This fake Nintendo Wii advert *is* sort of funny. A bit. For something made by other people. That’s the most complimentary we’re going to get.

“This used to be where it said SEGA PARK in big blue letters. Now it says… well, this. And there’s a big silver AMUSEMENTS sign above the door, just in case people are too thick to work out what a Leisure Exchange is. On the plus side though, the Quasar’s quite good – nice and big, with loads of good places to hide”

“Sonic’s still in the windows despite the place no longer being a proper Sega Park, probably because they’re waiting for some chavs to smash them with a brick so they can claim for new Sonic-free glass on the insurance”

“The view from the front door. This place used to be CRAMMED with machines – really interesting ones. Now, there’s a huge gap in the middle (like, HUGE) and all the machines have been pushed against the walls. There’s a sole pool table at the back, which the chavs use mostly for sitting on”

“The newest machine the place has, besides Virtua Striker 4 and House Of The Dead 4 (both of which we’re surprised even appeared in this tired old place) is this WCCF card game. No one ever plays it. But then, there’s never anyone in here. To be fair though, having this and OutRun 2 SP is vaguely impressive… it’s just a shame all the other machines have been lost in the process”

“These people are playing Virtua Tennis 2. There are two VT2 machines in the arcade, but one’s got a shit screen that’s all purple and warped. It used to have several sit-down beat-’em-up cabinets (Tekken 4, SVC Chaos, Soul Calibur II) but they’re all gone now. In their place is a Sonic Blast Man punching machine. Bleugh”

For every candle-lit Richard Jacques performance of a SEGA classic, there are ten thousand opposing copies of 50 Cent Bulletproof on PSP. It’s how nature keeps things in balance. And there’s still no sign of that US Gold Pet Shop Boys game rumoured in 1986 :(

Sorry.

OK. Just the one. In this between-award segment, a girl sets out to prove that games aren’t just for geeks. She does this by going to a room that’s full of geeks and talking to lots of geeks, before the INEVITABLE interview with a girl gaming clan.

This one sums up the nightmare perfectly. The developer’s an amazing geek (no disrespect, so are we and our ‘target demographic’), the hostess hasn’t got a clue and the award presenter admits to not playing games at all. That’s why next year there probably won’t be a video game BAFTAs. Or if there is, it’ll happen in a small room and there won’t be any cameras and the trophies will be made out of LEGO.

In this one, the stupid woman says she’s only in it for the money and admits to knowing nothing about games. Poor little Rob from Nintendo does a good job of smiling and pretending it’s all going OK though! Well done Rob. Can we have a Wii? We’re going to say Animal Crossing Wild World is the best game of 2006 in a couple of months, so we deserve it.

Then, as you’d expect from an organisation that’s just ‘discovered’ games 25 years too late and think they’re new and exciting, they go through the whole “games as art” bullshit we got bored of at about the same time we got bored of mum giving us cheese on toast for lunch every day.

We can’t take any more. It’s all up on UK Nova as a Bittorrent to download, but is about as ‘worth it’ as PlayStation3 and ten copies of Lair.

This is of a Sonic The Hedgehog napkin.

And just in case the first photo wasn’t good enough, the sender sent in an additional second photo. Because the one thing we all really need is a spare photo of some Sonic The Hedgehog napkins.

This is a fake Sonic badge someone found at a craft fair. SEGA’s lawyers need to crack down on this shit, to stop churches funding their roof repairs via illegally produced merchandise.

Someone’s business card. She is called Annie Sega! If you married her, your name would be… oh no, that’s not how it works.

What the sender described as “Sonic boots” but it frankly could be anything.

Sonic endorsing fireworks.

A Sonic car.

Really rubbish SEGA graffiti. “My friend and I saw this on our way home from school the other day. He took the picture on his telephone. I thought it might be evidence of some guerrilla advertising from SEGA! Notice the lack of crotch on sonic and the penis to his right”.

This is a scan of newspaper comic ‘Striker’ that someone’s been sitting on for “four or five” years. It shows a SEGA Saturn advert in the paper the girls are holding. It’s amazing what people see and keep.

And this is an Indesit washing machine manual that features a logo that looks a bit like the Dreamcast swirl. That’s all for today.

Is it the spires? The car? The blue sky?

No, it’s not this bit.

It’s not this bit.

Nor is it this bit.

Or this.

It’s THIS bit! They sort of copied Sonic and blacked him up a bit to make him their tyre-repairing mascot. How well did you do?