so The Triforce would appear to have won this particular battle.

    Bangai-O seemed rubbish for the all-of-five-minutes chance we gave it

    We briefly flicked through it looking for factual inaccuracies to point out, but couldn’t find any because what the hell do we know about The Sims or Jak and Daxter: The Precursor Legacy? This was very disappointing.

    And OutRun2 is mentioned

    It’s got Animal Crossing: Wild World in it, and OutRun, and Lumines, and Tony Hawk 3, so would appear to be on the right track.

    More shame heaped upon Sonic

    WRONG THINGS: Pro Evo 5 is the slowest and worst Pro Evo of them all, Rez is little more than waving your mouse around your PC screen while listening to some music you downloaded but don’t really like, and why isn’t Sonic The Hedgehog in it but Jet Set Radio Future is?

    By gamers, for gamers!!

    “THE GAME IS THE STAR” – this line could only come from people that have sat in numerous development and product marketing meetings.

    Try before you buy!!

    “The most fun you can legally have with your clothes on” is a line we would imagine was inserted by the publisher without the authors’ knowledge or consent, seeing as it really belongs in a 1985 Zzap! magazine review of Paradroid. They’ll probably say it’s meant to be ironic. Taking your clothes off also doesn’t mean more fun – it means being cold and feeling disgusted with yourself.

    Still

    Still, it’s nice to have, especially for free, and a rare thing we got sent that won’t immediately get listed on the mortgage payment war chest fund (eBay). Thanks. We hope we have stimulated debate and enthusiasm for the project.

    AN INTERVIEW WITH ONE OF THE TRIFORCE
    We sent questions via email to all three of the Triforce. David’s answers were abrupt and abusive, Simon’s cleverly highlighted the flaws in the email interview process, and Ste didn’t bother but said he would if we wanted. We said not to bother.

    SO HERE’S SIMON’S INTERVIEW:

    WHY ISN’T SEGA RALLY IN IT?
    Because it’s not as good as Sonic The Hedgehog

    WHY ISN’T SONIC THE HEDGEHOG IN IT?
    Because it’s not as good as Daytona USA

    WHY ISN’T DAYTONA USA IN IT?
    Because it’s not as good as Streets Of Rage 2

    WHY ISN’T STREETS OF RAGE 2 IN IT?
    Because it’s not as good as Nights

    WHY ISN’T NiGHTS IN IT?
    Because it’s not as good as Phantasy Star Online

    WHY ISN’T PHANTASY STAR ONLINE IN IT?
    Because it’s not as good as Shenmue

    WHY ISN’T SHENMUE IN IT?
    Because it’s not as good as a Virtua Fighter of any kind

    WHY ISN’T A VIRTUA FIGHTER OF ANY KIND IN IT?
    Because it’s not as good as Pong

    PLAYSTATION3 MAKES GREAT GAMES RUBBISH

    This is how you can play Virtua Tennis 3 on PS3. Dennis Norden would encourage you to file this under ‘Totally Needless Innovations That Actually Make Good Things Worse’:

    PS3 ruins Virtua Tennis

    So now, instead of pressing a button to make the thing you want to happen happen immediately, you wave the controller to maybe make the thing you want to happen happen, or to perhaps make something else happen that you didn’t want to happen at all. Thanks for ruining all our games with your stupid new idea for women and the elderly that everyone’s copying, Nintendo!

    It's all Nintendo's fault

    Game-breaking nonsense. As long as there’s an option to ‘MAKE IT BE LIKE DREAMCAST’ it’ll probably be OK.

    A MAN’S ESSAY ABOUT RACISM IN SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG

    We got sent this. It’s by ‘Peter Wilson’. Obviously it’s too many words to bother to read and see if it’s any good or makes sense not, but we’d be mad not to upload an essay called ‘Racism and Shadow The Hedgehog’. So here it is, as we’re definitely not mad.

    Racism and Shadow the Hedgehog
    By Peter Wilson

    Shadow the Hedgehog is an action computer game for the Sony PlayStation 2, Microsoft Xbox and Nintendo Gamecube. Despite its apparent targeting at a younger audience, the game undeniably touches on issues of race, often in an unfair way. Shadow is a black character, as are the main villains of the game. While Shadow is essentially the ‘hero’ of the game, it is not straightforward. Players are given a choice as to whether to be good or evil.

    Unlike his counterpart ‘Sonic’, Shadow, the main character of the game, is not an archetypal hero. He is portrayed as an ‘edgier’ character, having suffered amnesia and therefore having difficulties with his own sense of self. Most importantly of all, whereas Sonic is blue, Shadow’s fur is that of a distinct black. Whereas Sonic would appear on the covers of his games with a big grin on his face, Shadow appears on the cover art with a definite sneer, most notably holding what appears to be a large gun. In the game itself, when Shadow first acquires his firearm, Sonic utters,
    “I wouldn’t be caught dead with one of those.”

    Why is this? Because Sonic is not black? Sonic Team, the creator of the game, are definitely making a point here. Firstly, Sonic is implying that it is not in his character to use guns, does this mean it is in a black persons nature to use guns? In all the many, many Sonic games, Sonic has never once used a gun, but in giving the first black character in the Sonic universe their own spin-off game, they immediately pick up a gun and don’t even question the morality of its usage.

    Secondly, unlike a normal Sonic game, the player of ‘Shadow’ is given the choice as to whether or not to play through the game as ‘good’ or ‘evil’. Why is this? Never once while playing as Sonic have we had the chance to be evil. However, once we switch to Shadow, his black counterpart, many of the games’ objectives are in fact, to do evil deeds. Is it a mere coincidence that the ‘black guy’ has the ability to become evil, while the ‘white guy’ (or in this case blue) does not?

    The bad guys are rather unsubtly named ‘The Black Aliens’. Within the story they have come down to Earth and are causing havoc on the world they’re invading. If this is not a swipe at immigration laws then I don’t know what is. At once the soldiers of Earth (all of them are white) go to war with these black aliens. If a player decides to side with these soldiers these ‘black aliens’ can be killed. However, to side with the aliens, you are not able to kill the soldiers, merely knock them to the ground; either that or simply destroy lifeless robots. The evidence is clear here, you are allowed to kill ‘the blacks’, but you aren’t allowed to kill ‘the whites’. Is the life of a white man really that much more significant than the life of a black man? Were the actions of the ‘Black Aliens’ to be performed by human they would ultimately considered as ‘terrorist’, therefore by this rationale every terrorist must be black.

    While all the characters in the Sonic the Hedgehog universe have their own distinct personalities (Sonic being the ‘cool’ one, Knuckles being the ‘brash’ one, etc), Shadow on the other hand does not. He is confused and alone; he is essentially a black man in a white man’s world. When the ‘Black Aliens’ come to his Earth, he naturally fears them.

    “Get out of my sight, disgusting black creatures,” is just one of the many racist remarks he himself utters, despite the fact that he is black himself. Only when the story progresses and Shadow realises that he may be of the same origin as the black aliens, does he call their wickedness into question. Is this a knock by Sega at the ‘average’ black man not staying true to his roots in today’s white oriented culture? It seems likely.

    At one point in the game you are forced to decide between siding with the ‘Black Aliens’ or the evil ‘Dr. Robotnik’. For those not familiar with the Sonic the Hedgehog universe, Dr. Robotnik is essentially a fascist dictator with aspirations of world domination. Now, while the black aliens are doing ‘evil’ deeds, Dr. Robotnik has also performed, and continues to perform deeds just as evil. Let us imagine, for argument’s sake, that the Black Aliens and Dr. Robotnik are as ‘evil’ as each other; why so then, is Dr. Robotnik’s cause portrayed as the ‘hero’ option while the side of the ‘Black Aliens’ portrayed as the ‘evil’ option? Is it because Dr. Robotnik is white?

    Shadow the Hedgehog? Ban this racist filth.

    Thanks Peter. We particularly like your use of ‘inverted commas’. We forgot to ask if you are black or not, although ‘Peter Wilson’ doesn’t sound like a black name so you’re probably not. No doubt this will stimulate some heated debate in the Comments field!

    TO LOOK THIS BUFF TAKES AGES

    Richard Jacques went ‘totally custom’ with his t-shirt for his performance at the weekend’s Game City event. He’s also not the most natural in front of a camera.

    ...ages of sitting down

    More photos from Game City.