Which, reading between the lines, means “We’d like to get some photos of pretty girls in the office. We will then invite the prettiest ones to our parties and try to have sex with them after giving them lots of vodka.”

It’s built for HEAVY DUTY play, this is clearly important because it’s written in UPPER CASE LETTERS. Even in the 1960s SEGA knew how to market their hardware. Notice the pseudo-Nazi type on the SEGA logo. World War you say? 25 years ago? Japanese war crimes? What fanciful madness is this?

Nice, but we’d rather use a woman’s stomach. It’s free, apart from a bit of guilt but that goes away after the first few times.

This is also what the inside of a Sega Saturn looks like.

And here it is, looking in better condition than our poor Saturn, which has remained in confinement since the unfortunate Fighting Vipers incident in November 1996. That and the whole PlayStation bribing everyone in the world thing.

It’s got NiGHTS in it!

It’s got CReAM in it!

It’s got ULaLA in it! Apparently because the game was developed by the part of Sonic Team that used to be United Game Artists (the Space Channel 5 heroes) before they were merged into Sonic Team’s division.

It’s the Sega A-Team! We’d have sex with all three of them and their monkey. Screenshots tomorrow*.

You cannot get better than this. How we’d like to travel back to the early 1990s, when enthusiasm was respected and encouraged rather than frowned upon.

The game uses the OutRun2 SP rules, which means (a) slipstreaming and (b) gentler impacts with the walls when you crash.

For world-renowned expert players like us, the less damaging collisions make the game loads easier, but, remember, the world is full of complete fucking morons who can’t play games. For them, this means they’ll be able to complete Coast 2 Coast.

This is a true story: Last time we were in an arcade, we watched three separate people play the OR2 arcade machine one after the other. None of them knew about doing the powersliding stuff. They all just bounced around the barriers on every hard corner. It was INFURIATING and made us SICK TO THE CORE! Sadly, those are the kind of people who buy games these days. So gentler, kinder Coast 2 Coast will suit their spazzy skills.

The slipstreaming is a brilliant new feature. The cars always felt like they were going at top speed – now, if you’re driving one of the new tuned, faster Ferraris AND slipstreaming it’s faster still. You may feel the car pulling away from you, like when you’re driving a real car too fast down a hill and not paying attention and start to panic. Coast 2 Coast is faster. And therefore better.

AN ACTUAL CRITICISM! But frankly, it’s all too easy. Even the Professional level of Flag Man missions can be A-ranked on your first attempt. At least, they can if you’re good at OutRun.

Please play us on Xbox Live. Everyone else on our Friends list is playing Elder fucking Scrolls :(

Why would you want to spend five hours looking through sepia menu screens about armour when you could be doing this? We’ll never understand.

Here’s another annoying thing that’s only annoying to us, but still. Everyone’s giving this good reviews – which is great! But is also means they’re being MASSIVE HYPOCRITES after slagging off OR2 on Xbox when it came out in 2004. Yeah, so there are new tracks and cars in Coast 2 Coast – but it’s still the same game. It plays the same, you do the same stuff in the same way while it all looks the same. You can’t say it’s shit, then suddenly decide you like it 18 months later. Unless you’re publicly admitting to “not getting” it first time round, of course, and are now making amends.

Look at that! Bloody beautiful! We’re crashing on purpose so you get a better view and can see the sparks. Seriously. So yes, Coast 2 Coast has all the OutRun2 tracks in it as well, only they’re ever-so-slightly better because that bit of slowdown you got in Tulip Garden has been eliminated.

Then you’ve got 15 new tracks, from OutRun2SP. They’re great. Like this one.

And this one.

And this one

Here’s our personal OR2 Coast 2 Coast journey. The first version we played was the PSP one. We thought it was amazing, and still do, although perhaps we were getting a bit carried away from not playing OutRun for a year and being excited about seeing it again. Then we played the PS2 one a few weeks later, which was even more impressive, naturally, and from memory looked identical to the Xbox one.

Then we played the Xbox one. It’s better, thanks to analogue triggers and the better analogue sticks, but even so, the PS2 one is pretty much identical looks wise.

The PS2 one also lets you select component output, if you’ve got your PS2 hooked up to a prog scan monitor or TV.

We haven’t seen it on PC, but might as well give it 9/10 to complete our giving-OutRun2-9/10 sequence.

ADDITIONAL NOTE: Today is also European Animal Crossing Wild World Day. Which makes today the best ever day (apart from maybe Sonic 2’s Day) for games coming out in the UK. We’ll be playing that tonight as well, probably at the same time. We love games again! It’s like we’ve come out of retirement for one final year of hardcore gaming.

We haven’t done anything about Animal Crossing’s amazing and life-changing awesomeness because it’s impossible to talk about it without sounding pretentious by saying things like “life sim”. We wrote a review of it to go up here, but it sounded like Kieron fucking Gillen so we chucked it. Anyway, Animal Crossing’s amazing and features life-changing awesomeness, so if you’ve just bought it today you can get all the UKR players’ friend codes here.

That’s about it then. Happy OutRun2006 and Animal Crossing Day. We’ll probably be sitting on our own in a lobby of the Xbox version for a few hours tonight, waiting for someone to race with and inevitably beat. Please join us for an inevitable beating. Email if you want our Gamertag. Not putting it here due to safety issues.

It was more fun when Sega was in charge of everything and didn’t care about making money :(

It’s “Gamerweb 2.0” a name which suggests there was an earlier and even worse version of this rubbish.

YOU… COULD… N’T… MAKE IT… UP.

A sock reviews Crash Bandicoot 3 and gives it 90 percent. When we’re massive television stars (this is inevitable) we’ll be stealing all these great ideas!

We do enough “listening to idiots” on the bus and in the office, we don’t need it all over the internet as well.

It’s done quite well. Sorry, “she”. She’s done quite well. Must remember to stop calling women “it”.

This all we have for today. Tomorrow’s headline is “ANOTHER BUNCH OF FUCKING MORONS HAVE PUT A GAMES TV SHOW ON THE INTERNET” but we might remove the word “fucking” to appear slightly less confrontational.

As we all thought this was indeed a MASSIVE LIE about PlayStation3’s powers, as the below ACTUAL GAME IMAGE captured at the recent Game Developers Conference proves.

Just a slight difference then. Ha, and we believe, HA. How stupid does Sony think we are? Click on it to make it bigger and witness the full horror of PS3. Dear Jesus, please let PlayStation3 be the biggest financial disaster in the history of home technology. Thanks.