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EA announcing NBA games doesn’t count.

Where Do Babies Come From is out in about a quarter of an hour, so now seems as good a time as any to justify why we’re going to buy it if we haven’t spent the money on Chateaux d’Spar ’05.

Project Rub was a difficult one for us. On the one hand it was about impressing a woman by drawing giant Sonics and Sega logos on the side of a building. On the other hand it was a wacky Japanese dating-based minigame collection, so in other words it was like Sakura Wars but without any gameplay, carnage or airbrushed nudity.

Just when you thought things were hopeless, though, the game redeemed itself with a scene called “Seeker.” To precis, having saved the girl from scorpions, kidnappings and sharks she then drops all her shit in the sand. You have to find the exact items she dropped in TEN SECONDS FLAT or she gets angry, blames you and dumps you. We don’t know WHAT happened last time Yuji Naka went dating, but he could clearly teach us a thing or two about bitterness.

“I want my nail varnish. No, MY EXACT NAIL VARNISH. Does that even LOOK like my nail varnish? Don’t think I don’t know that you planned this whole thing. You’re STILL trying to get back at me for taping over the Ashes, aren’t you? Mum was right about you, you bloody mummy’s boy.”

We can’t wait to see how the new Rub game can top this. Our money is on a subgame set in a hot room where you use the stylus to open or close the window, and she tuts if you open it and tuts if you don’t open it.

So there’s us saying “YOUR MAGAZINE IS SHIT” to that new Xbox 360 Magazine in front of everyone like we’re hard Latino gang-bangers off our heads on ketamine, only for them to “retaliate” by putting us *IN* issue 2 and saying we’re, like, great or something, specifically because we said they’re shit.

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO DO TO START A WAR THESE DAYS?

RESPECT BONUS +100!

We like them now. And we’ll happily take them up on their offer of freelance work should our good job on a good magazine ever come to an end and we need something to fall back and quite a way down on.

PS:
You should get a web site, then we can do this every day instead of once every four-to-six weeks.

It’s just no fun when the Japanese stop even trying to pretend any more. Here’s Londonian Gothics: Maze Lolitas, in which the player moves a little girl through dungeons looking for kinky dresses and accessories in which to dress her up. She’s fifteen too, so we can’t even do the “…Your Honour!” gag.

POLL: HOW SHOULD UK:R CELEBRATE THE RELEASE OF MAZE LOLITAS FOR DS?

1) Send Rebekah Wade a copy
2) Send Rebekah Wade a copy
3) Send Rebekah Wade two copies

WipEout was sort of all right for a bit.

EyeToy was fun cos it also worked as a PC webcam.

The ‘Bits Babe’ is BACK ON TV! That is, assuming Sky Channel 166 counts as being on TV. It’s at least a step up from selling DVDs of yourself naked on the internet, anyway.

Greetings once again Bouff fans!

At long last we can confirm that Emily is now defintely back on the telly and can currently be seen regularly presenting a quiz programme on Sky Channel 166! We’re currently putting together a small gallery of images but in the meantime here’s one to whet your appetite!

Emily has recently been away touring Thailand which is why there hasn’t been much news from Bouff.tv recently. But she’s back now and is back on the box which is great news for all you lucky SKY viewers outTHERE!!

http://www.bouff.tv/newsletter.php

“A week after everyone else I’ve made a hilarious revolution joke” says reader Tom Gaulton. “It’s got sound and everything” he adds, which is quite impressive to us.

Download here [177k]. It’s quite poor, but we haven’t got anything better for today. Or tomorrow. Or [insert day].

Kuja turns into Sephiroth at the end, so we were right and you can all start apologising now for saying we buggered it up. Money would be preferable, but if any of you weigh less than 83 kilos then it would be nice if you could pretend to be our friend at “Industry” events in case the Fragdolls are there and we need to make them jealous.

Advent Children is now available for import on DVD and UMD assuming you have the cash, equipment and inclination. Seems an awful lot of bother just to see buggers jump, though.

Here comes a joke! The joke is we upload a screenshot of a crap PSP game, suggesting it “downgrades” PSP by simply being rubbish. As in, it “downgrades” the perceived value of the console, rather than the operating system.

It’s a topical joke that wouldn’t be out of place on a video game-themed edition of Have I Got News For You? presented, perhaps, by Dominik Diamond and airing exclusively on Bravo very very late at night. We’d be one of those guests you’d think would be funny, but then sits there and never says anything and only features in cut-away shots smiling and nodding when Paul Merton says something good (that we thought of as well and were just about to say, hence the nodding).

We chose Space Invaders “Evolution” to illustrate downgrading a PSP. It is the kind of game you get for free when buying a bargain bundle from Toys R Us or Woolworths, is out in November and has, amazingly, been made into 3D now that technology has progressed enough to properly realise the Space Invaders dream.

…with Nintendogs puppies! This is why people say having a dog is a great way to pull girls — even a bus-faced, rabbit-toothed old Japanese man looks cute when he’s holding a puppy:

It’s OK, he’s been neutered (this happens to all Japanese men by law when they hit 40).

It’s OK, he won’t bite (but he may try to put Mario in you).

CAN WE HAVE ONE. MUM? PLEASE? PLEASE? OH GO ON. PLEASE. WE WON’T LOCK IT IN THE FREEZER LIKE THE LAST ONE.

WE WANT THIS DOG. THIS ACTUAL DOG. NOT ONE LIKE IT, THIS ACTUAL DOG.